Dear Mr. President-Elect,

Dear President-Elect Obama,

CONGRATULATIONS! I am proud and honored to call you my next Commander-In-Chief, and I will be honest and forthright in my service under your command.

I have spoken (written) about you on this site before. I have hailed you as a leader and I have criticized you as indecisive. I have pointed out your ability to inspire, and I have called you to task for inaction. Now, less than a day after your historic victory, I'd like to take a few minutes to tell you what's on my mind, and perhaps make a couple of small suggestions. I will try not to take up too much of your time, as I suspect you may be slightly busy for the next four to eight years!

Oddly enough, it's those four to eight years that I'd like to talk about...

Sir, I don't need to tell you that we're in a bit of a pickle right now. You face an economic crisis of proportions that have not been hinted at since before your birth. You are tapped to lead a nation that is suffering a loss of prestige on the international stage and a loss of self-confidence at home. You are the (proud?) inheritor of two wars that will be presented to you in "As Is" condition and no Lemon Law protection! In short, you have already done something amazing and almost miraculous just by getting elected, but that was the easy part! Now is where things get a bit rough! Fortunately, I'm here to help! Please allow me to present:

The Sage Words Pre-Presidency Primer on Profoundly Perplexing Problems
(or: How to Use Alliteration to Authentically Assuage Astoundingly Aggravating Actualities)

This guide is not intended to actually solve the problems I'm about to ennumerate. If it could do that, you could've skipped the entire election and just slipped me a finsky and called it good! No, I just want to give you the common (my friends would say sub-common!) person's perspective of what's wrong with the world. I may have an idea or two to fix things as well, but I think I'll save that for another letter. After all, I expect us to become pen-pals after this!

So for starters, the economy is in tatters. But the problem is, our economy no longer runs on money, or production, or credit, or things; our economy is the largest faith-based program in the world! It's about confidence, faith, and a willingness to accept a little bit of risk. But no one will accept risk any more!

The only reason the mortgage crisis was able to drag our economy down so far is because we have bred the risk-takers out of our country. Every loan was packaged and sold with other loans for a profit. Then those packages were bundled and sold for another profit. Then the bundles were sold to the government (Fannie and Freddy were always govenrment, no matter what Donald Trump thinks!) for yet another profit! But the best part is, risk was eliminated! Fannie and Freddy bought anything and everything and didn't care what was in it! This taught the lenders that any risk was acceptable, because there was really NO risk! At least not to them! Couple this with an unregulated system of self-policing and you get rediculous numbers of rediculous loans for rediculous deals, all guarenteed by Uncle Sam!

Seriously Mr. Obama, find a way to restore confidence by restoring risk. The risk weeds out the greedy pigs and dolts and whomever is left standing, you can have more confidence in! Then you invest in them! Survival of the (fiscally) fittest! (As it turns out, Darwin was an economist!)

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We are at war. Why we are at war is not your issue, it belongs to history. Please keep this in mind as you plan your first steps into an arena that is, for the moment, beyond your experience. Listen to your troops and digest what they have to tell you. I promise you, an army enlisted soldier with three tours on the ground in Iraq and one in Afghanistan knows a lot more than they get credit for most of the time. Your Generals will all give you outstanding advice on strategy and tactics, but none of them has ever had to pour fuel-oil into a full latrine pit and stir it with a stick as it burns. Go find a couple of troops that have done that, and talk to them before you decide how to handle the Middle East. Perspective is a valuable thing.

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Cooperation. You said in a lot of your speeches that you were going to reach across the isle. I think this is a ridiculous concept. If you reach across the isle, and the Republicans reach across the isle, and Nancy Pelosi reaches across the isle, and everyone else reaches across the isle, you're going to all end up over balanced and falling on your faces (like that's never happened in Washington before!)! Here's a bit of free advice:

JUST GET INTO THE ISLE!

Get into the isle, Sir! Bring your friends! Bring your enemies! Bring a picnic lunch, but get IN there and quit holding on to the stupid, compulsive, selfish, and ignorant need to keep one foot firmly planted on "your side" of the isle! There are no sides anymore! We face too many really important challenges to hold onto our ancient, well-worn, classical, hand-tooled ideology the way we used to! If you have to be a liberal and someone else has to be a conservative all the time, you will never see eye to eye. The only true ideology for a President is service to the people. All of them.

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Use your resources! I may be a tiny bit off here, but while I was watching you and Senator McCain give your speeches on election night, I got the distinct impression that you two were up to something! I think one of the best things you could do going forward would be to offer the Senator a place in your new administration. He's a born leader, a master warrior, and the very picture of patriotism our nation still needs to be able to rally around. If he were in the comics, he'd be Captain America! Only, you know, not quite as muscle-bound.

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President-Elect Obama, you have just earned for yourself the world's second-hardest job (naked cat-hearding is the first). People will second- and third-guess everything you do (and that's appropriate), but if you plan your Presidency as well as you planned your campaign, you will find yourself appreciated more ofen than not. So keep your head up, your back straight, and march proudly into the White House on January 20th, knowing that you belong there, you are wanted there, and you deserve to be there. But also know that it was regular people who put you there, and who are counting on you to do right by them. From what I've seen so far, I don't think we'll be dissappointed.


Thank you for your time Mr. President-Elect. And thank you for your service.



-Sage Words

No, seriously! Here's what I REALY Think!

Okay, so I guess I teased you a bit with that last post! Naughty naughty me! So let me just get right to the point:

The (Actual) Sage Words Guide to the Political Opinions Within the Sage Words Mind
(or, how to actually agonize endlessly over your vote without really trying)

Let me start right off by saying that I think I am one of the few people who is NOT terrified by what's about to happen. I honestly believe that no matter who is elected President, our nation will be better off than it is right now.

I think the last eight years have brought us to a place we never really wanted to be as a nation. We no longer lead the world by providing a positive example, we lead by flexing our muscles. We no longer extend a helping hand, but a hitting hand, and we stubbornly continue to thrash about in the delicate china shop of international relations, pushing our allies and enemies alike aside whenever it suits us, while we allow our people at home to drown in floods, die in hurricanes, and be crushed under crumbling bridges. We create a climate that encourages huge corporations to amass vast wealth at the expense of most of our citizens, but refuse to require those same corporations to exercise what should be a civic duty to forgo some of those profits when times are tough! We encourage our banking industry to help more people own homes, but neglect to protect those same people from predatory lending disguised as "help".

I could go on like this for hours. The sheer number of things that push my political "ON" button is staggering at best, but I think I need to keep it a bit more topical, so let me leave this rant in favor of a couple of others. It's on to the candidates!

I'll start with the Elder Statesman of this race:

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

John McCain. The Maverick.

Listen. I was totally in love with John McCain in 2000. I liked his message, I liked his style, and I liked the fact that, when he got caught being a dumbass like ALL members of congress eventually do, he didn't try to weasel out of it by questioning the definition of the word "is", he just fessed up, acknowledged that he did something wrong and/or stupid, and promised not to do it again. Not only that, he followed through on that promise. He became a champion of campaign finance reform, fighting to change a system that practically begged to be abused!

McCain 2000 was fearless. He stuck his thumb in his own party's eye on several occasions and his constituents in Arizona loved him for it. He would have made a thoughtful, decisive, effective President.

McCain 2008. Hmm...not so much. During his 2000 run against "W", there was so much animosity between them it was like a Tesla Coil when the two of them were in the same room! Heck, the same state! Then the Political Machine, owned and operated by "W"s old man, went to work for the youngster. McCain was shut out, and the farther right you were, the less likely you were to be on his side. Eventually, he had to throw in the towel.

This was an honerable loss. But my problem is, he followed his towel into the ring and began to use it to clean up after his hated adversary! He spoke at Jerry Fallwell's school, he towed the line, he went to all the right photo ops with "W" and he looked like he was swallowing camel dung the entire time. Ugh.

What happened to my Maverick!??!!? Where's my political man-crush gone to, and who is this ancient sychophant who has replaced him? McCain 2008. Not the man he once was.

However, in the long run, I still have hope for him. He has shown an amazing ability to bounce back from his mistakes over the years, so maybe he'll do it again this time. After all, I deeply believe that he is a man who literally LIVES to serve his country. I think it's the first thing on his mind in the morning, and the last thing on his mind at night. I respect and admire him for the things he's endured on my behalf and I think his integrity is unmatched in politics. God Speed, Mr. McCain.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Barack Obama. Holy moly!

I remember his speech to the Democratic National Convention in 2004. It was nothing short of amazing! Chica and I were speechless as we watched this political supernova being born right before our eyes! We both said, on that very night, "that guy will be running for President in 2008!"

[FULL DISCLOSURE ALERT] Actually, Chica said that. I said he'd come up short of the nomination in 2008 but win it in 2012. Chica always has been smarter than me!

So here we had this superstar in the making, building all this excitement and oozing charisma and pushing all the right buttons and utterly FAILING to do anything of substance! Many political junkies will be startled right out of their "New Camelot" fantasies by that remark, but I believe it to be true.

In four years, Obama has had an enormous impact on politics, but almost zero impact on policy! Where are your windmills, Mr. Obama, and why do you refuse to tilt at them?

Barack Obama has chosen not to vote 238 times out of 754 opportunities. That's almost 32% of the time! Don't believe me? Just look HERE.

What would happen to a postman who chose not to deliver 32% of the mail? Or a doctor who only accounted for 68% of the instruments he used operating on your liver? Okay, these are extreme examples, but the truth is much simpler; if you want to be my President, you need to show me some decisiveness! A flowery speech is a wonderful thing, but back it up with action! I'm glad Senator Obama could draw 100,000 Germans to a ralley, but can he feed 100,000 children living below the poverty line? Does he have a plan to bring 100,000 jobs back to America from outsourcing efforts? Let's have some substance, my friend!

Okay, but is he worth voting for? Absolutely! He brings some things to the table we haven't seen in a LONG time. He energizes young people to care about issues. It's about time, because we've depended on the Baby Boomers to run things for long enough! It's time for us, their children and grand children, to take a turn at the helm and give them a much deserved break.

Obama can also help to rehabilitate our reputation outside our borders. Those 100,000 Germans may not be able to vote for him, but they can certainly tell their own leaders to cooperate with him!

There's one other thing Obama can do for us; he can show us that we can look past the petty concept of race as a qualifying factor and make decisions based on a careful, studied examination of who someone is, rather than what they look like. To youalso, Senator Obama; God Speed.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

So I guess this is it. This is the part where I tell you who I'm for and why. For the record, I vote absentee in Washington State, and I filled out and mailed my ballot on the 29th of October. So without further ado (that's right, all that stuff above was "ado". Some might say "ado-doo") I bring you:

The No-BS Sage Words 2008 Presidential vote
(now with actual justification at no further charge!)

I cast my vote for John McCain. Chica will tell you that I had my mind made up a long time ago, and to an extent she would be correct. But I've had my doubts. Both candidates are worthy, but here's why Senator John S. McCain gets my vote:

• Senator McCain has a mean streak a mile wide and he knows it. Some may think this is a handicap, but he's known about it forever and is still able to sucessfully serve his country. He's got fire and determination, combined with the control required to make it an asset instead of a liability. I feel sorry for our enemies if he gets elected! (That's a lie. I don't feel bad at all!)
• McCain acknowledges his mistakes. He's admitted, several times in public, and in a book, that his first marriage ended because he was a cheating asshole. He has done right by his ex-wife, who get's most of his personal income for life, and he didn't need a judge to tell him to do it.
• He has honor and integrity. I truly believe that his love for his country is immense and he will never knowingly do something that could hurt her. He'll do what he thinks is right, not what he is told by advisors would look good.
• I don't think he ran because he wanted to be President. I think he ran because he felt a calling to serve, and that's a very powerful thing. It puts his mind right.

McCain is my choice. I'm proud to vote for him and I'm glad I did it early. As I write this, the polls are open. Returns will be coming in soon and we'll know in a few hours which direction we are headed. I will proudly, and without reservation, continue to serve my nation under the leadership of either man, and I will not allow harm to come to you on my watch. All I ask in return is that you vote your conscience as I have mine. Next thing you know, we'll see this:

and it'll all be over!

I'm excited! Are you?



-Sage Words

(Tomorrow: An open letter to the President-Elect!)

This is what I think...

They say it's not over 'till it's over. Seriously, they say that! I've heard them! Well, it seems as if it's over. Or rather, ALMOST over! I keep forgetting about that last little step...



Um...sorry. I guess that was a bit loud. How's this...


Better? Good. Let's move on...

I've been asked by many of my readers (both of you, at one point or another!) to expound on the current political situation. I have refrained from doing so until now for a couple of reasons:

1. I am a procrastinator
2. I am lazy
3. I fear the almost godlike power of my lofty public perch as a blogger and did not wish to unduly influence any of my fellow voters because I happen to believe in freedom of choice and would never dream of trying to push my political opinions on another person without...
4. What a load of crap. Just see #1 and #2

But now, at the eleventh hour (or pretty close to it!) I guess it's time to share my thoughts, so here they are:

The Sage Words Guide to the Political Opinions Within the Sage Words Mind
(or, how to agonize endlessly over your vote without really trying)

I remember my political awakening like it was November 4, 1980...

It was November 4, 1980, and I was watching the Television News Broadcast (these things were always capitalized back then) with my Dad. Jimmy Carter was President at the time, and was running for re-election against some guy who died playing football on TV and hung around with monkeys. In my great (Sage?) wisdom, I fully expected Jimmy Carter to win. When Dad asked me why, I gave him the most reasonable answers I could:

• He's the President
• He wants to

What could be more compelling? How could some football player with a monkey win? With this insight firmly entrenched across the normally quiet Western Front of my eight year old mind, I proceeded to watch my very first political slaughter!

It didn't take long to see that things were going badly for my main man Mister Ka-Tair! (<--Subtle 70's reference). He picked up a state here and there, but he was beginning to hear Howard Cosell in the back of his head, talking about Regan as the "Harmer of the Farmer"!
I was confused. I went back over my careful reasoning, checking my facts as I went.

• Yes. Jimmy Carter was President (my Dad said so)
• Yes. Jimmy Carter did still want to be President (my Dad said that too. If you don't believe him, I'll fight you after school, over by the flag pole!)

I started to cry (I think I only beat Jimmy Carter by about ten minutes). I didn't understand why they wouldn't let him be President any more! He was a Peanut Farmer! His brother was FAMOUS! It wasn't FAIR!

Life can be hard when you're eight.

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So here we are, 28 years later. And here it is, about to be November 4th again. And we jump from one election to another without a net! Fasten your seatbelts!

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This election has been going on for approximately two years! We've broken records in practically every state for voter turnout during the primary season. We've seen a paradigm shift in who is qualified to run for President, and we're poised to make history no matter who wins tomorrow's election!

I know a lot of you are worried and fretful over who's going to win. You may not believe we're ready for one candidate or another (although I've discussed this topic before, HERE). You may not think either candidate is going to take us in the right direction. You may not even be sure that there IS a right direction. Well, I don't know how to calm those fears, but I do know that we all have to do our part. Tomorrow, our part is to vote, so go out there and do it!




I know I promised you my political opinions, but I'm going to post this right now, without adding to it any further. I want you to think long and hard about your own political opinions and act on them. In a few minutes, I'll write about my personal thoughts and opinions in a new post. Maybe I'll even tell you how I voted!



-Sage Words

It's the Circle of Thwartage!

I hate being thwarted! All day, lurking around every corner, has been a thwart-worthy event and I have HAD it!

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Cooking pancakes today, the first one stuck to the pan. I took the spatula and proceeded to try to peel it up, but to no avail. In fact, not only did I not get an avail (is that the right way to say that? I never know...) but the pancake was destroyed in the process and the leading edge of a brand-new plastic spatula was melted! AAGHHH! Thwarted!

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So I decided to go to the store to get a metal spatula. Naturally, in the process, I saw about four hundred other things I absolutely HAD to have because I went to the store hungry because my pancakes were ruined and I needed a new spatula!

$85 later, I leave the store. Yes, I remembered the metal spatula (eventually!) but I also remembered taco meat, hot sauce, kitchen knives, sandwich meat and any number of other things I would never have had to spend money on if only I had not been thwarted by the accursed pancakes! AAGHHH! Thwarted again!

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Next, I left the store. Or rather, I tried to. Oh, I got out of the store all right. I even got into my car (not actually my car, but that's a thwart-worthy story for another day!) and pulled out of my space. I got in line behind two other cars waiting to turn left into traffic. And waiting. And waiting some more.

Turns out that the person at the front of the line had stalled out and couldn't move! So there I am, sandwiched between vehicles, trapped; like a rat in a PT Cruiser. GRRR! Thwarted Again!!

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Eventually, the three or four cars stacked up behind me got frustrated and, backing dangerously into the busy parking lot, they turned around and went to another exit. This freed me to do the same (only safer!) and I moved over to another exit to the right of where I had just been sitting for ten minutes. Just as I turned left, into traffic and on my way home, the stalled truck started up and, pulling in front of me, stalled again! OONGAWA!!! Thwarted once more!

Finally the truck drifted off to the side of the road, out of traffic, and I was able to continue home. What a relief!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Remember when I said I bought "any number of other things" while I was at the store because of the vicious thwarting I received at the hands of my pancakes? Go back and look; I'll wait...

====

Got it? Good. Well, one of the things I bought was a DVD. Now, Chica and I are living in somewhat austere conditions right now as we transition from England to Arizona, and await the arrival of our stuff. So the only entertainment device we currently have is my (VERY OLD) laptop. Still, it can be cozy to snuggle up and watch a movie on the small (seriously, this thing is SMALL and OLD!) screen. But, naturally, my DVD playing software doesn't work because the trial period has expired (I refuse to spend money just to watch a DVD on my own computer!). YYAARRRRGGGHH!! Thwarted!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So off I go, searching the Interweb for more free dvd player software. As an IT professional of sixteen years, this should be simple for me, right? My collegues would all tell you it should be a piece of cake.

I downloaded two non-working programs, one that requires purchase to hear the audio track, a Trojan Horse, and a second copy of the one that stopped working in the first place! NNNNGGHGHGH!!!!! More thwarting! Chica even suggested I call one of her Reserve coworkers in NEBRASKA for help! Multiple Twartage!!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So here I am, writing a blog about being thwarted. I get it. Some days, you thwart, and other days you get thwarted. I know when I'm licked. Now I just have to switch over to the last thing I downloaded so hopefully I can watch my movie in peace. Boy, I really hope this one works; it cost me $14.95.

Don't tell Chica!



-Sage Words

Scattered Musings (in no particular order)

So far today, I've seen the following interesting or startling things:

• A man washing his dog in a car wash
• A woman so keenly interested in the Titanic disaster, she has devoted an entire room in her house to it
• Several melted "Twix" candies
• The (brand-new!) radiator in my car wobbling like a Weeble-Wobble
• A $37.95 shirt on sale for $8.00
• Four generations of women from the same family

Here are my thoughts on these items (in no particular order)...

Man's Best (and smelliest) Friend:

So there we were, my Chica and Me, driving down the road on our way home from the Titanic Lady's house (I told you it was no particular order!) when she spotted this guy in the local Spray-N-Suds with his dog. I didn't see it at first because I'm a careful driver and I was watching where I was going. But she started laughing so hard, and managed to say what sounded to me like "dog...car...wash!", so I made an immediate U-Turn in the middle of the road to see what she was looking at. This, apparently, is an unsafe manuver and I was instantly in trouble. In my defense, however, I did glance in at least one mirror before I did it, (I think) so it was perfectly safe. And besides...

...but I digress...

So there's this guy, and he had the dog's leash in one hand, and the spray wand in the other just hosing the dog off. And the dog was LOVING it!

My Thoughts: It was quite amusing. Seven out of ten.

I'm Flying Jack!:

Leo and Kate were only on the edges of this one, folks. This lady has a big-time fancy going on here. We were there for the Grand Opening of her Titanic Room. She had reproductions of a newspaper from shortly after the wreck, announcing the disaster and all the crazy stuff about "Men of Means" that were killed. She had a model of the ship, and a reproduction tea cup and saucer from the cruise line that owned the Titanic. And yes, she played the movie, but it was really only to add to the atmosphere and no one payed much attention.

My Thoughts: This nice lady was REALLY into her Titanic! But as odd as it may sound on the surface, it was something she and her husband had spent years together working on. It brought them closer and gave them something to share. Ten out of ten!

Is it hot in here, or is it just me?:

Good golly miss Molly! Here it is, the day after Halloween, and I'm just trying to enjoy one of the many left over bite-sized Twix candies I just happen to have in my possesion, when the Sun decides it would be better if it DRIPPED out of the shiny foil wrapper instead of remaining in one yumy, chocolaty good piece long enough to get crammed into my mouth!

My Thoughts: As it turns out, it gets HOT in Arizona! Who knew? Two out of ten!

Filth! Flarn! Filth AND flarn!:

I (allegedly) bought a 1998 Oldsmobile Achieva on 27 September. I've had possession of it for barely two weeks of the 35 days since then! Things keep breaking...it keeps...I can't...AAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!

I will address this issue in its own (future) post. I'm too emotional right now! Chica is the only thing keeping me sane!

My Thoughts: A bit like Showtime's "Dexter", I'm afraid. Negative twelve out of ten!

Taking the Bear (market) by the horns:

Mervyns Department Stores, like so many other businesses right now, is going out of business. The up side to this is that I get to buy a $37.95 shirt for eight bucks! The down side is, it's just another symptom of our struggling economy.

My Thoughts: Three more days folks! Let's try to hold on for three more days! Then we can begin complaining about how the new President-Elect has completely failed to magically solve all of our financial problems, end (or not! Your choice!) the War, buy us all houses, make nice with Europe, get tough with China, or wash our dogs for us in a car wash! That's what we do, right? Blame our elected leaders for everything and refuse to take responsibility?? Oh, it's not? My bad. Three out of ten. Or seven. Depends how you look at it.

The Well-Tended Family Tree:

Four generations of women in one house at the same time! The Titanic lady's Grand Opening was attended by her mother, daughter, and grand-neice (her sister's kid)! That is phenominal!

My Thoughts: Family is so very important! Sometimes we forget that it's our family who makes us, molds us, supports us, loves us, grieves with us, and sometimes saves us from the pitfalls of the world. I saw a very close-knit family today who didn't even know they were inspiring me! I love them for that! Several million out of ten!

Scattered Conclusions:

Sometimes we face challenges we can quantify (A dirty dog, a 1998 Oldsomobile Achieva, you know how it is!) and sometimes ones we can hardly fathom (Jack floating away in "Titanic", political and financial anxiety in a shakey economy, melted candy: like that.) but it's our family that helps us get through it all.

Wife, husband, parent, sibling, child, cousin, God-child, God-parent, aunt, uncle, grandparent, step parent, step child, priest, coworker, old friend, pet, social worker, foster family. Everyone.

It's all about family people. Love them. Be good to them. Share your candy with them! And remember that you are never alone, never forgotten, and never unloved.

After all, if you're reading this, you're part of MY family! And in my family, that's how we roll!

Until next time...



-Sage Words

Playing Ketchup

Ketchup

Okay, I know. I've recently been reminded that I'm supposed to be writing about the stuff from my challenge post from wwaaaaayyyyyyyy back in June! I should be writing about:

• Anger/Happiness/Monkeys - The first response I got was also the most difficult. I know what I want to write, just not how to say it. But it's coming, be patient!
• Dialysis - Mostly just a lot of research to get this one right. When I (foolishly?) made the challenge, I guess I didn't take my impending move into account! Working on it!
• The reactions of several historically significant monkeys to the current political climate - Odds are, they would have all just flung poo at all the candidates, but I think I can do better than that! Gimme time!
• TWO illustrated (and monkey-laden) sequels to the movie "Unbreakable" - This dude is just plain weird. Still, it will be fun to do, so count me in (eventually)!
• Another political piece, this time about racially motivated voting - easy to do, hard to do right. I have a lot of political opinions and history to get straight in my head before I do this, but I think it will need to be first (after this!) since the election is coming up so quickly.
• And finally, my moving adventure - Coming soon to a blogosphere near you! But not today!

Today, what we're going to talk about is money.

Kiz-ash!

Now, it is imperative that you all understand that I am NOT an expert in any way shape or form about money. I know it when I see it. I'd prefer to have more of it. But I'm not in any danger of having a nationally-televised program explaining all the ins and outs of it either. Maybe that's the problem.

I've been watching the news, listening to the radio, reading the paper, eavesdropping on people's private conversations, and even examining cloud formations for secret messages and very nearly every word you hear from any source is about the economy.

It's clear to me that someone is going to have to straighten out this mess. We've read about bailouts (er, "rescue" plans!) from the government for everyone from giant insurance companies to huge segments of the population who are already doing fairly well for themselves. We've heard about the government giving more money to banks so they'll stop hoarding the money they already have. We've heard about new rules for how CEO's are paid and how loans are approved. What we've heard has so far cost us $823,000,000,000.00 or so.

Eight
Hundred
Twenty-three
BILLION DOLLARS!

And it's not going to be enough. Not by a long shot. In fact, that giant insurance company I mentioned before is now asking for another hand-out! Also in the billions!

Okay, let me see. I'm 36 years old, and I've had a job of one sort or another since I was about 15. Some were part-timers, some temp stuff, and full-time work since I was 19 or 20, so figure about 20 total years of work. Considering what I make now, and generously doubling my salary every year (thank you!), I should be able to make that up in about 180 years. So don't worry folks, I got this! I hear the first billion is the hardest.

Okay. Perhaps that won't work. Here's a better idea...

WAKE UP!!!!!!!!!!!

Now, that comment is not directed at you, my dear (and limited!) readership. Rather, it is intended for all the moorings on Wall Street, those idiots. In fact, here's another little message for those dolts:

There is no such thing as money or profit. It is all imaginary. The whole thing is a confidence game, and I don't mean an "Ocean's Eleven" confidence game, I mean a game of confidence. In other words, if you think you're going to lose money, YOU WILL! You're all idiots! If you would just kick back and calm down for a minute, this whole thing would stop spiraling down around us!

Didn't you learn anything from "It's a Wonderful Life"? During the depression, it was only George Bailey and Mr. Potter who made it through the runs on the banks, because they were the only ones to be reasonable and calm! This is NO DIFFERENT! Calm down and stop trying to pull out every time there's a tiny uptick in your stock prices. Your desperate attempt to make a tiny profit and get out quick just forces the whole mess to perpetuate! How can you be so smart and so stupid at the same time?

Okay. That's enough for those idjits. Here's something for the rest of us:

Sage Words' Guide To Financial Well-Being
(or: how to not get poor without really trying)

As I stated before, I'm not an expert. But I have a rudimentary intelligence which has so far kept me out of jail and non-murdered, so it's at least possible that I could make some sense here. But I also have to keep my lawyer happy by warning you that anything I advise you to do may be complete hogwash and if you follow my advice, it's your own fault, whatever happens.

And in the interests of full disclosure, my lawyer is a small, 1/2 Burmese cat with two missing teeth named "Gizmo". If you anger him, he will leap up, rip out your eyes with his mighty claws, and feast on your brains! Or he may just get cat hair all over your best suit. Whatever.

So here we go. Financial advice:

1. Know how much money you have
2. Spend less than that

Uh, that's all I got. Not very helpful, I'm afraid.

Pollyanna used to play a game called the "Glad Game". No matter what happened, she tried to be positive. When it rained, she would be glad that the plants would be getting a drink of water. When Gilligan and his friends got marooned on a desert island, she would be glad that there would soon be many new coconut-based technologies for the world to share. When Timmy fell down the well, she was glad Lassie would have something to do besides sniffing other dogs' butts. When she fell out of a tree and became paralyzed, she was glad that she'd never wear out another pair of shoes. Okay, so maybe Pollyanna was a bit extreme in her application of the "Glad Game," but the idea was a good one.

Listen. I don't have all the answers. No one does. I know times are tough out there for most of you and I know what it's like to be unsure about how you're going to pay for something you really need. But I also know that panicking is NOT going to fix anything. Try to keep your head during all of this and don't despair. There's enough despair in the world as it is, so let's not add to it, okay?

And if we start to go hungry, we can always eat the koalas.



-Sage Words

The Jury Remains Out

So I guess that gadget worked, but I'm still of two minds on the idea. I think I'll keep it for a while and see if it helps me to post a little more often.

The problem is, I don't see myself using this the same way I do the standard interface. I can't add pictures, or format text with this thing, so will that stunt my humor? Or, indeed, have I just been making a wild assumption by calling my previous works "humor"?

Then there's the "epic" factor. Some of my previous posts have been, shall we say, excessive. This thing doesn't really encourage long-term rambling. Or is that a good thing?

So you, my loyal readers (or browsers, or whatever) will need to be the jury. This is appropriate because there can't be more than twelve of you!

Let me know what you think? More frequent, but probably smaller posts, or less frequent but occasionally researched and planned out posts?

Or do you want both? Post a comment and let me know!



-Sage Words

And Another Thing...

So here's something new. I found a little gadget that will let me make little mini blog entries from my iGoogle home page!

Wow. I can't believe I just said that. Has the world become so techno-centric that I am now excited about a webpage gadget? This will be the third method I've used to post to this blog, and I haven't even tried the e-mail posting feature!

So I guess I'm just easily distracted by shiny objects, fuzzy kittens, flashing lights, and will happily drink any kool-aid I come across!

Sad. I appear to be a mindless sheep. This probably comes as no surprise to most of you.

Whatever. I'm going to click the "publish" button, then race over to my blog to see if this worked! Cool!



-Sage Words

A Whole New Beginning

It's funny how being a so-called "expert" in a field can make you an idiot. As many of you may know (can I legally use the word "many" to describe my limited readership?) I have recently (last week) moved from the United Kingdom to Arizona. This is an issue I will deal with in an entirely other post, but for the moment, allow me to focus on one annoying thing.

You see, I needed to change my registration on this blog in order to deal with the fact that my old e-mail address no longer exists. The process for this is relatively straight-forward until you take into account the fact that, in many ways, I'm not terribly creative. One of the results of this non-creativity is my choice of nicknames. You know me here as Sage Words. That seems to have become my "nom de plume" (French for "surrender") over the years. However, I needed to come up with a new nickname in order to shift the admin functions of this blog over to my new account.

Somehow, in my haste and impatience, I have changed the "posted by" name on all my previous posts to what was supposed to be a temporary nickname, but now I'm afraid to change it for fear of losing all my posts.

So the long and the short of it is this: Old posts are now listed under the name "Parsley Words".

Parsley

My new ones will continue to be posted as "Sage Words".

Sage

Naturally, I'm good in pasta either way.



-Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme Words

Angry Bloggers Are Happy Bloggers

So I was re-reading my post from yesterday and it occurred to me that it was somewhat angry. Now, people get angry sometimes, it's just a fact of life. And I'm not going to apologize for my words. I'm quite careful about what I put up here and I don't publish it until I'm sure it's what I want to say.

With that being said, I think I need to lighten up a bit (for now!). So I'm going to open this up to my fans (both of you) to decide! I hereby promise to write about anything you want to hear! Post a comment on this entry and let me know what you want me to expound upon. I'll take the first five suggestions, regardless of topic, and write a minimum of 500 words for each one! And they will all be lighthearted and happy (unless they aren't) in keeping with my newfound need for anger management! After those five, I may or may not use other suggestions, depending on my whims!

Of course, as with anything, there are rules. Please keep the following in mind while giving me my orders:

• While I have no problem writing about poop, if that is the only word you put in your comment, I may simply write a dirty limerick and be done with it
  
• I am willing to write dirty limericks
  
• I will only revisit a topic I've previously covered if you have specific questions. Or if I feel like it
  
• You can never have too many references to monkeys. If you don't mention monkeys in your comment, don't be surprised if I throw them in anyway!
  
• Obscurity is a plus! If I have to look up a lot of stuff just to understand what you're talking about, that means I'll learn something, and that's cool
  
• Politics are fair game (in case you haven't noticed!) but don't expect me to agree with you
  
• Feel free to ask me about events in my life (first time I blew up an anthill, how often I skipped classes, etc)
  
• I will not post naked pictures of myself. Enough people have been traumatized by seeing me naked and I don't wish to add to the list
  
• Please phrase your comments in such a way that they will not call out any individual by name. Nicknames are fine, if you're sure I'll get it
  

Okay, I'm ready for the challenge! Test me, confuse me, dare me, whatever! Bring it on!

 

 

-Sage Words

New-Fangled Computer Thingies

So I just got the newest version of my default word processor (we don't do product placement here!) and it has this nifty feature that allegedly allows me to publish straight to my blog from the program itself. Now, I'm not particularly timid about technology (I have two computers, a laptop, a PDA, an iPod, two other MP3 players, several thumb drives, and cell phone numbers in two countries!) but it's just a bit scary to think my word processor can pretend it's me long enough to post to my blog!

I mean, what happens if I'm working on a school paper and I accidentally post it? Then it gets scanned by Google and ends up living on the interwebs forever? Then I turn in my paper and my instructor uses one of the term-paper scanning sites to see if I've plagiarized the work and the site finds MY OWN paper in Google's cache so the instructor gives me an "F" for plagiarizing MYSELF?!!?!!?

Dude. It's too much to consider.

However, I am nothing if not an enthusiastic adopter (mindless sheep) of new technology, so I'm writing this in my word processor and am going to try to upload it automatically.

Cross your fingers.

 

 

-Sage Words

Everything I say is perfectly reasonable.

I hate koalas.

There. I said it. And I'm glad I said it! Koalas are one of the most useless animals in all of creation! Oh, I know what you're saying:

"But koalas are so cute! They're fuzzy and soft and cuddly!"

Good point. I suggest we make coats and mittens out of 'em!

I'm serious! Koalas can't even be trusted to eat properly (like Nicole Ritchie?). They will only eat eucalyptus leaves which are a HORRIBLE food source! Koalas are one of the most profound idiots in the animal kingdom and I don't think we should tolerate their existence!

NASTY and useless, just like koalas!

Not only are eucalyptus leaves low in protein and mostly indigestible, but they are actually POISONOUS! These morons eat poison! On purpose! Koalas won't even DRINK WATER! They get all of their moisture from the stupid, indigestible, poisonous leaves that they've eaten for so long that they had to develop a special stomach to ferment them in order to extract a little more nutrition! They will literally DIE of THIRST sitting next to a pool of water if there are no eucalyptus leaves around!

Dude. Have a sandwich and a glass of milk, willya? Jeeze!

I suggest we disabuse ourselves of this whole "cute animals must live" nonsense and remember our place in the food chain. And I suggest we start by eating every last useless, stupid, poison-loving koala on the planet!

Yum!

In fact, why stop there? Koalas aren't the only useless-but-cute-so-let's-not-kill-them creatures in the world! Here are a few more items to add to the menu at my new "Circle of Life" chain of restaurants:

Pandas:

Good start!

These guys are even worse than the koalas! Pandas are carnivores. Pandas only eat bamboo. Pandas are nearly incapable of digesting cellulose. Bamboo is composed primarily of cellulose.

AAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Actually, killing them off might be doing the pandas a favor. How many times have you heard about the complete and utter failure of pandas to mate in the wild, in captivity, in cheap motel rooms, in the back seats of cars, or ANYWHERE!?! They are trying to tell us something! They want to die out! But do we let them? No! We kidnap them, slip them a mickey, and artificially inseminate them!

Hey baby, what's your sign?

Isn't that what aliens do to lonely farmers they abduct from the X-Files? Just let them go! it's what they want! I don't see any of you trying to stop the lemmings! If lemmings are going to be allowed to kill themselves off en mass, why not pandas? Maybe instead of inseminating pandas against their will, we should be providing them with razor blades and blunt objects and encouraging them to ride skate boards without helmets!! Or are we going to suddenly come to our senses and start strapping air bags to all the lemmings and forcing them all to read "PlayRodent"?

What is wrong with these creatures? Die, pandas, die! Panda steaks, Koala Stew, and a side of Lemming McNuggets for everyone!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So, I'm guessing by now that one or two of you (my entire readership!) are beginning to suspect that there's something slightly wrong with me. Now, while I certainly cannot refute that assertion, my wrongness is not manifested by my sudden desire to kill and eat as many cute but useless animals as possible. It just occurred to me that, if you're loud enough and forceful enough, you can convince yourself of the truth in ANY damn-fool idea. Take the Sons of Confederate Veterans, for example.

In a celebration of their "Southern Heritage", this noble group raised a 30-foot by 50-foot Confederate Battle Flag on a 139-foot flag pole in Hillsborough County, Florida.

Gigantic symbol of ignorance

Now, I'm not one to criticize (people who criticize suck!) but I'm not sure this idea is a First-Class ticket to peace and harmony. As a matter of fact, it appears to be causing a bit of a controversy. Imagine that.

The Sons of Confederate Veterans say the flag is simply an expression of their heritage:

A Tampa man is explaining his decision to hoist what some are calling "the world's largest confederate flag" on a lot next to a busy highway. Marion Lambert of Brandon, Florida said the flag is "the most recognizable southern symbol" and he will be using it "to focus attention on the heritage [and] the history" of the south.

Unfortunately, for most (educated) people in this day and age that flag merely symbolizes hatred, intolerance, discrimination, and ignorance. Now, if that's what they're going for, great! If the Sons of Confederate Veterans are trying to show how backward and pig-headed they can be, than a 1500 square-foot "Stars & Bars" is just the way to go.

But wait. This is what they hung up:

????

And they call it the "Confederate Flag". That's odd. That's not the flag of the Confederate States of America. And it never was! Here are the official flags of the CSA (click for larger image):

Flags of Our (loser) Fathers

The top one is the real "Stars & Bars" and was adopted specifically because it was reminiscent of our own "Stars & Stripes"! Honest!

So here we have these poor, lost souls, celebrating their heritage with a symbol that never stood for what they're celebrating. That flag they are so proud of was simply one of 180 different battle standards used by the Confederacy. It was ultimately the most popular, which is why it is part of the second and third flags, but not the whole thing.

No, that symbol by itself has come to represent hate, intolerance, and division. It's a reminder of how far we once sank, as a species, when we thought it was perfectly fine to consider another human"property". It's a symbol of the most callous kind of indifference and it should only be brought out to teach an object lesson about the potential for hate in our society. In fact if it must be displayed, it should be like this:

Gallows Humor

Artist John Sims, of Tallahassee, Florida calls this piece "The Proper Way To Hang A Confederate Flag". Oddly enough, the Sons of Confederate Veterans are upset and have protested its display as "offensive, objectionable and tasteless". Now isn't that interesting?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is 2008 people. We can do micro surgery on our eyes with lasers and we can build machines out of individual molecules! The things we can do, and the ways we can improve people's lives are simply astounding! So why should we hold on to ancient symbols of hate and division? Why not concentrate more on symbols of love, happiness, kindness and hope?

Or you can come on down to the "Circle of Life Cafe" and have a big steaming bowl of Ignorance Soup on the house! And if you get any on you, have one of our napkins...
















-Sage Words

So How Hungry Are YOU?

I’m in the Air Force. Have been for almost sixteen years now. It’s a good job, and a great way of life, and I am quite proud of what I’ve done in the service of my country.

Mind you, it hasn’t always been easy. There’ve been lots of times when I’ve been given jobs to do that were, shall we say, aggravating. As a young Airman, I once spent a long, hot day planting flowers at the end of a General’s driveway. It was blisteringly hot and at one point, I asked the General’s wife if I could get a drink of water from the hose. She told me to wait until my Sergeant came around and he would get me some water.

Nice.

Now you would think that I would react badly to this but remember, I was new to the Air Force and quite cognizant of my place in the military hierarchy. So instead of blowing up at her, or arguing, or ignoring her and going for the hose anyway, or otherwise getting myself in a heap of trouble, I held my tongue. And after she left, I calmly and methodically severed the roots of all of the flowers in her flower bed. This is what we in the military call “Military Bearing”.

Military Bearing is a skill. If the military is going to complete the very difficult task of defending our nation, we must be able to maintain our composure at all times, regardless of the forces working against us. This is taught to us from the very beginning, in Basic Training.

In Basic Training, most of the people in the flight (about 60 people in mine) had jobs to do besides just marching and making beds. The jobs ranged from Academic Monitor, (not the smartest person in the flight, but usually thinks so) who made sure we all studied our required lessons, to Latrine Queen (not actual royalty, but also usually thinks so) who made sure our latrines stayed in inspection order. But my job was, in some respects, the most difficult of all. I was the Chow Runner. And being Chow Runner is all about Military Bearing.

-------------------

The job of Chow Runner is quite simple on the surface. Before a meal, all flights eating at that dining hall (usually four at a time) form up outside the building. The Chow Runner falls out and enters the dining hall to arrange for his flight to eat. The flight must stay in formation outside the Dining Hall until the Chow Runner comes back for them. This, of course, is the rub.

Being a good Chow Runner is pure Military Bearing. Obstacles are purposely put in your path, and you are expected to overcome them in order to gain entrance to the Dining Hall for your flight. On the surface, the job goes like this:

The Chow Runner enters the dining hall and makes his way to the “Snake Pit,” Picture a large table in the center of the back wall where all the Training Instructors (T.I.’s) eat. The T.I. sitting in the middle is the one the Chow Runner reports to. If the T.I.’s in the Snake Pit are happy with the way the Chow Runner reported they send him out to bring in his flight. If not, the Chow Runner is put “on the Wall.”

Being “on the Wall” means exactly that; you stand at attention against the wall until the T.I.’s at the Snake Pit tell you to get off it. If another Chow Runner comes in and is accepted before you come off the wall, your flight waits until that flight has all come in before you get another chance to satisfy the Snake Pit. This can go on until just before the end of the meal period. If you’re still on the wall at the end, you have to rush out, get your flight and (in all likelihood) miss your own meal due to the rest of the Chow Runner’s duties.

But eventually the Chow Runner is permitted to go outside and lead his flight in. Then you must go back to the Snake Pit and report. If they are happy with your report, you go and guide your flight to the next available seating area. If they are unhappy… the Wall.

Once the flight has gotten its food and been seated, the Chow Runner reports yet again to the Snake Pit. If the Chow Runner passes muster, he gets to eat. If not… the Wall.

So, a very simple process, isn’t it? But like I said, the whole thing is an exercise in Military Bearing. You must follow all protocols exactly. You must speak only when spoken to. You must precede each statement with the proper Reporting Statement. And you must do it all without ever losing your cool and getting mad or scared or intimidated. I only mention this because there is another reason it’s called the “Snake Pit.”

The T.I.’s, especially with new Chow Runners, like to try to make them lose their cool. They’ll yell, or get up and stare you down, or crack jokes, whatever it takes to make the Chow Runner lose his cool. And if you do…the Wall.

So there I was, first day as a Chow Runner. I had practiced the whole previous day and I thought I had it down. But now, it was time to put my training to the test.

“Chow Runner, fall out!” yelled our T.I.

“Proceeding, sir!” I yelled, and ran in to both the dining hall, and the most memorable event of my short Air Force career.

----------------------------------

As I made my way to the Snake Pit, I could only hope that today they would be easy on me. As some of you may or may not know, I tend a bit towards the sarcastic. It has often been said that my mouth will be the end of me. Kind of like when Gary Hart said, “I dare you to catch me cheating on my wife!” But, I digress…

My hands, cupped perfectly and swinging six inches to the front, three to the rear as I marched in, were getting a bit sweaty as I got closer to the Snake Pit. I could see them up there, watching me. Waiting for me to get there so they could strike, like vipers. I marched up to the Snake Pit and made my reporting statement. “Sir, Airman Sage Words (my name has been changed to protect my innocence!) reports as ordered! Flight 319 is prepared to enter the dining hall!”

As I said this, I remained at perfect attention, eyes not looking directly at the T.I. but also not looking away. No one yelled at me, and I thought I had done pretty well. I even thought I’d be allowed to just go and bring in my flight. Ah, youth!

“Airman” the T.I. growled, after sizing me up. “We’re taking a survey today. How hungry is your flight?”

Oh boy, here we go! “Sir, Flight 319 is extremely hungry!” I said.

“Son, that’s not good enough,” the T.I. replied. He winked to one of his companions at the table as he continued. “I’m going to ask you again, Airman. And this time, I want you to answer: ‘My flight is as hungry as…’ and I want you to give me the name of an animal.”

‘Well,’ I thought, ‘this isn’t going to be pleasant.’ But I managed not to break as I said, “Sir, my flight is as hungry as a tiger!”

At this point, one of the other T.I.’s at the table chimed in. “That’s not good enough, Airman. Someone already used ‘Tiger’ today. Give us another animal!”

I was really sweating it now. I wanted to laugh, but I didn’t dare. And I was annoyed that they were messing with me on my first day as Chow Runner. But all I could do was play along and hope they weren’t as sadistic as I was beginning to suspect they were (and probably would be myself, in their place!). Since it was a different person who addressed me, I did a little facing movement so I would be directly facing him. Then I gave him my reporting statement, followed by my new response.

“Sir, Airman Sage Words reports as ordered! My flight is as hungry as a bear!”

“That’s not good enough, Airman!” the first T.I. broke in. His voice was raised ever so slightly, indicating that he was having a pretty good time. “We’ve heard that one today too! I’m going to ask you one more time and if I don’t like your answer, you’re on the wall! Now, how hungry is your flight?”

Now I was mad. I could feel everyone in the dining hall looking at me, waiting for me to screw up. I knew the T.I.’s were having fun because I could see some of them smiling ever so slightly. That’s when I thought, ‘Okay guys, you wanna play? Let’s play!’ Again, I made my facing movement, and made sure my face was totally deadpan and my body ramrod straight. I made my reporting statement.

“Sir, Airman Sage Words reports as ordered! My flight is as hungry as a wombat!”

Silence. I swear you could hear a cricket chirp.

Someone coughed.

Finally, pandemonium!

The entire Snake Pit erupted in laughter! Of the four or five T.I.’s at the table, there was maybe one who could still draw breath. And then there was me. Ramrod straight and totally deadpan.

Finally, someone managed to sputter out, “What the hell is a wombat?”

Without batting an eye, I did my facing movement and snapped, “Sir, Airman Sage Words reports as ordered! A wombat is a four-toed mammal that lives in trees!”

This last was greeted by fresh gales of laughter and the T.I. in charge of the snake pit, his face going a bit red, hollered above the din, “Ok Airman, bring in your herd!”

I didn’t need to be told twice. I took a deep breath, did an about-face, and marched out to “bring in my herd”. Inside I was screaming with laughter (and, admittedly, a certain smugness), but outside, I was still ramrod straight and totally deadpan. I had no choice since I wasn’t finished yet. Once I brought my charges into the dining hall I still had to report back to the Snake Pit.

“Sir, Airman Sage Words reports as ordered! The first Airman from flight 319 has entered the dining hall.”

The laughter had subsided in my absence, and I could tell they were spoiling for a fight. While I was gone, it seemed to have dawned on them that I had made them lose their Military Bearing! So I wasn’t very surprised when I heard the T.I. ask, “Aren’t you the wombat?”

“Yes sir!” I responded. “Flight 319 was as hungry as a wombat!”

“And what did you say a wombat was again?” He didn’t want to let it go.

“Sir, a wombat is a four-toed mammal that lives in trees!” Ramrod straight and deadpan.

Now he was giving me the hairy eyeball. I could tell he wanted me to break, but I wasn’t going to do it. I could take whatever he had to dish out! He stared hard at me for about an hour and a half (hour and a half, 20 seconds, whatever!), and finally dismissed me.

Whew! It was over! I beat them at their own game and was going to get to eat! My own T.I. would be proud of me for succeeding on my first day as Chow Runner, and I was going to ride this victory all the way to becoming the youngest Chief Master Sergeant of the Air Force! I was that good.

Of course, I wasn’t counting on the ineptitude of others.

As the last of my flight sat down and I was about to go get my own meal, a brand-new Airman, without even his first issue uniform, lost his cool at the Snake Pit and paid for it.

“What’s the matter with you, Airman!” the T.I. was yelling, “Haven’t you got any freakin’ military bearing? Get on the wall! I’ll SHOW you some military bearing! Chow Runner, flight 319, get up here now!”

‘Oh crap!’ I thought. ‘I was so close!’

Still, I was not to be vanquished! This was my day and I had discovered that Military Bearing can be combined with Smart-Assery to bring about success! I wasn’t going to let them take that from me! Please take all proper facing movements as a given…

“Sir, Airman Sage Words reports as ordered!”

“How hungry was your flight?”

“Sir, Flight 319 was as hungry as a wombat!”

“And what is a wombat, Airman?”

“Sir, a wombat is a four-toed mammal that lives in trees!”

“I know that, Airman! But what does it look like?”

Huh? This was new! Still, I had my ‘A’ Game that day…

“Sir, it’s a small furry creature that resembles a koala!”

“You tellin’ me it looks like a koala bear, Airman?”

“No sir! A koala is not a bear, it’s a marsupial, sir!”

Everything stopped.

I just stood there, ramrod straight and totally deadpan, waiting to see what would happen. Then, chaos ensued throughout the dining hall. Everyone was laughing, yelling or generally freaking out except for me. Throughout it all, I was ramrod straight and totally deadpan.

Finally the T.I. told me to get the hell out of his dining hall! Again, I didn’t need to be told twice! I did my facing movement and marched straight outside. Then I laughed so hard and so long that I nearly collapsed against the wall! I couldn’t even answer when my own T.I. demanded to know what was so funny!

I laughed so hard I ended up scrubbing pigeon droppings off the buildings in the squadron two hours a day for the next three days! But they couldn’t break me! I never once lost my Military Bearing! And from that day, until graduation, I never got put on the wall.

----------------------------------------------

I have many obsessions. I’m a great fan of drunk monkeys, I can recite every word of “Monty Python and the Quest for the Holy Grail”, and I am totally convinced that THIS YEAR is the year my beloved Denver Broncos win the Super Bowl again; but those obsessions all originated outside myself. The wombat thing (and now you know the real reason for the title of this blog!) is totally my own creation, born of the perfect confluence of sarcasm and terror in the very formation of my adult life! I will always cherish it, and it makes me smile to write about it now, to share with you! Thanks for reading!

For the record, the American Heritage Dictionary says a wombat is “any of several stocky, burrowing, Australian marsupials of the family Vombatidae, somewhat resembling a small bear and feeding mainly on grass, leaves, and roots.”

As it turns out, I was wrong about the trees. Go figure.

-Sage Words

Remedial Parent Training

Today's entry is brought to you by My Parents (see below). They need help figuring out how to put a picture into a blog entry like so:


Viola! Now there's a picture!

Mom, I'll need extra starch on my shirts if you don't mind.

Love ya!



-Sage Words