Friday, June 20, 2008

Everything I say is perfectly reasonable.

I hate koalas.

There. I said it. And I'm glad I said it! Koalas are one of the most useless animals in all of creation! Oh, I know what you're saying:

"But koalas are so cute! They're fuzzy and soft and cuddly!"

Good point. I suggest we make coats and mittens out of 'em!

I'm serious! Koalas can't even be trusted to eat properly (like Nicole Ritchie?). They will only eat eucalyptus leaves which are a HORRIBLE food source! Koalas are one of the most profound idiots in the animal kingdom and I don't think we should tolerate their existence!

NASTY and useless, just like koalas!

Not only are eucalyptus leaves low in protein and mostly indigestible, but they are actually POISONOUS! These morons eat poison! On purpose! Koalas won't even DRINK WATER! They get all of their moisture from the stupid, indigestible, poisonous leaves that they've eaten for so long that they had to develop a special stomach to ferment them in order to extract a little more nutrition! They will literally DIE of THIRST sitting next to a pool of water if there are no eucalyptus leaves around!

Dude. Have a sandwich and a glass of milk, willya? Jeeze!

I suggest we disabuse ourselves of this whole "cute animals must live" nonsense and remember our place in the food chain. And I suggest we start by eating every last useless, stupid, poison-loving koala on the planet!


In fact, why stop there? Koalas aren't the only useless-but-cute-so-let's-not-kill-them creatures in the world! Here are a few more items to add to the menu at my new "Circle of Life" chain of restaurants:

Good start!

These guys are even worse than the koalas! Pandas are carnivores. Pandas only eat bamboo. Pandas are nearly incapable of digesting cellulose. Bamboo is composed primarily of cellulose.


Actually, killing them off might be doing the pandas a favor. How many times have you heard about the complete and utter failure of pandas to mate in the wild, in captivity, in cheap motel rooms, in the back seats of cars, or ANYWHERE!?! They are trying to tell us something! They want to die out! But do we let them? No! We kidnap them, slip them a mickey, and artificially inseminate them!

Hey baby, what's your sign?

Isn't that what aliens do to lonely farmers they abduct from the X-Files? Just let them go! it's what they want! I don't see any of you trying to stop the lemmings! If lemmings are going to be allowed to kill themselves off en mass, why not pandas? Maybe instead of inseminating pandas against their will, we should be providing them with razor blades and blunt objects and encouraging them to ride skate boards without helmets!! Or are we going to suddenly come to our senses and start strapping air bags to all the lemmings and forcing them all to read "PlayRodent"?

What is wrong with these creatures? Die, pandas, die! Panda steaks, Koala Stew, and a side of Lemming McNuggets for everyone!!


So, I'm guessing by now that one or two of you (my entire readership!) are beginning to suspect that there's something slightly wrong with me. Now, while I certainly cannot refute that assertion, my wrongness is not manifested by my sudden desire to kill and eat as many cute but useless animals as possible. It just occurred to me that, if you're loud enough and forceful enough, you can convince yourself of the truth in ANY damn-fool idea. Take the Sons of Confederate Veterans, for example.

In a celebration of their "Southern Heritage", this noble group raised a 30-foot by 50-foot Confederate Battle Flag on a 139-foot flag pole in Hillsborough County, Florida.

Gigantic symbol of ignorance

Now, I'm not one to criticize (people who criticize suck!) but I'm not sure this idea is a First-Class ticket to peace and harmony. As a matter of fact, it appears to be causing a bit of a controversy. Imagine that.

The Sons of Confederate Veterans say the flag is simply an expression of their heritage:

A Tampa man is explaining his decision to hoist what some are calling "the world's largest confederate flag" on a lot next to a busy highway. Marion Lambert of Brandon, Florida said the flag is "the most recognizable southern symbol" and he will be using it "to focus attention on the heritage [and] the history" of the south.

Unfortunately, for most (educated) people in this day and age that flag merely symbolizes hatred, intolerance, discrimination, and ignorance. Now, if that's what they're going for, great! If the Sons of Confederate Veterans are trying to show how backward and pig-headed they can be, than a 1500 square-foot "Stars & Bars" is just the way to go.

But wait. This is what they hung up:


And they call it the "Confederate Flag". That's odd. That's not the flag of the Confederate States of America. And it never was! Here are the official flags of the CSA (click for larger image):

Flags of Our (loser) Fathers

The top one is the real "Stars & Bars" and was adopted specifically because it was reminiscent of our own "Stars & Stripes"! Honest!

So here we have these poor, lost souls, celebrating their heritage with a symbol that never stood for what they're celebrating. That flag they are so proud of was simply one of 180 different battle standards used by the Confederacy. It was ultimately the most popular, which is why it is part of the second and third flags, but not the whole thing.

No, that symbol by itself has come to represent hate, intolerance, and division. It's a reminder of how far we once sank, as a species, when we thought it was perfectly fine to consider another human"property". It's a symbol of the most callous kind of indifference and it should only be brought out to teach an object lesson about the potential for hate in our society. In fact if it must be displayed, it should be like this:

Gallows Humor

Artist John Sims, of Tallahassee, Florida calls this piece "The Proper Way To Hang A Confederate Flag". Oddly enough, the Sons of Confederate Veterans are upset and have protested its display as "offensive, objectionable and tasteless". Now isn't that interesting?


This is 2008 people. We can do micro surgery on our eyes with lasers and we can build machines out of individual molecules! The things we can do, and the ways we can improve people's lives are simply astounding! So why should we hold on to ancient symbols of hate and division? Why not concentrate more on symbols of love, happiness, kindness and hope?

Or you can come on down to the "Circle of Life Cafe" and have a big steaming bowl of Ignorance Soup on the house! And if you get any on you, have one of our napkins...

-Sage Words


Yarntangler said...

Many people believe that the Civil war was about slavery. It was about many issues that were over shadowed by that terrible shameful practice.
A good number of the men (and women) who fought for the Confederacy had no quarrel with the emancipation of the black people and in fact helped many of them to escape. They fought to protect their own lands and families.
They were not unlike young men and women in all countries who are called to serve and do their best to figure out why. As such they should receive the respect we show other fallen soldiers. But very few of them fought under that flag.
As for the Rebel flag it is ironic that it is the most popular symbol of a certain segment of the South. When it was first proposed as the Confederate national flag it was rejected because they thought it looked like a pair of crossed suspenders!
Symbols take on unexpected meanings. The most detested symbol of the past hundred years is the swastika. Ironically it is an ancient symbol that stood for strength and good luck until another group of ignorant bigots made it their own.

Alynn said...

They are just sheets with pigments imprinted into the fibers that show a particular pattern that may or may not please the eye.

Who cares?

It's the same as the N word, it's OK for one group to say it but not another? Either nobody can say it, or everyone can.

Oh, and I'm a member of PETA (People for the Eating of Tasty Animals). So, unless they are tasty, which we can currently not find out because it's illegal to do so, the current status of Panda and Koala "Untasted".

RC said...

All right, its many months later, but I am going to comment on the posts.
1. Not enough confederates spoke out against the institution of slavery and they chose their lot with the losing side - I do not feel sorry for them. The Civil War may not have been all about slavery, but it sure was a big enough issue to brake the camels back and be the one thing that set off the southern states to declare independence. Why does it matter? Because that symbol (the confederate flag) has been used to create fear and hate towards other fellow Americans. As such, in my opinion, it has no business being hung o any official government building. I would gladly burn it. -