Sunday, June 07, 2009

Wild Justiculations

Strangely enough, when I asked two of my fellow bloggers what kind of person they would like to see on the Supreme Court, I neglected to answer the question for myself. (If you don't know what I'm talking about, read my last entry, and check out Geezerguy and The Visionary's blogs for clarification.)

I suppose when it comes down to it, I would need to be sure the choice is trustworthy, fair, honest, modest and good at problem solving. That really only leaves two choices in my mind. E.T. or MacGyver.

"Here Come Da Judge!"

Now I know what you're thinking: "How can he forget about Bobbi McFarrin?"
It's a fair question, but I really think "Don't worry, be happy!" can only answer about 76% of constitutional questions. We have to get the other 21% from somewhere! (With 3% set aside for tax, title, and license.)

So, as you might have suspected, that leaves E.T. and MacGyver. Well, truth (the whole truth and nothing but the truth) be told, they are really the only two who live up to...

The Sage Words Guide To
Supreme Court Justice Appointments

(or: What Ever Happened to Judge Wapner?)

  • This one is easy. MacGyver would walk through a gymnasium full of 20 year old nudist female yoga instructors and never open his eyes for a SECOND if he promised not to before hand!
  • As for E.T., Eliot never hesitated to ride his bike through the air across the moon! Why not? Because he TRUSTED E.T., that's why!
  • E.T. saved Eliott, a flower, and anything else he could get his glowing little finger on! If the F.B.I. guys had gotten a bloody nose, E.T. would have picked it!
  • MacGyver must have disarmed 10,000 armed maniacs over the years, but he never used a gun himself! Heck, that takes "Fair" a step further into "Freakin' Crazy!". But it worked...
  • Dude. Right up front, E.T. was up front with his goals: "E.T. go home!" It doesn't get much more honest (honester?) than that!
  • MacGyver was not only brilliant, but he couldn't even lie to the bad guys! He TOLD them he was going to escape! He TOLD them he would build a catapult out of a cheese grater and an Ann Murray-autographed dancing shoe! And he still did it!
  • Okay, MacGyver saved the country 139 times (137 if you count the two-parters) and NEVER used that fame to get chicks! If that's not modest, I don't know what is!
  • As mentioned above, E.T. could resurrect plants and FREAKIN' FLY! But he never hit on Drew Barrymore and he even let Henry Thomas get in the last word despite being a complete doofus! Now that's being cool!
Good at Problem Solving:
  • E.T. talked to space with a Speak 'n' Spell. A Speak 'n' Spell. Seriously.
  • MacGyver. Uh, really? Do I really have to explain this? Dude.

So as you can see, on all the major points these candidates are both aces. But every nominee has to make it through confirmation hearings on Capitol Hill. Do they have any skeletons in their closets?

"Hi there! You got a sandwich?"

Let's see:

MacGyver's MacProblems:
  1. Gun Control. The republicans will have a field day with this issue! With all the guns he took away from bad guys over the years, to not ever use one makes some people a bit squeamish! What is he, some kind of commie?
  2. Budget issues. The government pays, on average, $203,583,373.91 for a paper clip and $2,475,192,379.24 for Super Glue. How the heck is he supposed to solve Constitutional Level problems when his two main weapons would drain what little money is left in the government?
E.T.: The Extraneous Testimony:
  1. Uh. He's an Illegal Alien. Problem.
  2. A bit of a flip-flopper. In the original book, he was crazy about M&M's, but once the movie was made he switched to Reeces Pieces just to make some cash! Seems like the issues are not as important to him as legislating Penut-Butter/Chocolatey goodness from the bench!

You know, Geezerguy has it right, I think. We really should have Justices who actually experience the Justice System first hand! Maybe someone who has actually tried a case or two rather than another Professor or lifetime Appeals Court Judge or (Heaven help us!) political ally! Maybe even a person with a little common sense for a change!

Or maybe...

The Jury Is Still Out On This Guy...

Nah! Just flip a coin!

-Sage Words

1 comment:

Yarntangler said...

My vote is for The Honorable Harry T. Stone. While seeming to take life a bit less seriously he was always able to make the intelligent decisions. Besides It might be good to have a few real magicians in DC! There are a few things that could stand vanishing there.