I Hath Wrote-eth Thy Blog-eth O Great One

Last night I dreamed that President-Elect Barack Obama called me up after reading my letter to him, and decided to make me his Blogger-Laureate.

I was actually less confused than you might think. This being 2008, it is only natural that we do away with the boring old Poet-Laureate position and create this position. Why would a hip, happenin' dude like Barack want to read some stuffy old poetry when he could read how to score major brownie points with Michelle on Valentine's Day (it's coming boys, get to work!), or study the economics of the Movie Exchange Rate?

So yeah, I think we do need a Blogger-Laureate position in this country. And come to think of it, I believe I may just be the right man for the job.

Now, if this were to actually come to pass, I suspect I would be the first ever Blogger-Laureate and as such, I believe it falls to me to define the position. After all, the first pilot got to make up the rules for his job (don't crash! Don't Crash! DON'T CRASH!!!) and that's working out pretty well (except when someone forgets that rule!). So I think I will do exactly that.

Now, in days of yore (your? you're?) the poet-laureate was employed by the crown (which is odd. You'd think the king would do the hiring and not his accessories, but I digress...) to ~ and this is the tough part ~ write poems. Now I know what you're thinking, "of course he writes poems, he's the POET LOAREATE!" Well, this wouldn't be the first government position to have a misleading name! Do you think the Secratary of State takes dictation? Or the Prime Minister presides over church services? I rest my case!

...hmm...lost my train of thought. Let me go back and re-read some of that, hold on...

(pilot doesn't want to crash...poet hired by crown...dictation...Ok, I got it.)

So the poet would write poetry. Not a lot, mind you, just enough to continue to amuse the King. And sometimes to amaze him! I believe the first dirty limerick was composed by a poet laureate, but I could be wrong. It may have been a poet leprechan. But, once more, I digress...

So the poet would write poetry and would be paid a stipend by the king. In 1638, Sir William Davenant was paid 300 British Pounds per year as the poet laureate. By my calculations, taking into account the exchange rate and the differing currency systems between 1638 and today, that works out to (without cost-of-living increases) approximately $915,283,084.42 per year. To show what a patriot I am, I'd be willing to do it for half that! God Bless America!

Anyway, let's just assume I've got the job, and that it will be at my patriotically-reduced rate. That's all well and good, but I need to define the work so now I give you:

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The Sage Words Guide for the Blogger-Laureate of the United States of America
(or: how to make a ton of moolah without all that pesky working)

Be it known by all: The position of the Poet-Laureate of the United States of America shall forthwith be eliminated in favor of the more socially relevant position of Blogger-Laureate of the United States of America, Keeper of Tangents, Purveyer of Prognistication, and Champion of Entendras (both double and single)!

Be it further known by all: The responsibilities of the Blogger-Laureate shall be as follows:

• The Blogger-Laureate of the United States of America (BLOTUSOA) shall serve at the pleasure of the President (whomever THAT is!) and receive the stipend of $457,641,542.21 per annum plus reasonable expenses (beer)
  
• The President shall grant the BLOTUSOA complete and dictatorial control over the editorial format and content of the Official Blog of the United States of America (OBOTUSOA), but the President can make suggestions
• The President shall communicate requests for blog topics to the BLOTUSOA thusly: President - "Dude, did you hear about that crazy Economic Downturn? That would be great for your blog!" OBOTUSOA - "Whatever!"
• The OBOTUSOA may blog from any National Monument he wants without catching a lot of crap from his readership (all seven of them)
• Further rules will be made up as required

Be it lastly known by all: The OBOTUSA is appointed for life or until he gets fed-up with it.

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It's funny. I spent all week posting lame blog entries and pictures and short apologies for my sloth-like work ethic, but President-Elect Obama still felt like he could trust me with this awesome responsibility! I promise, I'll work hard and be ever-tangental in an effort to retain his trust (and that paycheck!).

Heck, I might even write something useful again some day!



-Sage Words