The Tao of DethWombat

Holy Moley!

2009-12-06T22:44:00.001-07:00

I really need to post something here soon!

-Sage Words

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz................

2009-06-13T23:50:00.000-07:00

Ugh.

So tired.

Spent too much time in the garage, working on an enclosure for the cat box.

Still not done.

I'll post a picture when it's finished.

Thanks for the help, Geezerguy! It'll look great when it's done!

So tired.

-Sage Wordzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...................

Oh What A Tangled Web 2.0 We Weave...

2009-06-11T22:22:00.005-07:00

So now we're talking about language. {To find out what I mean by that statement, click *HERE* and try to follow along...}

I find it very interesting how the topic has morphed to the subject of the English Language considering that on June 10th the English Language added its one MILLIONTH word!

Oddly enough however, the one millionth word is not a word at all! It is "Web 2.0". Seriously, check out this link --> Web 2.0

A very simple explanation of Web 2.0

Now, "Web two dot oh" seems suspiciously like four words to me, but I'm not a mathmetician like this guy...

Attention: Math Is HARD!

(The above image, and some with carnivorous flowers [sweet!] can be found at Msr. Chelariu's website: http://www.serbanchelariu.com)

Still, at some point after nap time but before recess (Ferndale High School, Junior Year), I remember learning to count to four so I think I may be right about this one.

Come to think of it, there are a lot of "new words" in our language that are not exactly words:

N00b (# 999,998): Someone new, and sucky, at playing a particular game.
Carbon Neutral (#999,995): An Inconvenient tribute to Al Gore
Zombie Bank (#999,986): A bank that would be dead if not for a government bailout

For the record:

N00b is two letters and two numbers! Perhaps it should be pronounced "Nzerozerob" or "Ndoubleoughtb"! Spell it "n-o-o-b" and maybe we can talk!
Carbon Neutral is just two words, one right after the other! Like this.
Zombie Bank is also two consecutive words, but one of them is "zombie" so it's at least a little cool. As long as George Romero gets a cut.

Now I'm all for expanding the language, but one TV commentator (useless Talking Head!) decried our habit of simply appropriating words from other languages into our own (taco, domo arrigato, Mr. Roboto, farfegnuggan, etc.) which for some reason got my Chica's goat! She was particularly animated on the topic and said (rather loudly and with just a touch more righteous indignation than I thought was absolutely necessary) that if we didn't absorb words like that, English would die off like Latin did! (She had many reasons for that opinion which I am not bright enough to present here, so I'll just ask you to encourage her to spell it all out for you in a comment at the end of this post! Thanks!)

So what do we do? I actually like stealing words form other languages, as Chica does. Mind you, I only do it to produce the illusion of intelligence, whereas Chica does it because she actually knows what the words mean. (She's so zapato!)

But I also firmly believe we should continue to make new words, just with an eye towards making a little sense! Here are a few good ones that have only come into the lexicon recently:

Staycation: To take time off, but not go anywhere in order to save money. What do you say to someone when they leave for their staycation? "Non-Voyage!"
Recessionista: A person who wants to be trendy without spending much money. We can thank them for the sudden resurgance of wool-topped boots and capri pants. Jerks.
Spyware: Programs that collect data on you without your knowledge as you work on your computer. Hopefully the spyware authors are listening right now as I call them A BUNCH OF WORTHLESS TURDS!!!!!
Frick: An excellent, and FCC-Approved version of a nasty word your mom would wash your mouth out for saying! It's Frickin' great!
Japanamation: A specific style of animation imported from Japan. Also called Manga, or "Those cartoons with the kids with the really big eyes who can all jump, like, a hundred feet and can only make an 'O' shape with their mouths".
Stalkerazzi: The scummiest of photographers who set up in Tina Fey's apple tree for seven days at a time living on Slim Jim's and Monster energy drinks praying she'll bend over in front of her window so they can sell a picture of her butt! Then they run her off the road on the way to work so they can take pictures of her "horrible accident". Scumbags!
Blog: This thing! Right here! You're reading one! (Sadly, "blog" is still struggling for acceptance as a word as it is not included in many spellcheck dictionaries. For more on this topic, go waaaaaayyyyy back *HERE*.

Of course, some of these words may find themselves abandoned in time, but the good ones will be with us for awhile. In 1806, the following words were new to the dictionary (click *HERE* for proof!):

Americanize
Whisky
Nutrient
Immigrant
And the ever-popular: deliquesce

Words. I love words! Heck, I've even named myself after them! So I say let's get cracking on the next million words! I'll start us off!

Progring: The inevitable progression of a conversation among two or more bloggers, as it is followed by the unfortunate family members of said bloggers who are emotionally trapped into reading their meaningless drivel.

- Sage Words

This Blood's For You!

2009-06-09T23:30:00.004-07:00

Wow. So now it's the world of High Finance that we're on about, eh? I suppose that makes sense, considering how we got here.

If it doesn't make sense to you, go back to my first post of the month and then follow along from there to Geezerguy's blog, and so on...

==========================

Interesting thing, High Finance. It's entirely relative. I remember when I was a kid and High Finance to me was fifty cents! For Lone Duck, Jugglesourcerer and I, we would go a long way for a few coins of the realm, I can tell you that!

One of the best things ever invented (as far as we were concerned) was the returnable bottle. You could literally find a bottle on the street and, if it wasn't broken, you could get a nickel for it! That's like, five cents!

Won't you lay your money down?

One day, we came across a serious score. It was a huge beer bottle and we figured we could maybe get a dime for it! The thing is, we didn't want to take it to the grocery store where we took all the other bottles we found. As it was a beer bottle, I guess we figured it should go to a liquor store. Lone Duck was, as the oldest, pretty much in charge of the expedition, so I figure he was the one who set us off across the undeveloped scrub land near where we lived in El Paso, Texas at the time.

Now a side note about El Paso. Being in the desert, it was common for there to be drainage culverts with cement sides strategically built to redirect flash flood waters. They looked like this...

Naturally, the one we came across that day was not full of water, nor was there any vegetation around it. It was just this dry ditch.

Now, it was my habit at the time to take full advantage of these things whenever I saw them to pretend to be Spider-Man (as any normal person would!). I'd get down on my hands and feet, crawl around, and pretend to shoot webs at anything that moved!

So as I said, we came across one of these ditches on this particular day. Sadly, I neglected to put down the beer bottle before launching into my normal arachno-style routine, and promptly broke the bottle. This was distressing.

What was more distressing was the gaping wound I ended up with at the base of my thumb! I was bleeding like I could not remember ever bleeding before! (I had seen Jugglesourcerer bleed worse, but HIS crazy klutzy E.R. capers are fodder for future blogs, not this one!) My hand was rapidly covered in blood and I was more than likely going to die from it (as far as I was concerned!).

This, however, is where Lone Duck took his leadership role to heart and came through for his little brother (sort of)!

Okay, so at the time, I was no older than six or seven, which would put Lone Duck, the oldest, at no more than 10, with Jugglesourcerer in the middle somewhere. Considering our ages, Duck's actions were spot on!

As a Cub Scout, he knew he needed to stop the bleeding. As an avid watcher of "Emergency!" we all knew I needed a bandage. Duck had me hold my hand with my other hand and we rushed to what turned out to be a nearby construction site to look for a First-Aid kit. Not finding one, Duck improvised exceptionally well despite the fact that MacGyver wasn't even thought of yet! He pack some soft stuff he found around the cut and wrapped the whole mess in duct (Lone Duck?) tape. It stopped the bleeding and we got home without further mishap. Lone Duck was my clear hero that day.

Later, as the E.R. nurse was picking the individual strands of fiberglass insulation out of my wound with a pair of tweezers, and piling them in a bowl for disposal, I had occasion to reassess Lone Duck's greatness between the sobs and screams of pain. I came to the conclusion in my tiny little mind that he was a bad person for doing that to me, so I decided to hate him, as all kids that age would. But as I look on it now, I think I'l re-elevate The Lone Duck to hero status. I may have been in pain, but he did what needed to be done to take care of his kid brother! If he didn't know what the pink soft fuzzy stuff was, at least he had found SOMETHING to help me with! Thanks Duck!

Besides, I also got this cool scar out of it...

You'll also note, I still have my affinity for Spider-Man!

==========================

So as you can see, I have engaged in the pursuit of High Finance myself, and learned a valuable lesson which is this:

"Whenever you find yourself traveling through scrubland in El Paso, Texas with your brothers on your way to recycle an old beer bottle in the hopes of getting a whole DIME out of it and you come across a cement drainage ditch and ecide to play Spider-Man and break the bottle and cut up your hand and end up having it wrapped in fiber glass and duct tape remember this: YOU CAN'T RECYCLE THE BROWN BOTTLES YOU TWIT!"

Dang.

-Sage Words

Wild Justiculations

2009-06-07T19:40:00.012-07:00

Strangely enough, when I asked two of my fellow bloggers what kind of person they would like to see on the Supreme Court, I neglected to answer the question for myself. (If you don't know what I'm talking about, read my last entry, and check out Geezerguy and The Visionary's blogs for clarification.)

I suppose when it comes down to it, I would need to be sure the choice is trustworthy, fair, honest, modest and good at problem solving. That really only leaves two choices in my mind. E.T. or MacGyver.

"Here Come Da Judge!"

Now I know what you're thinking: "How can he forget about Bobbi McFarrin?"
It's a fair question, but I really think "Don't worry, be happy!" can only answer about 76% of constitutional questions. We have to get the other 21% from somewhere! (With 3% set aside for tax, title, and license.)

So, as you might have suspected, that leaves E.T. and MacGyver. Well, truth (the whole truth and nothing but the truth) be told, they are really the only two who live up to...

The Sage Words Guide To
Supreme Court Justice Appointments
(or: What Ever Happened to Judge Wapner?)

Trustworthy:

This one is easy. MacGyver would walk through a gymnasium full of 20 year old nudist female yoga instructors and never open his eyes for a SECOND if he promised not to before hand!
As for E.T., Eliot never hesitated to ride his bike through the air across the moon! Why not? Because he TRUSTED E.T., that's why!

Fair:

E.T. saved Eliott, a flower, and anything else he could get his glowing little finger on! If the F.B.I. guys had gotten a bloody nose, E.T. would have picked it!
MacGyver must have disarmed 10,000 armed maniacs over the years, but he never used a gun himself! Heck, that takes "Fair" a step further into "Freakin' Crazy!". But it worked...

Honest:

Dude. Right up front, E.T. was up front with his goals: "E.T. go home!" It doesn't get much more honest (honester?) than that!
MacGyver was not only brilliant, but he couldn't even lie to the bad guys! He TOLD them he was going to escape! He TOLD them he would build a catapult out of a cheese grater and an Ann Murray-autographed dancing shoe! And he still did it!

Modest:

Okay, MacGyver saved the country 139 times (137 if you count the two-parters) and NEVER used that fame to get chicks! If that's not modest, I don't know what is!
As mentioned above, E.T. could resurrect plants and FREAKIN' FLY! But he never hit on Drew Barrymore and he even let Henry Thomas get in the last word despite being a complete doofus! Now that's being cool!

Good at Problem Solving:

E.T. talked to space with a Speak 'n' Spell. A Speak 'n' Spell. Seriously.
MacGyver. Uh, really? Do I really have to explain this? Dude.

~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~~_~_~_~

So as you can see, on all the major points these candidates are both aces. But every nominee has to make it through confirmation hearings on Capitol Hill. Do they have any skeletons in their closets?

"Hi there! You got a sandwich?"

Let's see:

MacGyver's MacProblems:

Gun Control. The republicans will have a field day with this issue! With all the guns he took away from bad guys over the years, to not ever use one makes some people a bit squeamish! What is he, some kind of commie?
Budget issues. The government pays, on average, $203,583,373.91 for a paper clip and $2,475,192,379.24 for Super Glue. How the heck is he supposed to solve Constitutional Level problems when his two main weapons would drain what little money is left in the government?

E.T.: The Extraneous Testimony:

Uh. He's an Illegal Alien. Problem.
A bit of a flip-flopper. In the original book, he was crazy about M&M's, but once the movie was made he switched to Reeces Pieces just to make some cash! Seems like the issues are not as important to him as legislating Penut-Butter/Chocolatey goodness from the bench!

~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~~_~_~_~

You know, Geezerguy has it right, I think. We really should have Justices who actually experience the Justice System first hand! Maybe someone who has actually tried a case or two rather than another Professor or lifetime Appeals Court Judge or (Heaven help us!) political ally! Maybe even a person with a little common sense for a change!

Or maybe...

The Jury Is Still Out On This Guy...

Nah! Just flip a coin!

-Sage Words

I Bet Brando Never Had This Much Fun...

2009-06-05T21:18:00.005-07:00

Unbelievable. Only in California could you find some idiot using the law to try to stop someone else from pursuing a moral lifestyle!

In case you are a little confused, try reading all about it HERE and then catch up on this apparently expanding conversation on Geezerguy and The Visionary's blogs...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mind you, it's a good idea there's none of that nonsense going on here in the Midwest or Chica and I might have been interrupted as we celebrated the birth of our newest Godson, Johnathan!

This little guy was born at 0215 today, 5 june 2009 weighing in at a hefty 9 pounds 11 ounces and 21 1/2 inches long! He's huge!

Very few of the Newborn things his Mom and Dad got for him actually fit! They were all too small!

Now, The Visionary has some recent experience with a newborn, and Geezerguy has done it four times! Naturally, they both understand how taxing day one can be, so I'm going to call it for now, but I will leave my conversational cohorts with this quesstion:

If you were picking the next Supreme Court Justice, what type of person would you want? We'll see tomorrow!

-Sage Words

He Said, He Said...

2009-06-03T20:43:00.006-07:00

For those of you who are shocked by the existence of two blog entries in three days, let me explain what's going on here. My intrepid father (Geezerguy) and I have decided to converse in a public fashion. Not because we feel it would be particularly amusing for our many (4.3) combined fans, but because it is amusing to us.

Come to think of it, much of my philosophy of the rest of the world existing largely for my personal amusement comes from my Dad. (Sadly, he feels the world exists for HIS personal amusement, but he's CLEARLY wrong!)

So anyway, the conversation is going to take place throughout the month of June, with the two of us alternating days. Today is my turn. Check out my previous entry and Geezerguy's response to get caught up. I'll wait...

++++++++++++++++++++++

Actually, I think about The Time Machine quite a lot. Not to mention Back to The Future, and any number of Star Trek episodes dealing with time travel and I can't help but think that the massive, vast, Earth-Shaking power of time travel should really be left to us (Me and Geezerguy). Here are the two most important things I think we can do with the power of time travel:

1. Travel back to just before George Lucas had the idea for Jar Jar Binks, and smack him with a dead fish.
2. Find out what really happened to Michael Jackson's nose

Once we've done that, I think the rest of the world should be able to sort itself out without much assistance.

- Sage Words

And So The Conversation Turned...

2009-06-01T20:33:00.013-07:00

It is a Universal Truth that all ideas are "Great Idea!" ideas; at least until you try to put them into practice. Look at the Leaning Tower of Pisa, for example:

Vast Left-Wing Conspiracy

What most people don't know about this now-famous structure is that it was originally intended to lean the other way! The plans were intercepted by budding Socialists and REVERSED so it would lean LEFT instead of RIGHT! Those FIENDS!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

This is precisely the type of point that is typically made whenever I get into a conversation with my dear old dad, Geezerguy.

And the thing is, within the context of one of these conversations, it's a valid point! But the liberal agenda of the builders of the Leaning Tower of Pisa are not the topic of today's discussion. Instead, I'd like to share with you one of those "Great Idea!" ideas.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Geezerguy is not only the provider of half of my DNA (not that half, the other half!) but he is also a fellow blogger. Truth be told, he has been considerably more prolific at the old blog than I have been lately (the Leaning Tower itself has been more prolific than me lately!) . You can read all about his adventures at Observations from a Rolling Home, and you may just want to go ahead and do that for a while!

You see, this is where our "Great Idea!" comes into play. Geezerguy and I enjoy these conversations so much (even the ones without Italian landmarks) we though it would be fun to try to have one on the Interwebs. So for the entire month of June, The Old Man and I are going to converse. I'm beginning the conversation tonight, and he will continue with his comments tomorrow and we will alternate days like that up until the end.

Now I know what you're thinking: "But Sage, old buddy, June has an even number of days, so Geezerguy is guaranteed to have the last word!" (Admit it, that's what you were thinking!)

Perhaps. Perhaps not! Maybe I have a trick up my sleeve! I guess we'll all just have to wait and see!

Bwaa Haa Haa!!!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

ACTUAL CONVERSATION FOLLOWS:

Okay, here's the thing. It's like we're all mindless sheep waiting for the shearer to come by and make us all naked! We take no responsibility for our own actions, nor do we pay even lip service to good taste or propriety! I am speaking, of course, about the so called "Network News"!

When is the last time you heard one of these monkey-brained talking heads say something that was simultaneously "not horrible" and "not stupid"? Seriously!

There was a story a few months ago about "Joe the Plumber". It seems that, after being investigated and destroyed by the media for not having an actual Plumber's License (Really, Joe? No license? That's bush league, dude!), Mister the Plumber decided to seek an alternate means of employment.

However, his only experience was in the thing he was not licensed to do! He had to find work quick, so he took the only job he could that would accept the fact that he had no experience, no training, no skill, no natural talent, and little visible interest.

He became a commentator.

That's right! Joe the Plumber went from unlicensed plumbing to commentating from ISRAEL on the conflict between Israel and Hamas! Seriously! For an outfit called Pajamas TV(!). But wait, there's more!

The Talking Heads on the networks (I'm talking to YOU Shepard Smith!) had the temerity to be ANGRY!

NOT Edward R. Murrow

They got angry! That KILLS me! There is not a single one of those talking heads working today that can be considered a journalist! They are all mindless Mouth-on-a-Stick dullards with delusions of adequacy, and they're mad at Joe the Plumber for doing the same job they do only without a degree in journalism? Unbelievable!

Look, I'm not saying Joe the Plumber was as pure as the driven snow, but he brings something to the table that all the Charles Gibsons and Nacy Grace's of the world will never have. Perspective. He's not so in love with the sound of his own voice that he would begrudge another person trying to make an honest living.

So we're all mindless sheep (But you are NOT the Shepherd, Shepard!). We still tune in night after night to watch these characatures of wooden people with wooden faces and wooden personalities read teleprompters at us and pretend to laugh just after it's appropriate to do so. We just seem glued to that screen, watching these network Pod People as they pretend to care about things they don't understand.

The Fox News Crew

It's kind of sad, actually. What do you say, Geezerguy?

(Head over to http://geezerguy-rollinghome.blogspot.com/ tomorrow to find out what he thinks!)

-Sage Words

George & Weezie Know What I'm Talking About

2009-05-14T21:48:00.001-07:00

Today, I got one of these...

...'Nuff said!

-Sage Words

Nothing Rhymes With "Orange"!

2009-04-04T20:13:00.006-07:00

----- ======= -----

Today I attempt

A brand new form of blogging

Strictly bad poems.

----- ======= -----

A haiku to start

Count the syllables by line

Five, seven, and five

----- ======= -----

These rules are rigid

With no room to deviate

Always just the same

~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~ )))) (((( ~~~~~~~~

Then a limerick will come along next

But its format is not too complex

First you write up two lines,

With the fifth they must rhyme

But make lines three and four match up best!

~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~ )))) (((( ~~~~~~~~

Mind you this can be just a bit quirky

Limericks normally come out quite dirty

But I'll try not to swear

Or bespeak underwear

And ideally you won't wish to hurt me!

>< >< >< >< >< >< >< >< >< >< >< >< >< ><

Then suddenly, like the grinding of mental gears

as a paradigm is shifted without a clutch

A switch

To absurdest analogy!

>< >< >< >< >< >< >< >< >< >< >< >< >< ><

Structure, like confetti prematurely dropped after a Steppenwolf concert

is thrown to the wind!

Our emphasis now moves

to drama!

>< >< >< >< >< >< >< >< >< >< >< >< >< ><

Two things compared, like as in a twisted mirror

their relationship tenuous at best

but presented anyway

for effect!

@ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @

Then finally, I think we'll see

My final type of verse!

A simple rhyme, to waste your time

(Maybe I should have done this one first!)

@ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @

Two rhymes within, line one begin

This poem's simple frame

Then two again, before the end

Hope the last line isn't lame!

----- ======= -----

Now I must begin

Actual content comes next

Talk about my day

----- ======= -----

First I woke up late

Concerned about all my plans

Then thought, "I have none!"

----- ======= -----

Made a short phone call

Reassuring a young friend

Who has a hard life

~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~ )))) (((( ~~~~~~~~

Then I went to a baby shower next

Lots of women discussing their breasts

And the way they can leak

When a baby does feast

And their bras tend to keep them all vexed!

~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~ )))) (((( ~~~~~~~~

Now I know what you're thinking this time!

"I guess Sage Words was out of his mind!"

Without Chica he went

To hear new mothers vent

About bodily fluids they whine!

~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~ )))) (((( ~~~~~~~~

But I had to lend moral support

To the father, alone with this court

Leave my good buddy Scott

Alone? I could not!

So I went there (But I kept it short!)

>< >< >< >< >< >< >< >< >< >< >< >< >< ><

After leaving there, like a monkey from a fancy dress ball

I proceeded to a used book store

But with Chica out of town,

depressing!

>< >< >< >< >< >< >< >< >< >< >< >< >< ><

Nonetheless I gathered my strength, and like a rhino preparing for a ballet solo

I shopped around for used books and DVD's

finding solace finally

in digital films!

>< >< >< >< >< >< >< >< >< >< >< >< >< ><

Checking out I was surprised, like a Winnebago suddenly lined up at a drag strip

I had won a twice daily random prize!

My $14.00 purchase

Now FREE!

@ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @

So now it seems, my movie dreams

Have finally come true!

It cost me ZIP, for two great flicks!

"Jason Bourne" and "The Accused"!

@ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @

Now I'm back home (I guess you know)

My day is now complete!

And in a fog I thought, "my blog"

Could use a little treat!

~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~ )))) (((( ~~~~~~~~

So the poetry popped into mind

As a cool thing to try out this time

Though it's been kind of tough

I think you've had enough

So I'll make this the very last line!

-Sage Words

Promotional Consideration...

2009-03-14T09:00:00.004-07:00

Today, I'm trying a little experiment in viral marketing. I'm going to a "Festival of Books" today (many books are festive, so it stands to reason they would eventually have their own festival!) and I expect to see a lot of writers and editors and others in the industry.

Now, as much as I like to think of myself as "A Writer," it turns out that you have to actually write occasionally to be looked at that way by others! As you can imagine, this came as quite a shock to me.

So, in an effort to boost my readership (double-digits, here I come!) and therefore, possibly encourage myself to be more productive, I've decided to try some self-promotion.

Now, I'm not talking about the kind of self-promotion I usually engage in (HEY JERKFACE! As a matter of fact, I DO own the road!). No, this time I'm going to try something subtle.

I've made up exactly twenty business-card teasers. They have the name of the blog (the tao of dethwombat for those of you who have forgotten), the Internet address, and my name. Some of these will be handed to people unfortunate enough to get sucked in to a conversation with me. Others will be strategically placed in locations where they are likely to be seen by passers-by. Still others may get planted on people without their knowledge (depending on police presence!). But the whole point of the exercise is to see if something odd and subtle like that will attract new readers.

If you've come here because you found or saw a little card with a picture of a wombat crossing sign on it, please be kind enough to leave me a comment. I also invite you to peruse the rest of my eclectic little pile of musings (I was especially funny back in February of '07!), and feel free to comment on any of them as well. Finally, you are welcome to make suggestions of other things you'd like to see me write about. As any of my long-time readers (both of them) will attest, I always welcome suggestions! Heck, I even acted on one once!

So if you're new, welcome to my little corner of the Interwebs! And if you're a returning reader, I PROMISE I'll start working on those challenge articles soon!

-Sage Words

Massive Historicalness

2009-01-20T19:45:00.002-07:00

“Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country!” (Ancient Chinese proverb)

“That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for Mankind” (Elvis Presley, Jailhouse Rock)

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself!” (Joe Rogan, Host of FearFactor)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There have been times when, despite our best efforts to remain ignorant or foolish or just generally stupid, history has had the bad manners to intrude on our wallowing; insinuating itself into our self-definition and badly formed identity until we’ve had no choice but to consider the possibility that maybe, just maybe, we don’t deserve to be eaten by giant space-rabbits with cosmic-grade bad breath.

Today was one of those days.

Today, somewhere around two million people went to Washington D.C. to see our 44th president sworn in. They spent hour after hour in freezing temperatures waiting for HISTORY to play itself out before their very eyes. (Never mind the fact that 1,999,000 of them were too far away to really make anything out; never mind the fact that 1,999,000 of them would only be able to hear a portion of the speeches and have to make up for it later by reading transcripts on the Internet; they were THERE!)

They were there to see a man completely unknown on the national stage five years ago ascend to the most difficult and demanding seat of mortal (and moral!) responsibility in the entirety of human history!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Notice I didn’t say “power” but rather, “responsibility”. I say it that way because, despite the trappings of “power” that surround the office of the Presidency--the White House, the limo, Marine One, Air Force One, the Oval Office itself--it is less an office and more a mantle of expectation and responsibility. It’s a mantle that has been known to crush its wearer (Nixon, Taft, That guy from “24”!) and lift him to immortality (Lincoln, Kennedy, Harrison Ford!). It is a mantle that, once worn, can never be removed while the President is still in office. And it will take the measure of its owner.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

President Barack Obama is now the 44th wearer of that mantle. He will be called upon every day to be worthy of its grandeur and tend to its needs, and the weight of that mantle upon his shoulders will be ever-dependent on how he wears it.

If the mantle is flaunted; waved in the faces of friends and foes alike, it becomes heavier and heavier. It becomes a burden so great; it cannot be waved and fluttered any more! This is by design.

But if the mantle is allowed to rest lightly; indeed if it is made secondary to the tasks for which it stands, it becomes ever more beautiful. Ever more effervescent. Ever more a symbol of the selfless nature our Founding Fathers intended it to represent!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Today, history was made. A man who, twenty years ago (or perhaps as little as twenty days ago) would have had trouble hailing a cab in almost any major American City, became our President. But he is not the one who made history. We are.

God Bless America!

-Sage Words

"OLD WOMAN!" [ MAN! ] "MAN! SORRY..."

2009-01-06T21:39:00.010-07:00

"I'm 37."

"What?"

"I'm 37, I'm not OLD!"

"Well, I can't just call you man!"

"You could try calling me Sage Words!"

"I didn't know you were called Sage Words!"

"You didn't bother to find out, did you? What I object to is; you automatically treat me like an inferior!"

"Well I am King..."

"Oh, 'King' eh? Very nice! And 'ow'd you get that then? By exploiting the workers! By 'angin' on to outdated, imperialist dogma, which perpetuates the social and economic differences in our society! If there's ever going to be any progress..."

There's some lovely filth down here!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm 37. And although the great and wise Michael Palin insists that that is not old, I must admit to the occasional feeling of aged-ness. I believe Indiana Jones said it best when he said, "It's not the years, it's the mileage!" Then he got ka-schwacked by that big mirror...

Did you say something?

Still, mileage or not, old or not, the fact remains that I am now 37!

Now, 37 is not a normal milestone. For example: 15 years is the crystal anniversary, 25 years is the silver anniversary, 50 years is the golden anniversary, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera... but 37 is nothing. At least until now.

For our purposes today, I am naming the 37th anniversary after something very near to my heart. Partially hydrogenated vegetable oil. So from now on, the 37th anniversary of anything; a birth, marriage, discovery of a new planet that was just hiding behind Jupiter all this time, whatever, shall be called the Partially Hydrogenated Vegetable Oil Anniversary! Talk about some lovely filth!

So how are we to celebrate the Partially Hydrogenated Vegetable Oil Anniversary of my birth? Well, I suppose I could go into some sort of explanation as to why Partially Hydrogenated Vegetable Oil is so close to my heart, but I take Ezetimibe/Simvastatin every day to deal with that, so let's skip it for now.

No, I think, in honor of my 37th birthday, I'll give you...

The Sage Words Archive of Ten Interesting Things I (Mostly) Remember With Some Degree of Clarity

(or: Gee, much of my life seemed to make some sort of sense at the time...)

Dude, Mom Knew The Whole Time -- When I was in High School, I (allegedly) experimented with certain beverages which may or may not have been provided by friends who, for obvious reasons, shall be referred to only as "Bartyls" and "James". These experiments (purely scientific, I assure you) were intended only to establish a baseline for comparison with complete sobriety. There is still a small part of me that believes that my Mom was unaware of these scientific experiments, but that part of me has been drinking and is, therefore, unreliable.
Dude, I've Got An Idea! (Part I) -- I was once involved in an Independence Day celebration that resulted in a blown up truck, a six foot crater, several minor burns, and a temporary, short term legend in a small town. In retrospect, I think we should have asked around to see if anyone had a video camera first. Good times.
Dude, I Can NOT Drink Another Cup! -- In preparation for a medical procedure, I once spent a week on a diet of clear liquids only. Bullion, coffee, apple juice...after three days of only these for sustenance, remember this: If you suspect you may be flatulent, odds are very good that you are wrong!
Dude, where's my car? -- One 7th (perhaps the "Pez" Anniversary?) grade morning, my Mom asked me to go start the car to get it warmed up before she drove my little brother and me to school. Sadly, the parking brake was non-functional and Dad had left the car in gear so it wouldn't roll away. As it turns out, if you turn the key in a vehicle left thusly, and put the gas pedal to the floor like you've seen Mom and Dad do so many times before, but don't push any other pedals anywhere, the car will begin to move, forcing you to steer it into the neighbor's yard. A car with a standard transmission, it appears, has a clutch for a reason!
Dude, Dad Is Going To Be SO Pissed! -- My father is the most generous, hard working man I know. In High School, he gave me his 1978 Dodge Colt (with a blown head gasket!) so I could have a project car for Auto-Shop. My first project on the car, just so I could get the hang of working on them, was to remove and rebuild the carburetor. Among car enthusiasts, this is commonly known as the third simplest thing you can do with an engine (the first two are: Look At It, and Leave It Alone). Once I disassembled it I reasoned (quite wrongly, as it turns out) that if soaking the parts in engine cleaner for one hour was good, doing it overnight would be that much better! Now you know why I'm into computers, and why that car never moved under its own power again.
Dude, We Should Totally Join The Army! -- My friend Skippy and I decided to join the Army on the "Buddy System" not long after High School. This would have allowed us to go to Boot-Camp together, go to Technical School together, and even go to our first duty station together! (We tried to get our friend D.S. to join too, but he wouldn't cut his James Hetfield hair and mustache!) Due to circumstances beyond my control, I had to back out, but Skippy went through with it! He marched off to Boot-Camp and was promptly marched right back out again when they diagnosed him with flat feet! So now Skippy has a good job, a wonderful family and is quite happy with his flat feet! D.S. also has a good job and wonderful family and by now has cut his hair (as has Hetfield!) while I went back to the recruiters and ended up in the Air Force (sixteen years and counting!) with a beautiful wife (fourteen years and counting!) but somehow, through it all, we're still "Buddies"! I love those guys!
Dude, I Am STYLIN'!!! -- My first date with Chica. I was nervous, weak-kneed and surprised she had said "yes" in the first place! I borrowed my friend Brad's car and made reservations at a nice (as far as I knew) Italian restaurant. The fact that this place did not strictly require reservations did nothing to dampen my desire to look my best, so I put on my most stylish outfit: White slacks. Black shoes. Burgundy button-down shirt with a white faux-collar. Gold(-ish) chain..."Every girl's crazy 'bout a sharp-dressed man!" And yet, still she married me! What a peach!
Dude, I've Got An Idea! (Part II) -- In Cheyenne, Wyoming, somewhere near East Ninth Street, is a park. This park has (or possibly had, it's been awhile) a relatively long stretch of downward sloping sidewalk. During one of my many misspent childhood days when I was in the neighborhood of 13 ("Oxyclean" Anniversary, anyone?) years old, I and one or more of my misspent friends (or possibly brothers, I'm not certain) discovered some construction materials just laying around (as far as you know!). In short order, we had acquired two concrete-filled cinder-blocks and a curiously white board about six feet long and two feet wide, from which we fashioned a ramp at the end of this excellent sidewalk (runway!). After a short, but savage battle of wills, I was selected to be the first to try out our new ramp and took off on my bike. As I approached the ramp (and ludicrous speed!) at the end of the long run, I learned three interesting facts: (a) That curious looking white wood is called DRYWALL and has the same approximate tensile strength as flan. (b) A pair of cinder-blocks filled with concrete have little to no desire to move the slightest bit at the behest of a scrawny 13-year-old boy on a speeding bike. And (c) At the age of thirteen, I could (briefly) fly every bit as well as Superman. I just couldn't land very well.
Dude, Is That An Electric Fence? -- Growing up, we had the greatest dog in the whole world with the smallest brain. His name was Adonis and he was part mongrel, part mutt, part unidentifiable terrier-like breed, and all AWESOME! But again, not brilliant. Now don't get me wrong; he could fetch (not on command, but I did see him carry sticks around sometimes), he could roll over (as long as a flatulent skunk had recently vomited on his chosen spot), and he could shake (actually, it was more like nervously twitching his paw at you, and only if you had a bag of M&M's!); but he was really just too cool for any of those stupid tricks anyway! Now, one other thing he had was the tail of a terrier. You know the ones, they go up and arch over the back, ultimately pointing forward like a little crescent moon growing out of his butt. Well, this particular tail had recently had its tip caught in a screen door, pulling all the hair out and scraping up the skin something fierce. Naturally, it was fairly raw and annoying for the poor little guy if he touched it against anything. So imagine his distress on the day when, as he and I were out walking near the electric fence that kept in the neighbor's cows, that raw and sensitive tail-tip accidentally came in contact with the fence just as an electric pulse was shooting through it! Adonis was so startled and angry he did an immediate about-face and bit out at whatever it was that had stung him! Uh...yeah. Just as another electric pulse went through the fence...while he was biting it...which scared and hurt him and caused him to rear back away from it...without...uh...opening his mouth. Needless to say, this did not end well for Adonis. Oh, he didn't die! He lived several more years (and when he finally passed, in a quiet and utterly non-traumatic way, I believe he was happy!). But he did have a gnarled little ball of scar-tissue on the tip of his tail and two less teeth in the front of his mouth! Our whole family loved him with all our hearts and we each still miss him from time to time.
Dude, I've Got An Idea! (Part III) -- For awhile, we had a burn-barrel next to the house. It was an old, rusted 55 gallon barrel and we used it to burn old branches and leaves. Or rather, we were supposed to! Okay, so I may have dumped a couple of bags of trash in there, and I may have decided (with Skippy's help!) to set it all on fire one drizzly day in Washington State, and I may have gotten impatient with trying to light the paper and I may have poured a couple of splashes of gas from the mower's can in there to help it along but I totally did not mean for it to explode just as I was looking in to see if the match I had just tossed had gone out and I certainly did not intend for my hat to be blown onto the roof, or for my eyebrows to be burned off, or for the long piece of burning toilet paper to go flying into the air, but you have to admit that it was COOL when the fire consuming the toilet paper began burning at the exact same rate as the TP was falling so it looked like it was just descending into a perfectly level line of fire floating stationary in the air about seventeen feet off the ground! Well. Maybe you don't have to admit that. Mom didn't.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have memories more valuable to me than any treasure.

I've dressed like a sailor and danced with another guy dressed as a sailor to raise money for charity. I've held a grieving friend in my arms as she tried to let go of her marriage to an abusive husband. I've stood proudly on the altar to promise a lifetime of spiritual guidance to my Godson.

All of these things I cherish, even the embarrassing ones, and when I sit and think about these memories and more, I'm energized! I can't wait to see what's next and to start experiencing the things that I'll reminisce about when I'm 47! or 57!

I'm 37!

I'm not OLD!

-Sage Words

I Hate Those Cursed Decepta-Siths!

2008-11-30T22:13:00.010-07:00

Personally, I blame Darth Vader and Megatron. After all, they have both spent the majority of their lives actively trying to mess things up for others!

I mean, just look at these evil freaks...

Have you ever seen a pair of freedom-hating scuzzballs as nasty as them? It's obvious just by looking at their manufactured mugs of malfeasance that they would happily take a can-opener to their own mothers just to thwart a random, helpless, and perfectly innocent blogger like (just to name one COMPLETELY at random) me!

#####################

As you, my loyal readership have certainly noticed by now, I am nothing if not utterly and completely devoted to providing you all with your daily dose of Sage Words; so it would HAVE to be an insidious outside force acting upon my unwilling person that would cause me to miss yesterday's blog, and NOT my own propensity to be distracted by shiny objects and new toys!

So here's the skinny:

Back at the beginning of November, I decided to participate in NaBloPoMo, at the behest of Yarntangler and Geezerguy. After a few days of actually posting here every day (instead of my normal "whenever the heck I feel like it") I found out that NaBloPoMo actually stands for something! So I looked it up.

As it turns out, NaBloPoMo means National Blog Posting Month. It was started as a joke by a wonderfully talented writer (the preceeding is a shameless attempt at sychophancy. If you do not have a strong enough stomach for that sort of thing, please accept my apologies for the nausia and the dry cleaning bill) named Eden Mariott Kennedy who writes her own blog called Fussy which I find quite amusing. I suggest you check it out.

NaBloPoMo is essentially an exercize in writing discipline. Now as my close friends and family will all attest to, I am nothing if not in desprate need of dicipline, (I once put two milk cartons with pinholes in them under the back seat of a teacher's car, but not untill I had properly "aged" the milk!) and doubly so when it comes to writing! So this was a great opportunity for me to try to achieve some!

The rules were simple. Post to your blog every day in November. That's it! No ground rules, no pre-determined topics, no advertising for Simpson's Individual Flood Preventers, nothing! Just write!

Whatever comes to mind, any length, and topic, any time as long as it was posted before midnight! So here is a reminder of what I wrote about (see the archive links to read them over if you like!):

Four or five posts about writing
Four posts on technology and geek stuff
Four posts about politics (kinda low for me!)
Three posts about my friend Sid
Six posts where I mostly just slapped up a picture and called it a night
Two posts about my own laziness (there would have been more but, you know how it is...)
Two posts about our new house (none very detailed, or satisfying, I know!)
And four undefined (possibly deranged) posts full of gobbledygook

Now there was really only one way to screw this up which, at the eleventh hour, I did. I failed to post anything yesterday.

Now, truth be told, it would have been easy to slap something on here and change the post date so it would appear as if I had posted yesterday, but I would not be able to accept that (somehow I have to find a way to get rid of that dang Integrity Gene!). So here I am, laying it all out there for you. I missed a day and there's nothing I can do about it.

But I'm telling you, it was Darth Vader and Megatron conspiring against me!

You may recall me mentioning a certain Plasma TV purchase I was planning to make? (Go on, check it out. I'll wait.) Well, the sad truth of the matter is, I got it. It's a 42 inch Panasonic Viera and it is (as they say back in England) "real purty"!

Geek-Topia!

So I got it yesterday and set it up. And calibrated it. And tuned it. And admired it. And caressed it. And named a future child after it. Then I made an error; I decided to test it.

Now, I don't know about you (actually I do, and if you don't cut that out right now, I'm telling Mom!) but I firmly believe that all new Audio/Visual equipment should rightfully be tested by a viewing of "Star Wars". [That's just "Star Wars", not "Episode Four: A New Hope"! You got that Lucas?!?! I refuse to buy into your revisionist, namby-pamby, "Greedo Shot First" do-over mentality you weasel! NEVER!] So I popped it in. It was, if I may say so, freakin' awesome!

When that was over, I felt the need to try out something a bit more recent (actually, Chica wanted to see it too, so it was a way to score some cheap brownie points!) so I put in Transformers. It too, was awesome!

It was thirty minutes too awesome, actually. When it was over, and I checked my watch, it was half-past midnight! I had missed the 29th! I MISSED IT! And it's all because of Darth Vader and Megatron!

It has to be, right? It couldn't be me!? Sure, I love consumer electronics as much as the next guy (MORE! The next guy doesn't appreciate the difference between 1080i and 1080p, but I DO!) but that doesn't mean I would neglect my adoring fan(s) by leaving them hanging like that! Does it?

I'm so ashamed.

So I guess this is it. I failed the NaBloPoMo movement in its pennultimate moment. I let down the Legions of adoring fans I've accumulated (imagined) since the beginning of the month, and I must pay for it dearly.

My punishment? Well that's up to you! Comment on this post and tell me what you think would be the most appropriate way to atone for my careless indifference to your literary requirements. I'll publish them all in a future post and let Chica pick the winner!

Until then, sorry about yesterday. It couldn't be helped!

-Sage Words

Black Friday

2008-11-28T20:37:00.003-07:00

Chica and I bought a washer and dryer and a new vacuum at a Black Friday sale this morning. By 0700 this morning we had spent $1300, made a deal to buy a $1300 TV for just over $700, and eaten breakfast.

Wow. I haven't been that productive in months!

-Sage Words

Guess What?

2008-11-27T09:40:00.004-07:00

May God give every one of you a reason to be grateful today!
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!!!

-Sage Words

Hasta La Vista, Little Sid!

2008-11-26T22:19:00.002-07:00

Well, Sid has taken off now, on his way back to England. Actually, he's just staying at a different friend's house tonight, but he flies out early tomorrow morning (Thanksgiving!).

So let me just take a moment to wish him a fond farewell...

Sid,

Thanks for the comic geek talk, and the movie geek talk, and the science geek talk, and the TV geek talk, and the Sci-Fi geek talk, and all the other geek talk over the past two plus weeks! Thanks for the help moving Chica and I into our new house, and thanks most of all for having a good time, and making us have a good time in the process.

Good luck when you get back to England!

-Sage Words

Not My Day

2008-11-25T23:03:00.000-07:00

We got the Internet hooked up at the new house today. Then it stopped working before I had a chance to do my blog. So it's cell-phone blogging again today!

Woo!

Problem is, I'm too tired! So here's a bad joke to tide you over:

Two guys walk into a bar.

You'd think the second one would've ducked...

(told you.)

-Sage Words

One For The Road

2008-11-24T20:35:00.003-07:00

What you see here is my final parting gift to the United Kingdom. I did this mere hours before we left the country!

The brown sign on the left was discovered, half-buried, behind my shed in the Base-owned housing development where Chica and I lived. The house you see in the background had actually caught fire and was gutted about a year prior, but they had only begun the demolition process three weeks before I left, and in that time, had only managed to dig up the yard a bit!

One of my eagle-eyed readers (not you, the other one!) noticed that I've used this photo as my profile photo, but pointed out that it was not clear what was actually in the photo! Thus, I have re-produced it here in all its high-resolution glory! I hope you like it!

-Sage Words

I Am Wasting Your Time RIGHT NOW!

2008-11-23T20:08:00.001-07:00

I was thinking about discussing Thanksgiving today, but I suppose I may as well save that for Thursday when it actually IS Thanksgiving.

However, I am still thankful today. Tonight, Chica and I will spend our first night in our new house! In fact, we need to get some stuff together and get over there, so I will beg your pardon and call it a night early on this one!

Besides, after the reactions I got to yesterdays blog, I think you might all need a short break from the Sage Words Mind!

We'll try again tomorrow!

-Sage Words

A Small Defenestration of my "Talent"

2008-11-22T22:54:00.004-07:00

I didn't see anything interesting today. It's odd, because I find myself interested in SOMETHING every day.

Now, you would think that in the absence of interesting external stimuli, a creative mind such as mine (if you can call it that) would simply manufacture something interesting. For example, I might imagine that a police car cut me off on the way to work and screeched to a halt, disgorging thirty nine rubberized ballerinas with badges and night sticks.

You would further suppose that I would go on to imagine that each of them flung their night sticks into the air where they underwent a metamorphosis into a hundred copies of Amazing Spider-Man #129 (First appearance of The Punnisher) printed on the head of a pin by a VERY patient calligrapher with a facial tick and poor euclidean geometry.

After a while, my mind would then generate a spontaneous concert of duets by Donnie Ozmond and Ozzy Osbourne, performing the haunting love songs of WHAM! in Gregorian Chant. Naturally, the concert would be open only to direct descendants of the Katzenjammer Kids and their flamingos.

A huge success, the concert would eventually have been adapted into a mini-series on HBO, but re-imagined as a combination Western / Astrophysics Seminar starring Delta Burke and Delroy Lindo as a wacky husband and wife marionette team masquerading as secret agents and saving the world from the National Automobile Dealers Association.

?????????????????????????????????

I guess what I'm saying is that my imagination appears to be at a low ebb today. Otherwise I could envision things like Ancient Egyptian professional wrestlers eating pie dipped in Pepto Bismol to save time.

I would conjure magical defenestrators who kindly clean up the tattered remains of fish suppers dropped from great heights.

I'd be able to fantasize about ping pong championships played on the moon where the competitors are so far apart they can't even see each other and the fans have to sit in orbiting bleachers with hot dog vendors with nine arms and a prehensile eye stalk growing from between their toes.

I might even be of a mind to fixate on the possibility of rust-colored windmills being sold at auction to fund an internal affairs investigation into corruption in the Cheeze-Whiz commodities market which has funded the processed-cheese-food-Illuminati for thousands of years and has only now been exposed for the inhumane dandilion-waterboarding monsters that they are; regularly knitting sweaters from non-hypo-allergenic yarn and maliciously donating them to Rambo impersonators with tragically sensitive skin.

?????????????????????????????????

But like I said, today I got nuthin'. Sorry.

-Sage Words

Thou Shalt Honor Thy (Grand)Father...

2008-11-21T23:07:00.003-07:00

I was reading Yarntangler's Blog today and one post in particular made me think about my Grandfather. The last time I saw him was this past May at my younger brother's wedding. He looked great, and had the energy of a man half his age. He danced with all the ladies at the reception and made most of them beg to take a break!

I have a lot of wonderful memories and stories of my Grandfather. From fighting with my brothers for the right to comb his hair, to helping him build a huge deck in front of his house (I was so proud to be allowed to use tools!). My Grandfather is a great man.

My Grandfather has done some awesome things in his life. He fought for his country in WWII, he knew JFK, heck, he sired my Mom! And while I understand that it's traditional to write a tribute to someone when they pass on, I think I'd rather do it now, while he's still alive and energetic and able to read it!

Ah but you see, there's the rub. The one thing my Grandfather has not been able to maintain like a man half his age is his eyesight. Oh, he gets by ok, but as much as he loves the Interwebs (and for an octoganarian, he's VERY computer savvy!) he can't read half of it because we all make things too tiny!

So I thought, instead of telling you a bunch of stories about us kids with Grandfather (although I will tell some of those eventually!) I have decided to craft my tribute to him in another way.

I have created a new blog to mirror this one. It will have all the same posts, all the same bad jokes, all the same amazingly innovative ideas, and all the same knee-jerk reactions to current events. And it will all be

HUGE!!!

I'm talking Big McLarge-Huge sized text so my beloved Grandfather, who has always encouraged my writing all the way back to my school days, can see just what a dissapointment I've become and how I've wasted what little talent God may have accidentally bestowed upon me in a fit of utmost optimism!

The bigger, badder version of this blog is at: bigdethwombat.blogspot.com and from now on, when I post here, I will post the same thing there.

Oh, by the way, I do want to tell one story about my Grandfather. I was young, so some of the details may be a bit off (I know my mom will correct me, God bless her!) but this is the story as I remember it and, therefore, this is how it happened!

I was just shy of eight years old, and living in El Paso, Texas. Gramma and Grandfather lived in Truth or Consequences, New Mexico (yes, it was named after the radio gameshow!) or perhaps Lubbock, Texas. Anyway, it's not important.

So one summer (spring, fall, whatever!) we went for a visit (or maybe camping) and Grandfather took me out to a lake (Crystal Lake?) to go fishing. To my knowledge, I had never fished before. For all I know, neither had he, but from my pre-eight-year-old perspective, he was the embodiment of all fishing acumen since the dawn of time (1950).

So there we were, on the shore (in a boat?) of the lake (or it could have been a stream) when suddenly I felt a tug (mighty heave!) on the line of my Mr. Popeil Pocket Fisherman (this part I'm sure is true!).

I was elated (or terrified)! I was about to catch my first fish, and it was a monster! Grandfather came racing (mosied) to my side, abandoning his own fishing line (putting down a sandwich) to join in the epic struggle! After many hours (seconds) taking turns at the reel of the Pocket Fisherman (he may have just done it for me) we landed the leviathan! It was ten feet long if it was an inch!

Actually, this part is clear. It was about four and a half inches long, minus an inch on either end for head and tail. It was a wide-mouth bass whose mouth should have been alowed to get a lot wider before he ended up in a skillet, but my Grandfather helped me clean that fish (we actually gave it to my Mom to do that!) and we cooked it and ate it. Both bites!

My Grandfather is a great man. He was an epic figure in my young eyes, and I was never above putting an elbow in The Lone Duck's ribs so I could be the first to comb Grandfather's hair when we went to visit. And I'm not above it now!

Grandfather, I love you! Please bookmark bigdethwombat.blogspot.com and visit it often. The posts may not always be about you, but every one of them is for you!

All my love!

-Sage Words

I Hath Wrote-eth Thy Blog-eth O Great One

2008-11-20T20:48:00.005-07:00

Last night I dreamed that President-Elect Barack Obama called me up after reading my letter to him, and decided to make me his Blogger-Laureate.

I was actually less confused than you might think. This being 2008, it is only natural that we do away with the boring old Poet-Laureate position and create this position. Why would a hip, happenin' dude like Barack want to read some stuffy old poetry when he could read how to score major brownie points with Michelle on Valentine's Day (it's coming boys, get to work!), or study the economics of the Movie Exchange Rate?

So yeah, I think we do need a Blogger-Laureate position in this country. And come to think of it, I believe I may just be the right man for the job.

Now, if this were to actually come to pass, I suspect I would be the first ever Blogger-Laureate and as such, I believe it falls to me to define the position. After all, the first pilot got to make up the rules for his job (don't crash! Don't Crash! DON'T CRASH!!!) and that's working out pretty well (except when someone forgets that rule!). So I think I will do exactly that.

Now, in days of yore (your? you're?) the poet-laureate was employed by the crown (which is odd. You'd think the king would do the hiring and not his accessories, but I digress...) to ~ and this is the tough part ~ write poems. Now I know what you're thinking, "of course he writes poems, he's the POET LOAREATE!" Well, this wouldn't be the first government position to have a misleading name! Do you think the Secratary of State takes dictation? Or the Prime Minister presides over church services? I rest my case!

...hmm...lost my train of thought. Let me go back and re-read some of that, hold on...

(pilot doesn't want to crash...poet hired by crown...dictation...Ok, I got it.)

So the poet would write poetry. Not a lot, mind you, just enough to continue to amuse the King. And sometimes to amaze him! I believe the first dirty limerick was composed by a poet laureate, but I could be wrong. It may have been a poet leprechan. But, once more, I digress...

So the poet would write poetry and would be paid a stipend by the king. In 1638, Sir William Davenant was paid 300 British Pounds per year as the poet laureate. By my calculations, taking into account the exchange rate and the differing currency systems between 1638 and today, that works out to (without cost-of-living increases) approximately $915,283,084.42 per year. To show what a patriot I am, I'd be willing to do it for half that! God Bless America!

Anyway, let's just assume I've got the job, and that it will be at my patriotically-reduced rate. That's all well and good, but I need to define the work so now I give you:

$*$*$*$*$*$*$*$*$*$*$*$*$*$*$*$

The Sage Words Guide for the Blogger-Laureate of the United States of America
(or: how to make a ton of moolah without all that pesky working)

Be it known by all: The position of the Poet-Laureate of the United States of America shall forthwith be eliminated in favor of the more socially relevant position of Blogger-Laureate of the United States of America, Keeper of Tangents, Purveyer of Prognistication, and Champion of Entendras (both double and single)!

Be it further known by all: The responsibilities of the Blogger-Laureate shall be as follows:

The Blogger-Laureate of the United States of America (BLOTUSOA) shall serve at the pleasure of the President (whomever THAT is!) and receive the stipend of $457,641,542.21 per annum plus reasonable expenses (beer)
The President shall grant the BLOTUSOA complete and dictatorial control over the editorial format and content of the Official Blog of the United States of America (OBOTUSOA), but the President can make suggestions
The President shall communicate requests for blog topics to the BLOTUSOA thusly: President - "Dude, did you hear about that crazy Economic Downturn? That would be great for your blog!" OBOTUSOA - "Whatever!"
The OBOTUSOA may blog from any National Monument he wants without catching a lot of crap from his readership (all seven of them)
Further rules will be made up as required

Be it lastly known by all: The OBOTUSA is appointed for life or until he gets fed-up with it.

$*$*$*$*$*$*$*$*$*$*$*$*$*$*$*$

It's funny. I spent all week posting lame blog entries and pictures and short apologies for my sloth-like work ethic, but President-Elect Obama still felt like he could trust me with this awesome responsibility! I promise, I'll work hard and be ever-tangental in an effort to retain his trust (and that paycheck!).

Heck, I might even write something useful again some day!

-Sage Words

You guys are really going to hate me soon!

2008-11-19T21:25:00.002-07:00

So I have homework to do for a class I'm in for work this week. In the mean time, here's a picture of our house, which we FINALLY got the keys to today! Woo!

I swear, I'll write something worth reading soon!

-Sage Words

Everybody was Kung-Fu Fighting!

2008-11-18T23:00:00.005-07:00

I have always been a huge fan of kung-fu movies. I love Jackie Chan and Jet Li and Samo Hung and the greatest of them all, Bruce Lee; but I have found a new star to be amazed by. His name is Tony Jaa and he may be the best in the business right now.

I just finished watching "The Protector" (which you've never heard of!) and it was phenominal! The story was weak and the acting bad, but the kung-fu (or in this case, Thai boxing) is amazing! This guy can seriously kick butt!

Go see it. Watch it twice, and remember that this guy is NOT using wires!

-Sage Words

Photographic Evidence of Dedication to My Art

2008-11-17T22:55:00.006-07:00

This is me, blogging for your enjoyment. Note the huge, gaping chasm in the background.

Click on the picture to see the full size (and very cool) version

I ignored said chasm (and the amazing sunset) while I finished up my blog for my loyal readership two days ago. You're welcome.

-Sage Words

Two For The Price of Two

2008-11-16T22:02:00.001-07:00

So I had every intention of putting together a big-time, whiz-bang blog entry today. It was going to be the all-singing, all-dancing story of our trip to the Grand Canyon, complete with (pretty awesome) pictures.

In fact, it was the very awesomeness of said canyon that has necessitated another trip to the dork-well for a second time. yes, I am once more blogging on my cell phone, although this time I'm in the car with my buddy Sid driving, passing through Phoenix.

So here's the thing with Sid. We drove about 30 miles discussing (are you ready for this?) typefaces!

That's right! That's right, typefaces! Now, in order to mount a little bit of literary tension, I'm not going to tell you which font came out on top just yet (although I WILL tell you that 'Comic San Serif was a tie!).

This conversation speaks directly to the reason Sid & I get along so well. Never mind the fact that we both love comics, movies, TV, obscure 80's songs, and chocolate; we can both be counted upon to speak intelligently about both standard and unique type styles. That is some SERIOUS geekage!

I know what you're thinking. ''You, Sage old buddy, are a whack-a-loon!''

Well, I can't deny my whack-a-looniness, but I will say there's something very comforting about having a friend who is wired up just as badly as you! I am quite happy to have him visiting.

Mind you, he's not perfect! He didn't like ''Men In Black'', he's too tall, he's British without being English (or maybe the other way around, I forget), and he hasn't picked up a single Depeche Mode reference all week (must be English without being British)!

Still, he seems to be a marginally competant driver and he speaks in a funny accent that amuses me when he swears. I guess that's pretty good.

So now the moment of truth; which fonts came out on top? Well, Sid prefers Palitino Linotype. He says it's because the ''S'' looks like a Klingon Bat'leth. This is a reason I can get behind.

Me? I prefer a good old Bauer Bodini. It's a strong, uncomplicated font with clearly differentiated '1s' and 'I's. Plus, it's named after Jack Bauer. Cool.

So I welcome young (relatively) Sid -- formally -- to my little corner of the world! I promise to keep an eye on him!

-Sage Words

Isn't Modern Technology Wonderful?

2008-11-15T17:21:00.000-07:00

Believe it or not, I am doing this blog entry from the rim of the Grand Canyon!

This may put me in the Dork Hall of Fame!

-Sage Words

Itnnerant Residency in the Grand Canyon State

2008-11-14T18:22:00.001-07:00

NOTE: I’m the kind of person who likes to try new things. Sometimes I pick a different route home, for example. Sometimes I eat a new dish. Sometimes I even put on my right shoe before my left (this NEVER works out, and can ruin an entire day!)

Today I’m trying to literally “mail it in” (as opposed to doing it figuratively most days!) by using this blog site’s e-mail posting feature. If it works, you may get overly excited, so please try to remain calm. True, it may signal the beginning of a worldwide economic recovery, an end to wars and hatred, a return to moral thought and behavior, a chicken in every pot, the resurgence of the United States of America as the leader of nations, and restoration of “Doogie Howser, M.D.” to television as God intended!

But, it may not.

What it will do, however, is allow me to get to my point and get today’s episode of “Stupid Things Sage Words Will Try To Pass Off As Relevant” underway! So without further shenanigans, I bring you:

Stupid Things Sage Words Will Try To Pass Off As Relevant

(or: how to share the bitter tonic of disappointment with as many people as possible, but cheaply)

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Today, Chica and I signed our names about 185,256,549,924.7 times and (allegedly) came away as proud new owners of a bouncing baby house! Now, while this is cause for celebration in many primitive societies (England, Fantasia, or any Chevy Chase film), in our local Arizonan (Arizinian?) society it is merely cause for “not really getting what you want”. Or more accurately, getting exactly what you want, but not being allowed to have it!

Howard Jones wrote a song back in 1986 (the only truly great music was in the 80’s) about unrequited love called No One Is To Blame. It contains the line: “You can build the mansion but you just can’t live in it” and I’m telling you, that’s how Chica and I feel right about now!

You see, in this advanced Arizonnistic (or in Latin: Delayus Maximus) world we have moved to, there appears to be a cooling off period for home buying! Now, it’s not what you think. I’m not supposed to sit here and think really hard about what I’ve done (Mrs. Blackstone, my Kindergarten teacher, might disagree with that statement), no! It appears this is the State’s chance to see if THEY really want to let you do it!

Actually, it’s just a state-mandated time for all of the paperwork to be properly filed.

And certified.

And gold-plated.

And framed.

And sold on the International-Paperwork-Preventing-Sage-Words-And-Chica-From-Occupying-The-House-They-JUST-FREAKIN’-BOUGHT market!

Not that I’m bitter.

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So technically, Chica and I are homeowners once more. Sometime around Tuesday, we will also be homeoccupiers!

Dude. I can’t wait!

-Sage Words

Binomial Random Variables

2008-11-13T18:30:00.005-07:00

You are all going to get pretty annoyed with these short posts after awhile, I'm sure. It seems like I have so much stuff going on that I just can't find more than ten minutes at a time to write. That's a shame, because I've found that it often takes more than ten minutes to write anything worthwhile (my average on this blog is four hours, including research and editing).

So, in order to accommodate my truncated timetable, I now present to you:

The Sage Words (Truncated) Guide to Writing Short Blog Entries

(or: how to meet a deadline without actually working)

In order to write a blog entry that looks like you actually put some thought into it quickly, with no preparation, it is important to have access to the following seven things:

A propensity for making lists
Low standards of overall quality
An understanding readership (remind me to get one of those)
A relatively well-maintained vocabulary
An imagination with few guidelines about what's "appropriate" or "in good taste"
A ready supply of junk food
A better idea for your last item than this one

Once you have obtained those things, make up a quick (and hopefully thematic) title for your article. It's not terribly important to make the content match the title, it's just there for show. Put it in large, bold letters and change the color. That makes it look official, and implies that you did more than just start typing like an Infinite Monkey and pray for a good outcome. If you can come up with a pithy subtitle, so much the better.

Now, after jotting down a quick introduction, toss out a list. It can be numbered or bulletted, depending what you're writing about (if you even know yet!), but if it's numbered, use an arbitrary number (like seven) instead of an easy five or ten. Everyone does top ten lists, so stand out a little!

Now make up an explanation for whatever the list was about, followed by a brief transition. Once the transition is written...

...insert a random picture. In a case like this, the more random the better.

Next, knock off a quick summation of your points. Mention the list, the explanation, and try to make a clever remark about the picture. (If you have a hard time choosing between two clever remarks, try flipping a coin!)

Follow this with a "Big Finish". I picked this trick up by watching a lot of GI Joe and Inspector Gadget cartoons, where there's always a moralistic wrap up at the end to make up for the senseless violence. This part should speak to your reader and make them feel as if you actually had something to say, even if you made it up as you went along!

The Interwebs are full of a lot of things today. There are dirty pictures, murder plots, guides to fiscal malfeasance (and all that's just on Congress's site!); but there are still not enough actual resources. If you put some effort into it, plan your message, and craft it lovingly, you can put something really positive out there for people to react to. Something that could one day inspire or even amaze!

Or, if you're short of time, you can just make it up as you go along. Who's going to know?

-Sage Words

Which Is More Plausable, Busy or Lazy?

2008-11-12T17:37:00.003-07:00

Where does the time go? Here I am, promising a long discussion of philosophical differences between me and my friend Sid, but I just don't have the time!

Chica and I are swamped in paperwork today about our new house, so I'm going to leave you with the following ancient saying to ponder. It's profound, deep, and I live my life by it.

I'm also making it up as I type this. Here goes:

Life can not be one minute shorter or longer than it's supposed to be, but it can be made to suck less, but only by others. Make someones life suck less today and hopefully, they will make your life suck less tomorrow.

How's that for spur-of-the-moment ancient wisdom?

-Sage Words

All Part Of The Friendly Service...

2008-11-11T08:06:00.002-07:00

Today is Veterans Day. I have seen a lot of exceptional men and women in service to their country over the years. Army, Navy Air Force, Marines, Coast Guard. Active Duty, Reserve, Guard.

Our nation and way of life are protected by volunteers who swear to lay down their lives for their protection. Those people represent less than 2% of the population.

If you see a veteran today, please do one of two things:

Thank them for their service
Thank them for their service

I know I enjoy living in a free society, so I'm taking this opportunity to say thanks myself.

Thank you, Honored Veterans.

-Sage Words

Pip Pip! Cherrio! Wot? Wot?

2008-11-10T18:58:00.003-07:00

Perspective is a marvelous thing. And the funny thing is, it can sneak up on you.

My friend Sid is visiting from England, and it is a very refreshing experience for me. On the one hand, it's kind of like having a younger, British version of myself around to talk comics with. For those of you who don't know Sid (which is all of you!) I met him in the mid-90's when I was stationed in England for the first time. He worked in the comic book store where I fed my habit on a semi-regular basis, and every time we talked comics, I found his likes/dislikes/opinions to be very much like mine. In comics, this is a rare find, and I got along so well with him and Glynn (the owner) that I kept in semi-touch when Chica and I moved to Omaha.

When we returned to England for a second tour, Sid and Glynn were the first on my list of people to look up and, even though their shop was over an hour away, I still went to see them as often as possible (and spend a stupid amount of money on comics while I was at it)! Over the ten years (or so) since we first met, Sid and I still seem to share our opinions pretty evenly on comics, movies, popular culture, and even the weather (Arizona is HOT!)

Now he's visiting on my turf for the first time and he came here because, like a lot of people around the world, he was fascinated by the election. Unlike a lot of people, he had the time and inclination to come here and check it out for himself (which impresses me quite a bit, now that I think about it).

So we've spent some time the last few days talking comics and movies and TV like we always do, but also discussing politics, and that's where the perspective comment comes in. It's really interesting to hear his opinions on how our process has worked, and how we're reacting to the results.

Tomorrow, I'll tell you a little more about the substance of these discussions (summit talks?) but for now I just want to say "Welcome" to Sid, and thank you for being so interested in our humble little country!

Like we say here in America, "Mi casa es su casa!"

-Sage Words

Wheatbugs Choosing Poorly

2008-11-09T23:09:00.003-07:00

Wow. Today was just one of those days where, despite a lot of things happening and a lot of people saying witty things in my immediate vicinity, I have nothing to say myself.

It's not normal for me to have nothing to say. Many parents teach their children that if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all. My parents taught me that if you don't have anything to say, say something anyway (oddly enough, this lesson was taught more by example than by actually being verbalized. I find that ironic).

So here I am with nothing to say. Common convention would have me be silent, but my upbringing dictates the opposite. In fact, it is the very state of nothing-to-say-ness I am experiencing that has influenced my topic choice today.

Hmm...

This is getting us nowhere. Let me see if I can explain it in a different way:

Once upon a time, there was a little kid named Mandrake. Mandrake had a large head, three extra toes on his left foot, a dimple in his right cheek (but, sadly, not in his left), and had been awarded second place in the Branchtonville County hot dog eating contest of 1983. In his hand, Mandrake held a picture of a monkey. This picture had been taken not at a zoo, as one might expect, but in the frozen food section of the local Food Lion. It was wildly assumed that Mandrake had the one and only copy of this picture.

Hmm...

Okay, that tactic seems not to be working. Let me try this:

'Twas in the living room he sat
the man without an orange hat
he couldn't leave while raindrops spat
and so he stayed to pet his cat

Hmm...

Random thoughts are not an unusual occurance in my head. I once spent an entire day endeavoring to say at least one thing to every person I talked to that was utterly unexpected. I asked my boss if she could cut keys; I asked a coworker if he felt snails would pole-vault if they could; I even asked my doctor if he was getting enough fiber in his diet!

I'll tell you, that was an entertaining day!

So here I am, with nothing to say. I have to let my mind decompress sometimes, so what better place than here on my blog! I don't even plan to go back and re-read this one! So until next time, Shazbot!

-Sage Words

The Greatest Thing Since The Greatest Thing Since Sliced Bread

2008-11-08T00:24:00.007-07:00

Uh... If you click on the photos, they get bigger.

Technical Difficulties

2008-11-07T22:16:00.002-07:00

Due to circumstances beyond our ability to control (Space-Time Continuum), tonight's blog entry is being entered remotely by my faithful assistant/Chica.

Any mispellings or inacuracies should be blamed on the Sprint PCS telephone network.
Any complaints about the humorous quality of this post should be addressed to the mayor of Stanfield, Arizona, since that is where I am as I phone in this entry.

Mind you, there are those who say I've been phoning it in all along!

-Sage (Rosemary) Words

Holding Pattern

2008-11-06T22:08:00.003-07:00

Wow. Not much time tonight, which is too bad. I had a very eventful day which included getting completely thwarted by a vacuum cleaner and watching an Oldsmobile vomit.

I have to get up early tomorrow to go to the airport, so I think I'll just leave you with the following awesome picture of a cyborg monkey fighting a robot. You can't get enough of that sort of thing in my book!

It was done by a very talented artist named Roberto Campus and you can catch his website <HERE>

Enjoy!

Fear the monkey!

More writing of substance (or not!) tomorrow! Until then...

-Sage Words

Dear Mr. President-Elect,

2008-11-05T19:19:00.014-07:00

Dear President-Elect Obama,

CONGRATULATIONS! I am proud and honored to call you my next Commander-In-Chief, and I will be honest and forthright in my service under your command.

I have spoken (written) about you on this site before. I have hailed you as a leader and I have criticized you as indecisive. I have pointed out your ability to inspire, and I have called you to task for inaction. Now, less than a day after your historic victory, I'd like to take a few minutes to tell you what's on my mind, and perhaps make a couple of small suggestions. I will try not to take up too much of your time, as I suspect you may be slightly busy for the next four to eight years!

Oddly enough, it's those four to eight years that I'd like to talk about...

Sir, I don't need to tell you that we're in a bit of a pickle right now. You face an economic crisis of proportions that have not been hinted at since before your birth. You are tapped to lead a nation that is suffering a loss of prestige on the international stage and a loss of self-confidence at home. You are the (proud?) inheritor of two wars that will be presented to you in "As Is" condition and no Lemon Law protection! In short, you have already done something amazing and almost miraculous just by getting elected, but that was the easy part! Now is where things get a bit rough! Fortunately, I'm here to help! Please allow me to present:

The Sage Words Pre-Presidency Primer on Profoundly Perplexing Problems
(or: How to Use Alliteration to Authentically Assuage Astoundingly Aggravating Actualities)

This guide is not intended to actually solve the problems I'm about to ennumerate. If it could do that, you could've skipped the entire election and just slipped me a finsky and called it good! No, I just want to give you the common (my friends would say sub-common!) person's perspective of what's wrong with the world. I may have an idea or two to fix things as well, but I think I'll save that for another letter. After all, I expect us to become pen-pals after this!

So for starters, the economy is in tatters. But the problem is, our economy no longer runs on money, or production, or credit, or things; our economy is the largest faith-based program in the world! It's about confidence, faith, and a willingness to accept a little bit of risk. But no one will accept risk any more!

The only reason the mortgage crisis was able to drag our economy down so far is because we have bred the risk-takers out of our country. Every loan was packaged and sold with other loans for a profit. Then those packages were bundled and sold for another profit. Then the bundles were sold to the government (Fannie and Freddy were always govenrment, no matter what Donald Trump thinks!) for yet another profit! But the best part is, risk was eliminated! Fannie and Freddy bought anything and everything and didn't care what was in it! This taught the lenders that any risk was acceptable, because there was really NO risk! At least not to them! Couple this with an unregulated system of self-policing and you get rediculous numbers of rediculous loans for rediculous deals, all guarenteed by Uncle Sam!

Seriously Mr. Obama, find a way to restore confidence by restoring risk. The risk weeds out the greedy pigs and dolts and whomever is left standing, you can have more confidence in! Then you invest in them! Survival of the (fiscally) fittest! (As it turns out, Darwin was an economist!)

*****************************

We are at war. Why we are at war is not your issue, it belongs to history. Please keep this in mind as you plan your first steps into an arena that is, for the moment, beyond your experience. Listen to your troops and digest what they have to tell you. I promise you, an army enlisted soldier with three tours on the ground in Iraq and one in Afghanistan knows a lot more than they get credit for most of the time. Your Generals will all give you outstanding advice on strategy and tactics, but none of them has ever had to pour fuel-oil into a full latrine pit and stir it with a stick as it burns. Go find a couple of troops that have done that, and talk to them before you decide how to handle the Middle East. Perspective is a valuable thing.

*****************************

Cooperation. You said in a lot of your speeches that you were going to reach across the isle. I think this is a ridiculous concept. If you reach across the isle, and the Republicans reach across the isle, and Nancy Pelosi reaches across the isle, and everyone else reaches across the isle, you're going to all end up over balanced and falling on your faces (like that's never happened in Washington before!)! Here's a bit of free advice:

JUST GET INTO THE ISLE!

Get into the isle, Sir! Bring your friends! Bring your enemies! Bring a picnic lunch, but get IN there and quit holding on to the stupid, compulsive, selfish, and ignorant need to keep one foot firmly planted on "your side" of the isle! There are no sides anymore! We face too many really important challenges to hold onto our ancient, well-worn, classical, hand-tooled ideology the way we used to! If you have to be a liberal and someone else has to be a conservative all the time, you will never see eye to eye. The only true ideology for a President is service to the people. All of them.

*****************************

Use your resources! I may be a tiny bit off here, but while I was watching you and Senator McCain give your speeches on election night, I got the distinct impression that you two were up to something! I think one of the best things you could do going forward would be to offer the Senator a place in your new administration. He's a born leader, a master warrior, and the very picture of patriotism our nation still needs to be able to rally around. If he were in the comics, he'd be Captain America! Only, you know, not quite as muscle-bound.

*****************************

President-Elect Obama, you have just earned for yourself the world's second-hardest job (naked cat-hearding is the first). People will second- and third-guess everything you do (and that's appropriate), but if you plan your Presidency as well as you planned your campaign, you will find yourself appreciated more ofen than not. So keep your head up, your back straight, and march proudly into the White House on January 20th, knowing that you belong there, you are wanted there, and you deserve to be there. But also know that it was regular people who put you there, and who are counting on you to do right by them. From what I've seen so far, I don't think we'll be dissappointed.

Thank you for your time Mr. President-Elect. And thank you for your service.

-Sage Words

No, seriously! Here's what I REALY Think!

2008-11-04T19:10:00.003-07:00

Okay, so I guess I teased you a bit with that last post! Naughty naughty me! So let me just get right to the point:

The (Actual) Sage Words Guide to the Political Opinions Within the Sage Words Mind
(or, how to actually agonize endlessly over your vote without really trying)

Let me start right off by saying that I think I am one of the few people who is NOT terrified by what's about to happen. I honestly believe that no matter who is elected President, our nation will be better off than it is right now.

I think the last eight years have brought us to a place we never really wanted to be as a nation. We no longer lead the world by providing a positive example, we lead by flexing our muscles. We no longer extend a helping hand, but a hitting hand, and we stubbornly continue to thrash about in the delicate china shop of international relations, pushing our allies and enemies alike aside whenever it suits us, while we allow our people at home to drown in floods, die in hurricanes, and be crushed under crumbling bridges. We create a climate that encourages huge corporations to amass vast wealth at the expense of most of our citizens, but refuse to require those same corporations to exercise what should be a civic duty to forgo some of those profits when times are tough! We encourage our banking industry to help more people own homes, but neglect to protect those same people from predatory lending disguised as "help".

I could go on like this for hours. The sheer number of things that push my political "ON" button is staggering at best, but I think I need to keep it a bit more topical, so let me leave this rant in favor of a couple of others. It's on to the candidates!

I'll start with the Elder Statesman of this race:

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

John McCain. The Maverick.

Listen. I was totally in love with John McCain in 2000. I liked his message, I liked his style, and I liked the fact that, when he got caught being a dumbass like ALL members of congress eventually do, he didn't try to weasel out of it by questioning the definition of the word "is", he just fessed up, acknowledged that he did something wrong and/or stupid, and promised not to do it again. Not only that, he followed through on that promise. He became a champion of campaign finance reform, fighting to change a system that practically begged to be abused!

McCain 2000 was fearless. He stuck his thumb in his own party's eye on several occasions and his constituents in Arizona loved him for it. He would have made a thoughtful, decisive, effective President.

McCain 2008. Hmm...not so much. During his 2000 run against "W", there was so much animosity between them it was like a Tesla Coil when the two of them were in the same room! Heck, the same state! Then the Political Machine, owned and operated by "W"s old man, went to work for the youngster. McCain was shut out, and the farther right you were, the less likely you were to be on his side. Eventually, he had to throw in the towel.

This was an honerable loss. But my problem is, he followed his towel into the ring and began to use it to clean up after his hated adversary! He spoke at Jerry Fallwell's school, he towed the line, he went to all the right photo ops with "W" and he looked like he was swallowing camel dung the entire time. Ugh.

What happened to my Maverick!??!!? Where's my political man-crush gone to, and who is this ancient sychophant who has replaced him? McCain 2008. Not the man he once was.

However, in the long run, I still have hope for him. He has shown an amazing ability to bounce back from his mistakes over the years, so maybe he'll do it again this time. After all, I deeply believe that he is a man who literally LIVES to serve his country. I think it's the first thing on his mind in the morning, and the last thing on his mind at night. I respect and admire him for the things he's endured on my behalf and I think his integrity is unmatched in politics. God Speed, Mr. McCain.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Barack Obama. Holy moly!

I remember his speech to the Democratic National Convention in 2004. It was nothing short of amazing! Chica and I were speechless as we watched this political supernova being born right before our eyes! We both said, on that very night, "that guy will be running for President in 2008!"

[FULL DISCLOSURE ALERT] Actually, Chica said that. I said he'd come up short of the nomination in 2008 but win it in 2012. Chica always has been smarter than me!

So here we had this superstar in the making, building all this excitement and oozing charisma and pushing all the right buttons and utterly FAILING to do anything of substance! Many political junkies will be startled right out of their "New Camelot" fantasies by that remark, but I believe it to be true.

In four years, Obama has had an enormous impact on politics, but almost zero impact on policy! Where are your windmills, Mr. Obama, and why do you refuse to tilt at them?

Barack Obama has chosen not to vote 238 times out of 754 opportunities. That's almost 32% of the time! Don't believe me? Just look HERE.

What would happen to a postman who chose not to deliver 32% of the mail? Or a doctor who only accounted for 68% of the instruments he used operating on your liver? Okay, these are extreme examples, but the truth is much simpler; if you want to be my President, you need to show me some decisiveness! A flowery speech is a wonderful thing, but back it up with action! I'm glad Senator Obama could draw 100,000 Germans to a ralley, but can he feed 100,000 children living below the poverty line? Does he have a plan to bring 100,000 jobs back to America from outsourcing efforts? Let's have some substance, my friend!

Okay, but is he worth voting for? Absolutely! He brings some things to the table we haven't seen in a LONG time. He energizes young people to care about issues. It's about time, because we've depended on the Baby Boomers to run things for long enough! It's time for us, their children and grand children, to take a turn at the helm and give them a much deserved break.

Obama can also help to rehabilitate our reputation outside our borders. Those 100,000 Germans may not be able to vote for him, but they can certainly tell their own leaders to cooperate with him!

There's one other thing Obama can do for us; he can show us that we can look past the petty concept of race as a qualifying factor and make decisions based on a careful, studied examination of who someone is, rather than what they look like. To youalso, Senator Obama; God Speed.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

So I guess this is it. This is the part where I tell you who I'm for and why. For the record, I vote absentee in Washington State, and I filled out and mailed my ballot on the 29th of October. So without further ado (that's right, all that stuff above was "ado". Some might say "ado-doo") I bring you:

The No-BS Sage Words 2008 Presidential vote
(now with actual justification at no further charge!)

I cast my vote for John McCain. Chica will tell you that I had my mind made up a long time ago, and to an extent she would be correct. But I've had my doubts. Both candidates are worthy, but here's why Senator John S. McCain gets my vote:

Senator McCain has a mean streak a mile wide and he knows it. Some may think this is a handicap, but he's known about it forever and is still able to sucessfully serve his country. He's got fire and determination, combined with the control required to make it an asset instead of a liability. I feel sorry for our enemies if he gets elected! (That's a lie. I don't feel bad at all!)
McCain acknowledges his mistakes. He's admitted, several times in public, and in a book, that his first marriage ended because he was a cheating asshole. He has done right by his ex-wife, who get's most of his personal income for life, and he didn't need a judge to tell him to do it.
He has honor and integrity. I truly believe that his love for his country is immense and he will never knowingly do something that could hurt her. He'll do what he thinks is right, not what he is told by advisors would look good.
I don't think he ran because he wanted to be President. I think he ran because he felt a calling to serve, and that's a very powerful thing. It puts his mind right.

McCain is my choice. I'm proud to vote for him and I'm glad I did it early. As I write this, the polls are open. Returns will be coming in soon and we'll know in a few hours which direction we are headed. I will proudly, and without reservation, continue to serve my nation under the leadership of either man, and I will not allow harm to come to you on my watch. All I ask in return is that you vote your conscience as I have mine. Next thing you know, we'll see this:

and it'll all be over!

I'm excited! Are you?

-Sage Words

(Tomorrow: An open letter to the President-Elect!)

This is what I think...

2008-11-03T21:42:00.006-07:00

They say it's not over 'till it's over. Seriously, they say that! I've heard them! Well, it seems as if it's over. Or rather, ALMOST over! I keep forgetting about that last little step...

Um...sorry. I guess that was a bit loud. How's this...

Better? Good. Let's move on...

I've been asked by many of my readers (both of you, at one point or another!) to expound on the current political situation. I have refrained from doing so until now for a couple of reasons:

I am a procrastinator
I am lazy
I fear the almost godlike power of my lofty public perch as a blogger and did not wish to unduly influence any of my fellow voters because I happen to believe in freedom of choice and would never dream of trying to push my political opinions on another person without...
What a load of crap. Just see #1 and #2

But now, at the eleventh hour (or pretty close to it!) I guess it's time to share my thoughts, so here they are:

The Sage Words Guide to the Political Opinions Within the Sage Words Mind
(or, how to agonize endlessly over your vote without really trying)

I remember my political awakening like it was November 4, 1980...

It was November 4, 1980, and I was watching the Television News Broadcast (these things were always capitalized back then) with my Dad. Jimmy Carter was President at the time, and was running for re-election against some guy who died playing football on TV and hung around with monkeys. In my great (Sage?) wisdom, I fully expected Jimmy Carter to win. When Dad asked me why, I gave him the most reasonable answers I could:

He's the President
He wants to

What could be more compelling? How could some football player with a monkey win? With this insight firmly entrenched across the normally quiet Western Front of my eight year old mind, I proceeded to watch my very first political slaughter!

It didn't take long to see that things were going badly for my main man Mister Ka-Tair! (<--Subtle 70's reference). He picked up a state here and there, but he was beginning to hear Howard Cosell in the back of his head, talking about Regan as the "Harmer of the Farmer"!
I was confused. I went back over my careful reasoning, checking my facts as I went.

Yes. Jimmy Carter was President (my Dad said so)
Yes. Jimmy Carter did still want to be President (my Dad said that too. If you don't believe him, I'll fight you after school, over by the flag pole!)

I started to cry (I think I only beat Jimmy Carter by about ten minutes). I didn't understand why they wouldn't let him be President any more! He was a Peanut Farmer! His brother was FAMOUS! It wasn't FAIR!

Life can be hard when you're eight.

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So here we are, 28 years later. And here it is, about to be November 4th again. And we jump from one election to another without a net! Fasten your seatbelts!

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This election has been going on for approximately two years! We've broken records in practically every state for voter turnout during the primary season. We've seen a paradigm shift in who is qualified to run for President, and we're poised to make history no matter who wins tomorrow's election!

I know a lot of you are worried and fretful over who's going to win. You may not believe we're ready for one candidate or another (although I've discussed this topic before, HERE). You may not think either candidate is going to take us in the right direction. You may not even be sure that there IS a right direction. Well, I don't know how to calm those fears, but I do know that we all have to do our part. Tomorrow, our part is to vote, so go out there and do it!

I know I promised you my political opinions, but I'm going to post this right now, without adding to it any further. I want you to think long and hard about your own political opinions and act on them. In a few minutes, I'll write about my personal thoughts and opinions in a new post. Maybe I'll even tell you how I voted!

-Sage Words

It's the Circle of Thwartage!

2008-11-02T19:28:00.004-07:00

I hate being thwarted! All day, lurking around every corner, has been a thwart-worthy event and I have HAD it!

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Cooking pancakes today, the first one stuck to the pan. I took the spatula and proceeded to try to peel it up, but to no avail. In fact, not only did I not get an avail (is that the right way to say that? I never know...) but the pancake was destroyed in the process and the leading edge of a brand-new plastic spatula was melted! AAGHHH! Thwarted!

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So I decided to go to the store to get a metal spatula. Naturally, in the process, I saw about four hundred other things I absolutely HAD to have because I went to the store hungry because my pancakes were ruined and I needed a new spatula!

$85 later, I leave the store. Yes, I remembered the metal spatula (eventually!) but I also remembered taco meat, hot sauce, kitchen knives, sandwich meat and any number of other things I would never have had to spend money on if only I had not been thwarted by the accursed pancakes! AAGHHH! Thwarted again!

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Next, I left the store. Or rather, I tried to. Oh, I got out of the store all right. I even got into my car (not actually my car, but that's a thwart-worthy story for another day!) and pulled out of my space. I got in line behind two other cars waiting to turn left into traffic. And waiting. And waiting some more.

Turns out that the person at the front of the line had stalled out and couldn't move! So there I am, sandwiched between vehicles, trapped; like a rat in a PT Cruiser. GRRR! Thwarted Again!!

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Eventually, the three or four cars stacked up behind me got frustrated and, backing dangerously into the busy parking lot, they turned around and went to another exit. This freed me to do the same (only safer!) and I moved over to another exit to the right of where I had just been sitting for ten minutes. Just as I turned left, into traffic and on my way home, the stalled truck started up and, pulling in front of me, stalled again! OONGAWA!!! Thwarted once more!

Finally the truck drifted off to the side of the road, out of traffic, and I was able to continue home. What a relief!

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Remember when I said I bought "any number of other things" while I was at the store because of the vicious thwarting I received at the hands of my pancakes? Go back and look; I'll wait...

====

Got it? Good. Well, one of the things I bought was a DVD. Now, Chica and I are living in somewhat austere conditions right now as we transition from England to Arizona, and await the arrival of our stuff. So the only entertainment device we currently have is my (VERY OLD) laptop. Still, it can be cozy to snuggle up and watch a movie on the small (seriously, this thing is SMALL and OLD!) screen. But, naturally, my DVD playing software doesn't work because the trial period has expired (I refuse to spend money just to watch a DVD on my own computer!). YYAARRRRGGGHH!! Thwarted!

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So off I go, searching the Interweb for more free dvd player software. As an IT professional of sixteen years, this should be simple for me, right? My collegues would all tell you it should be a piece of cake.

I downloaded two non-working programs, one that requires purchase to hear the audio track, a Trojan Horse, and a second copy of the one that stopped working in the first place! NNNNGGHGHGH!!!!! More thwarting! Chica even suggested I call one of her Reserve coworkers in NEBRASKA for help! Multiple Twartage!!!!!

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So here I am, writing a blog about being thwarted. I get it. Some days, you thwart, and other days you get thwarted. I know when I'm licked. Now I just have to switch over to the last thing I downloaded so hopefully I can watch my movie in peace. Boy, I really hope this one works; it cost me $14.95.

Don't tell Chica!

-Sage Words

Scattered Musings (in no particular order)

2008-11-01T19:55:00.007-07:00

So far today, I've seen the following interesting or startling things:

A man washing his dog in a car wash
A woman so keenly interested in the Titanic disaster, she has devoted an entire room in her house to it
Several melted "Twix" candies
The (brand-new!) radiator in my car wobbling like a Weeble-Wobble
A $37.95 shirt on sale for $8.00
Four generations of women from the same family

Here are my thoughts on these items (in no particular order)...

Man's Best (and smelliest) Friend:

So there we were, my Chica and Me, driving down the road on our way home from the Titanic Lady's house (I told you it was no particular order!) when she spotted this guy in the local Spray-N-Suds with his dog. I didn't see it at first because I'm a careful driver and I was watching where I was going. But she started laughing so hard, and managed to say what sounded to me like "dog...car...wash!", so I made an immediate U-Turn in the middle of the road to see what she was looking at. This, apparently, is an unsafe manuver and I was instantly in trouble. In my defense, however, I did glance in at least one mirror before I did it, (I think) so it was perfectly safe. And besides...

...but I digress...

So there's this guy, and he had the dog's leash in one hand, and the spray wand in the other just hosing the dog off. And the dog was LOVING it!

My Thoughts: It was quite amusing. Seven out of ten.

I'm Flying Jack!:

Leo and Kate were only on the edges of this one, folks. This lady has a big-time fancy going on here. We were there for the Grand Opening of her Titanic Room. She had reproductions of a newspaper from shortly after the wreck, announcing the disaster and all the crazy stuff about "Men of Means" that were killed. She had a model of the ship, and a reproduction tea cup and saucer from the cruise line that owned the Titanic. And yes, she played the movie, but it was really only to add to the atmosphere and no one payed much attention.

My Thoughts: This nice lady was REALLY into her Titanic! But as odd as it may sound on the surface, it was something she and her husband had spent years together working on. It brought them closer and gave them something to share. Ten out of ten!

Is it hot in here, or is it just me?:

Good golly miss Molly! Here it is, the day after Halloween, and I'm just trying to enjoy one of the many left over bite-sized Twix candies I just happen to have in my possesion, when the Sun decides it would be better if it DRIPPED out of the shiny foil wrapper instead of remaining in one yumy, chocolaty good piece long enough to get crammed into my mouth!

My Thoughts: As it turns out, it gets HOT in Arizona! Who knew? Two out of ten!

Filth! Flarn! Filth AND flarn!:

I (allegedly) bought a 1998 Oldsmobile Achieva on 27 September. I've had possession of it for barely two weeks of the 35 days since then! Things keep breaking...it keeps...I can't...AAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!

I will address this issue in its own (future) post. I'm too emotional right now! Chica is the only thing keeping me sane!

My Thoughts: A bit like Showtime's "Dexter", I'm afraid. Negative twelve out of ten!

Taking the Bear (market) by the horns:

Mervyns Department Stores, like so many other businesses right now, is going out of business. The up side to this is that I get to buy a $37.95 shirt for eight bucks! The down side is, it's just another symptom of our struggling economy.

My Thoughts: Three more days folks! Let's try to hold on for three more days! Then we can begin complaining about how the new President-Elect has completely failed to magically solve all of our financial problems, end (or not! Your choice!) the War, buy us all houses, make nice with Europe, get tough with China, or wash our dogs for us in a car wash! That's what we do, right? Blame our elected leaders for everything and refuse to take responsibility?? Oh, it's not? My bad. Three out of ten. Or seven. Depends how you look at it.

The Well-Tended Family Tree:

Four generations of women in one house at the same time! The Titanic lady's Grand Opening was attended by her mother, daughter, and grand-neice (her sister's kid)! That is phenominal!

My Thoughts: Family is so very important! Sometimes we forget that it's our family who makes us, molds us, supports us, loves us, grieves with us, and sometimes saves us from the pitfalls of the world. I saw a very close-knit family today who didn't even know they were inspiring me! I love them for that! Several million out of ten!

Scattered Conclusions:

Sometimes we face challenges we can quantify (A dirty dog, a 1998 Oldsomobile Achieva, you know how it is!) and sometimes ones we can hardly fathom (Jack floating away in "Titanic", political and financial anxiety in a shakey economy, melted candy: like that.) but it's our family that helps us get through it all.

Wife, husband, parent, sibling, child, cousin, God-child, God-parent, aunt, uncle, grandparent, step parent, step child, priest, coworker, old friend, pet, social worker, foster family. Everyone.

It's all about family people. Love them. Be good to them. Share your candy with them! And remember that you are never alone, never forgotten, and never unloved.

After all, if you're reading this, you're part of MY family! And in my family, that's how we roll!

Until next time...

-Sage Words

Playing Ketchup

2008-10-11T22:35:00.002-07:00

Ketchup

Okay, I know. I've recently been reminded that I'm supposed to be writing about the stuff from my challenge post from wwaaaaayyyyyyyy back in June! I should be writing about:

Anger/Happiness/Monkeys - The first response I got was also the most difficult. I know what I want to write, just not how to say it. But it's coming, be patient!
Dialysis - Mostly just a lot of research to get this one right. When I (foolishly?) made the challenge, I guess I didn't take my impending move into account! Working on it!
The reactions of several historically significant monkeys to the current political climate - Odds are, they would have all just flung poo at all the candidates, but I think I can do better than that! Gimme time!
TWO illustrated (and monkey-laden) sequels to the movie "Unbreakable" - This dude is just plain weird. Still, it will be fun to do, so count me in (eventually)!
Another political piece, this time about racially motivated voting - easy to do, hard to do right. I have a lot of political opinions and history to get straight in my head before I do this, but I think it will need to be first (after this!) since the election is coming up so quickly.
And finally, my moving adventure - Coming soon to a blogosphere near you! But not today!

Today, what we're going to talk about is money.

Kiz-ash!

Now, it is imperative that you all understand that I am NOT an expert in any way shape or form about money. I know it when I see it. I'd prefer to have more of it. But I'm not in any danger of having a nationally-televised program explaining all the ins and outs of it either. Maybe that's the problem.

I've been watching the news, listening to the radio, reading the paper, eavesdropping on people's private conversations, and even examining cloud formations for secret messages and very nearly every word you hear from any source is about the economy.

It's clear to me that someone is going to have to straighten out this mess. We've read about bailouts (er, "rescue" plans!) from the government for everyone from giant insurance companies to huge segments of the population who are already doing fairly well for themselves. We've heard about the government giving more money to banks so they'll stop hoarding the money they already have. We've heard about new rules for how CEO's are paid and how loans are approved. What we've heard has so far cost us $823,000,000,000.00 or so.

Eight
Hundred
Twenty-three
BILLION DOLLARS!

And it's not going to be enough. Not by a long shot. In fact, that giant insurance company I mentioned before is now asking for another hand-out! Also in the billions!

Okay, let me see. I'm 36 years old, and I've had a job of one sort or another since I was about 15. Some were part-timers, some temp stuff, and full-time work since I was 19 or 20, so figure about 20 total years of work. Considering what I make now, and generously doubling my salary every year (thank you!), I should be able to make that up in about 180 years. So don't worry folks, I got this! I hear the first billion is the hardest.

Okay. Perhaps that won't work. Here's a better idea...

WAKE UP!!!!!!!!!!!

Now, that comment is not directed at you, my dear (and limited!) readership. Rather, it is intended for all the moorings on Wall Street, those idiots. In fact, here's another little message for those dolts:

There is no such thing as money or profit. It is all imaginary. The whole thing is a confidence game, and I don't mean an "Ocean's Eleven" confidence game, I mean a game of confidence. In other words, if you think you're going to lose money, YOU WILL! You're all idiots! If you would just kick back and calm down for a minute, this whole thing would stop spiraling down around us!

Didn't you learn anything from "It's a Wonderful Life"? During the depression, it was only George Bailey and Mr. Potter who made it through the runs on the banks, because they were the only ones to be reasonable and calm! This is NO DIFFERENT! Calm down and stop trying to pull out every time there's a tiny uptick in your stock prices. Your desperate attempt to make a tiny profit and get out quick just forces the whole mess to perpetuate! How can you be so smart and so stupid at the same time?

Okay. That's enough for those idjits. Here's something for the rest of us:

Sage Words' Guide To Financial Well-Being
(or: how to not get poor without really trying)

As I stated before, I'm not an expert. But I have a rudimentary intelligence which has so far kept me out of jail and non-murdered, so it's at least possible that I could make some sense here. But I also have to keep my lawyer happy by warning you that anything I advise you to do may be complete hogwash and if you follow my advice, it's your own fault, whatever happens.

And in the interests of full disclosure, my lawyer is a small, 1/2 Burmese cat with two missing teeth named "Gizmo". If you anger him, he will leap up, rip out your eyes with his mighty claws, and feast on your brains! Or he may just get cat hair all over your best suit. Whatever.

So here we go. Financial advice:

Know how much money you have
Spend less than that

Uh, that's all I got. Not very helpful, I'm afraid.

Pollyanna used to play a game called the "Glad Game". No matter what happened, she tried to be positive. When it rained, she would be glad that the plants would be getting a drink of water. When Gilligan and his friends got marooned on a desert island, she would be glad that there would soon be many new coconut-based technologies for the world to share. When Timmy fell down the well, she was glad Lassie would have something to do besides sniffing other dogs' butts. When she fell out of a tree and became paralyzed, she was glad that she'd never wear out another pair of shoes. Okay, so maybe Pollyanna was a bit extreme in her application of the "Glad Game," but the idea was a good one.

Listen. I don't have all the answers. No one does. I know times are tough out there for most of you and I know what it's like to be unsure about how you're going to pay for something you really need. But I also know that panicking is NOT going to fix anything. Try to keep your head during all of this and don't despair. There's enough despair in the world as it is, so let's not add to it, okay?

And if we start to go hungry, we can always eat the koalas.

-Sage Words

The Jury Remains Out

2008-10-06T10:14:00.001-07:00

So I guess that gadget worked, but I'm still of two minds on the idea. I think I'll keep it for a while and see if it helps me to post a little more often.

The problem is, I don't see myself using this the same way I do the standard interface. I can't add pictures, or format text with this thing, so will that stunt my humor? Or, indeed, have I just been making a wild assumption by calling my previous works "humor"?

Then there's the "epic" factor. Some of my previous posts have been, shall we say, excessive. This thing doesn't really encourage long-term rambling. Or is that a good thing?

So you, my loyal readers (or browsers, or whatever) will need to be the jury. This is appropriate because there can't be more than twelve of you!

Let me know what you think? More frequent, but probably smaller posts, or less frequent but occasionally researched and planned out posts?

Or do you want both? Post a comment and let me know!

-Sage Words

And Another Thing...

2008-10-06T09:41:00.001-07:00

So here's something new. I found a little gadget that will let me make little mini blog entries from my iGoogle home page!

Wow. I can't believe I just said that. Has the world become so techno-centric that I am now excited about a webpage gadget? This will be the third method I've used to post to this blog, and I haven't even tried the e-mail posting feature!

So I guess I'm just easily distracted by shiny objects, fuzzy kittens, flashing lights, and will happily drink any kool-aid I come across!

Sad. I appear to be a mindless sheep. This probably comes as no surprise to most of you.

Whatever. I'm going to click the "publish" button, then race over to my blog to see if this worked! Cool!

-Sage Words

A Whole New Beginning

2008-10-04T12:57:00.006-07:00

It's funny how being a so-called "expert" in a field can make you an idiot. As many of you may know (can I legally use the word "many" to describe my limited readership?) I have recently (last week) moved from the United Kingdom to Arizona. This is an issue I will deal with in an entirely other post, but for the moment, allow me to focus on one annoying thing.

You see, I needed to change my registration on this blog in order to deal with the fact that my old e-mail address no longer exists. The process for this is relatively straight-forward until you take into account the fact that, in many ways, I'm not terribly creative. One of the results of this non-creativity is my choice of nicknames. You know me here as Sage Words. That seems to have become my "nom de plume" (French for "surrender") over the years. However, I needed to come up with a new nickname in order to shift the admin functions of this blog over to my new account.

Somehow, in my haste and impatience, I have changed the "posted by" name on all my previous posts to what was supposed to be a temporary nickname, but now I'm afraid to change it for fear of losing all my posts.

So the long and the short of it is this: Old posts are now listed under the name "Parsley Words".

Parsley

My new ones will continue to be posted as "Sage Words".

Sage

Naturally, I'm good in pasta either way.

-Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme Words

Angry Bloggers Are Happy Bloggers

2008-06-21T14:28:00.001-07:00

So I was re-reading my post from yesterday and it occurred to me that it was somewhat angry. Now, people get angry sometimes, it's just a fact of life. And I'm not going to apologize for my words. I'm quite careful about what I put up here and I don't publish it until I'm sure it's what I want to say.

With that being said, I think I need to lighten up a bit (for now!). So I'm going to open this up to my fans (both of you) to decide! I hereby promise to write about anything you want to hear! Post a comment on this entry and let me know what you want me to expound upon. I'll take the first five suggestions, regardless of topic, and write a minimum of 500 words for each one! And they will all be lighthearted and happy (unless they aren't) in keeping with my newfound need for anger management! After those five, I may or may not use other suggestions, depending on my whims!

Of course, as with anything, there are rules. Please keep the following in mind while giving me my orders:

While I have no problem writing about poop, if that is the only word you put in your comment, I may simply write a dirty limerick and be done with it
I am willing to write dirty limericks
I will only revisit a topic I've previously covered if you have specific questions. Or if I feel like it
You can never have too many references to monkeys. If you don't mention monkeys in your comment, don't be surprised if I throw them in anyway!
Obscurity is a plus! If I have to look up a lot of stuff just to understand what you're talking about, that means I'll learn something, and that's cool
Politics are fair game (in case you haven't noticed!) but don't expect me to agree with you
Feel free to ask me about events in my life (first time I blew up an anthill, how often I skipped classes, etc)
I will not post naked pictures of myself. Enough people have been traumatized by seeing me naked and I don't wish to add to the list
Please phrase your comments in such a way that they will not call out any individual by name. Nicknames are fine, if you're sure I'll get it

Okay, I'm ready for the challenge! Test me, confuse me, dare me, whatever! Bring it on!

-Sage Words

New-Fangled Computer Thingies

2008-06-21T14:02:00.001-07:00

So I just got the newest version of my default word processor (we don't do product placement here!) and it has this nifty feature that allegedly allows me to publish straight to my blog from the program itself. Now, I'm not particularly timid about technology (I have two computers, a laptop, a PDA, an iPod, two other MP3 players, several thumb drives, and cell phone numbers in two countries!) but it's just a bit scary to think my word processor can pretend it's me long enough to post to my blog!

I mean, what happens if I'm working on a school paper and I accidentally post it? Then it gets scanned by Google and ends up living on the interwebs forever? Then I turn in my paper and my instructor uses one of the term-paper scanning sites to see if I've plagiarized the work and the site finds MY OWN paper in Google's cache so the instructor gives me an "F" for plagiarizing MYSELF?!!?!!?

Dude. It's too much to consider.

However, I am nothing if not an enthusiastic adopter (mindless sheep) of new technology, so I'm writing this in my word processor and am going to try to upload it automatically.

Cross your fingers.

-Sage Words

Everything I say is perfectly reasonable.

2008-06-20T07:50:00.024-07:00

I hate koalas.

There. I said it. And I'm glad I said it! Koalas are one of the most useless animals in all of creation! Oh, I know what you're saying:

"But koalas are so cute! They're fuzzy and soft and cuddly!"

Good point. I suggest we make coats and mittens out of 'em!

I'm serious! Koalas can't even be trusted to eat properly (like Nicole Ritchie?). They will only eat eucalyptus leaves which are a HORRIBLE food source! Koalas are one of the most profound idiots in the animal kingdom and I don't think we should tolerate their existence!

NASTY and useless, just like koalas!

Not only are eucalyptus leaves low in protein and mostly indigestible, but they are actually POISONOUS! These morons eat poison! On purpose! Koalas won't even DRINK WATER! They get all of their moisture from the stupid, indigestible, poisonous leaves that they've eaten for so long that they had to develop a special stomach to ferment them in order to extract a little more nutrition! They will literally DIE of THIRST sitting next to a pool of water if there are no eucalyptus leaves around!

Dude. Have a sandwich and a glass of milk, willya? Jeeze!

I suggest we disabuse ourselves of this whole "cute animals must live" nonsense and remember our place in the food chain. And I suggest we start by eating every last useless, stupid, poison-loving koala on the planet!

Yum!

In fact, why stop there? Koalas aren't the only useless-but-cute-so-let's-not-kill-them creatures in the world! Here are a few more items to add to the menu at my new "Circle of Life" chain of restaurants:

Pandas:

Good start!

These guys are even worse than the koalas! Pandas are carnivores. Pandas only eat bamboo. Pandas are nearly incapable of digesting cellulose. Bamboo is composed primarily of cellulose.

AAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Actually, killing them off might be doing the pandas a favor. How many times have you heard about the complete and utter failure of pandas to mate in the wild, in captivity, in cheap motel rooms, in the back seats of cars, or ANYWHERE!?! They are trying to tell us something! They want to die out! But do we let them? No! We kidnap them, slip them a mickey, and artificially inseminate them!

Hey baby, what's your sign?

Isn't that what aliens do to lonely farmers they abduct from the X-Files? Just let them go! it's what they want! I don't see any of you trying to stop the lemmings! If lemmings are going to be allowed to kill themselves off en mass, why not pandas? Maybe instead of inseminating pandas against their will, we should be providing them with razor blades and blunt objects and encouraging them to ride skate boards without helmets!! Or are we going to suddenly come to our senses and start strapping air bags to all the lemmings and forcing them all to read "PlayRodent"?

What is wrong with these creatures? Die, pandas, die! Panda steaks, Koala Stew, and a side of Lemming McNuggets for everyone!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So, I'm guessing by now that one or two of you (my entire readership!) are beginning to suspect that there's something slightly wrong with me. Now, while I certainly cannot refute that assertion, my wrongness is not manifested by my sudden desire to kill and eat as many cute but useless animals as possible. It just occurred to me that, if you're loud enough and forceful enough, you can convince yourself of the truth in ANY damn-fool idea. Take the Sons of Confederate Veterans, for example.

In a celebration of their "Southern Heritage", this noble group raised a 30-foot by 50-foot Confederate Battle Flag on a 139-foot flag pole in Hillsborough County, Florida.

Gigantic symbol of ignorance

Now, I'm not one to criticize (people who criticize suck!) but I'm not sure this idea is a First-Class ticket to peace and harmony. As a matter of fact, it appears to be causing a bit of a controversy. Imagine that.

The Sons of Confederate Veterans say the flag is simply an expression of their heritage:

A Tampa man is explaining his decision to hoist what some are calling "the world's largest confederate flag " on a lot next to a busy highway. Marion Lambert of Brandon, Florida said the flag is "the most recognizable southern symbol" and he will be using it "to focus attention on the heritage [and] the history" of the south.

Unfortunately, for most (educated) people in this day and age that flag merely symbolizes hatred, intolerance, discrimination, and ignorance. Now, if that's what they're going for, great! If the Sons of Confederate Veterans are trying to show how backward and pig-headed they can be, than a 1500 square-foot "Stars & Bars" is just the way to go.

But wait. This is what they hung up:

????

And they call it the "Confederate Flag". That's odd. That's not the flag of the Confederate States of America. And it never was! Here are the official flags of the CSA (click for larger image):

Flags of Our (loser) Fathers

The top one is the real "Stars & Bars" and was adopted specifically because it was reminiscent of our own "Stars & Stripes"! Honest!

So here we have these poor, lost souls, celebrating their heritage with a symbol that never stood for what they're celebrating. That flag they are so proud of was simply one of 180 different battle standards used by the Confederacy. It was ultimately the most popular, which is why it is part of the second and third flags, but not the whole thing.

No, that symbol by itself has come to represent hate, intolerance, and division. It's a reminder of how far we once sank, as a species, when we thought it was perfectly fine to consider another human"property". It's a symbol of the most callous kind of indifference and it should only be brought out to teach an object lesson about the potential for hate in our society. In fact if it must be displayed, it should be like this:

Gallows Humor

Artist John Sims, of Tallahassee, Florida calls this piece "The Proper Way To Hang A Confederate Flag". Oddly enough, the Sons of Confederate Veterans are upset and have protested its display as "offensive, objectionable and tasteless". Now isn't that interesting?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is 2008 people. We can do micro surgery on our eyes with lasers and we can build machines out of individual molecules! The things we can do, and the ways we can improve people's lives are simply astounding! So why should we hold on to ancient symbols of hate and division? Why not concentrate more on symbols of love, happiness, kindness and hope?

Or you can come on down to the "Circle of Life Cafe" and have a big steaming bowl of Ignorance Soup on the house! And if you get any on you, have one of our napkins...

-Sage Words

So How Hungry Are YOU?

2008-04-11T15:41:00.020-07:00

I’m in the Air Force. Have been for almost sixteen years now. It’s a good job, and a great way of life, and I am quite proud of what I’ve done in the service of my country.

Mind you, it hasn’t always been easy. There’ve been lots of times when I’ve been given jobs to do that were, shall we say, aggravating. As a young Airman, I once spent a long, hot day planting flowers at the end of a General’s driveway. It was blisteringly hot and at one point, I asked the General’s wife if I could get a drink of water from the hose. She told me to wait until my Sergeant came around and he would get me some water.

Nice.

Now you would think that I would react badly to this but remember, I was new to the Air Force and quite cognizant of my place in the military hierarchy. So instead of blowing up at her, or arguing, or ignoring her and going for the hose anyway, or otherwise getting myself in a heap of trouble, I held my tongue. And after she left, I calmly and methodically severed the roots of all of the flowers in her flower bed. This is what we in the military call “Military Bearing”.

Military Bearing is a skill. If the military is going to complete the very difficult task of defending our nation, we must be able to maintain our composure at all times, regardless of the forces working against us. This is taught to us from the very beginning, in Basic Training.

In Basic Training, most of the people in the flight (about 60 people in mine) had jobs to do besides just marching and making beds. The jobs ranged from Academic Monitor, (not the smartest person in the flight, but usually thinks so) who made sure we all studied our required lessons, to Latrine Queen (not actual royalty, but also usually thinks so) who made sure our latrines stayed in inspection order. But my job was, in some respects, the most difficult of all. I was the Chow Runner. And being Chow Runner is all about Military Bearing.

-------------------

The job of Chow Runner is quite simple on the surface. Before a meal, all flights eating at that dining hall (usually four at a time) form up outside the building. The Chow Runner falls out and enters the dining hall to arrange for his flight to eat. The flight must stay in formation outside the Dining Hall until the Chow Runner comes back for them. This, of course, is the rub.

Being a good Chow Runner is pure Military Bearing. Obstacles are purposely put in your path, and you are expected to overcome them in order to gain entrance to the Dining Hall for your flight. On the surface, the job goes like this:

The Chow Runner enters the dining hall and makes his way to the “Snake Pit,” Picture a large table in the center of the back wall where all the Training Instructors (T.I.’s) eat. The T.I. sitting in the middle is the one the Chow Runner reports to. If the T.I.’s in the Snake Pit are happy with the way the Chow Runner reported they send him out to bring in his flight. If not, the Chow Runner is put “on the Wall.”

Being “on the Wall” means exactly that; you stand at attention against the wall until the T.I.’s at the Snake Pit tell you to get off it. If another Chow Runner comes in and is accepted before you come off the wall, your flight waits until that flight has all come in before you get another chance to satisfy the Snake Pit. This can go on until just before the end of the meal period. If you’re still on the wall at the end, you have to rush out, get your flight and (in all likelihood) miss your own meal due to the rest of the Chow Runner’s duties.

But eventually the Chow Runner is permitted to go outside and lead his flight in. Then you must go back to the Snake Pit and report. If they are happy with your report, you go and guide your flight to the next available seating area. If they are unhappy… the Wall.

Once the flight has gotten its food and been seated, the Chow Runner reports yet again to the Snake Pit. If the Chow Runner passes muster, he gets to eat. If not… the Wall.

So, a very simple process, isn’t it? But like I said, the whole thing is an exercise in Military Bearing. You must follow all protocols exactly. You must speak only when spoken to. You must precede each statement with the proper Reporting Statement. And you must do it all without ever losing your cool and getting mad or scared or intimidated. I only mention this because there is another reason it’s called the “Snake Pit.”

The T.I.’s, especially with new Chow Runners, like to try to make them lose their cool. They’ll yell, or get up and stare you down, or crack jokes, whatever it takes to make the Chow Runner lose his cool. And if you do…the Wall.

So there I was, first day as a Chow Runner. I had practiced the whole previous day and I thought I had it down. But now, it was time to put my training to the test.

“Chow Runner, fall out!” yelled our T.I.

“Proceeding, sir!” I yelled, and ran in to both the dining hall, and the most memorable event of my short Air Force career.

----------------------------------

As I made my way to the Snake Pit, I could only hope that today they would be easy on me. As some of you may or may not know, I tend a bit towards the sarcastic. It has often been said that my mouth will be the end of me. Kind of like when Gary Hart said, “I dare you to catch me cheating on my wife!” But, I digress…

My hands, cupped perfectly and swinging six inches to the front, three to the rear as I marched in, were getting a bit sweaty as I got closer to the Snake Pit. I could see them up there, watching me. Waiting for me to get there so they could strike, like vipers. I marched up to the Snake Pit and made my reporting statement. “Sir, Airman Sage Words (my name has been changed to protect my innocence!) reports as ordered! Flight 319 is prepared to enter the dining hall!”

As I said this, I remained at perfect attention, eyes not looking directly at the T.I. but also not looking away. No one yelled at me, and I thought I had done pretty well. I even thought I’d be allowed to just go and bring in my flight. Ah, youth!

“Airman” the T.I. growled, after sizing me up. “We’re taking a survey today. How hungry is your flight?”

Oh boy, here we go! “Sir, Flight 319 is extremely hungry!” I said.

“Son, that’s not good enough,” the T.I. replied. He winked to one of his companions at the table as he continued. “I’m going to ask you again, Airman. And this time, I want you to answer: ‘My flight is as hungry as…’ and I want you to give me the name of an animal.”

‘Well,’ I thought, ‘this isn’t going to be pleasant.’ But I managed not to break as I said, “Sir, my flight is as hungry as a tiger!”

At this point, one of the other T.I.’s at the table chimed in. “That’s not good enough, Airman. Someone already used ‘Tiger’ today. Give us another animal!”

I was really sweating it now. I wanted to laugh, but I didn’t dare. And I was annoyed that they were messing with me on my first day as Chow Runner. But all I could do was play along and hope they weren’t as sadistic as I was beginning to suspect they were (and probably would be myself, in their place!). Since it was a different person who addressed me, I did a little facing movement so I would be directly facing him. Then I gave him my reporting statement, followed by my new response.

“Sir, Airman Sage Words reports as ordered! My flight is as hungry as a bear!”

“That’s not good enough, Airman!” the first T.I. broke in. His voice was raised ever so slightly, indicating that he was having a pretty good time. “We’ve heard that one today too! I’m going to ask you one more time and if I don’t like your answer, you’re on the wall! Now, how hungry is your flight?”

Now I was mad. I could feel everyone in the dining hall looking at me, waiting for me to screw up. I knew the T.I.’s were having fun because I could see some of them smiling ever so slightly. That’s when I thought, ‘Okay guys, you wanna play? Let’s play!’ Again, I made my facing movement, and made sure my face was totally deadpan and my body ramrod straight. I made my reporting statement.

“Sir, Airman Sage Words reports as ordered! My flight is as hungry as a wombat!”

Silence. I swear you could hear a cricket chirp.

Someone coughed.

Finally, pandemonium!

The entire Snake Pit erupted in laughter! Of the four or five T.I.’s at the table, there was maybe one who could still draw breath. And then there was me. Ramrod straight and totally deadpan.

Finally, someone managed to sputter out, “What the hell is a wombat?”

Without batting an eye, I did my facing movement and snapped, “Sir, Airman Sage Words reports as ordered! A wombat is a four-toed mammal that lives in trees!”

This last was greeted by fresh gales of laughter and the T.I. in charge of the snake pit, his face going a bit red, hollered above the din, “Ok Airman, bring in your herd!”

I didn’t need to be told twice. I took a deep breath, did an about-face, and marched out to “bring in my herd”. Inside I was screaming with laughter (and, admittedly, a certain smugness), but outside, I was still ramrod straight and totally deadpan. I had no choice since I wasn’t finished yet. Once I brought my charges into the dining hall I still had to report back to the Snake Pit.

“Sir, Airman Sage Words reports as ordered! The first Airman from flight 319 has entered the dining hall.”

The laughter had subsided in my absence, and I could tell they were spoiling for a fight. While I was gone, it seemed to have dawned on them that I had made them lose their Military Bearing! So I wasn’t very surprised when I heard the T.I. ask, “Aren’t you the wombat?”

“Yes sir!” I responded. “Flight 319 was as hungry as a wombat!”

“And what did you say a wombat was again?” He didn’t want to let it go.

“Sir, a wombat is a four-toed mammal that lives in trees!” Ramrod straight and deadpan.

Now he was giving me the hairy eyeball. I could tell he wanted me to break, but I wasn’t going to do it. I could take whatever he had to dish out! He stared hard at me for about an hour and a half (hour and a half, 20 seconds, whatever!), and finally dismissed me.

Whew! It was over! I beat them at their own game and was going to get to eat! My own T.I. would be proud of me for succeeding on my first day as Chow Runner, and I was going to ride this victory all the way to becoming the youngest Chief Master Sergeant of the Air Force! I was that good.

Of course, I wasn’t counting on the ineptitude of others.

As the last of my flight sat down and I was about to go get my own meal, a brand-new Airman, without even his first issue uniform, lost his cool at the Snake Pit and paid for it.

“What’s the matter with you, Airman!” the T.I. was yelling, “Haven’t you got any freakin’ military bearing? Get on the wall! I’ll SHOW you some military bearing! Chow Runner, flight 319, get up here now!”

‘Oh crap!’ I thought. ‘I was so close!’

Still, I was not to be vanquished! This was my day and I had discovered that Military Bearing can be combined with Smart-Assery to bring about success! I wasn’t going to let them take that from me! Please take all proper facing movements as a given…

“Sir, Airman Sage Words reports as ordered!”

“How hungry was your flight?”

“Sir, Flight 319 was as hungry as a wombat!”

“And what is a wombat, Airman?”

“Sir, a wombat is a four-toed mammal that lives in trees!”

“I know that, Airman! But what does it look like?”

Huh? This was new! Still, I had my ‘A’ Game that day…

“Sir, it’s a small furry creature that resembles a koala!”

“You tellin’ me it looks like a koala bear, Airman?”

“No sir! A koala is not a bear, it’s a marsupial, sir!”

Everything stopped.

I just stood there, ramrod straight and totally deadpan, waiting to see what would happen. Then, chaos ensued throughout the dining hall. Everyone was laughing, yelling or generally freaking out except for me. Throughout it all, I was ramrod straight and totally deadpan.

Finally the T.I. told me to get the hell out of his dining hall! Again, I didn’t need to be told twice! I did my facing movement and marched straight outside. Then I laughed so hard and so long that I nearly collapsed against the wall! I couldn’t even answer when my own T.I. demanded to know what was so funny!

I laughed so hard I ended up scrubbing pigeon droppings off the buildings in the squadron two hours a day for the next three days! But they couldn’t break me! I never once lost my Military Bearing! And from that day, until graduation, I never got put on the wall.

----------------------------------------------

I have many obsessions. I’m a great fan of drunk monkeys, I can recite every word of “Monty Python and the Quest for the Holy Grail”, and I am totally convinced that THIS YEAR is the year my beloved Denver Broncos win the Super Bowl again; but those obsessions all originated outside myself. The wombat thing (and now you know the real reason for the title of this blog!) is totally my own creation, born of the perfect confluence of sarcasm and terror in the very formation of my adult life! I will always cherish it, and it makes me smile to write about it now, to share with you! Thanks for reading!

For the record, the American Heritage Dictionary says a wombat is “any of several stocky, burrowing, Australian marsupials of the family Vombatidae, somewhat resembling a small bear and feeding mainly on grass, leaves, and roots.”

As it turns out, I was wrong about the trees. Go figure.

-Sage Words

Remedial Parent Training

2008-03-09T15:48:00.003-07:00

Today's entry is brought to you by My Parents (see below). They need help figuring out how to put a picture into a blog entry like so:

Viola! Now there's a picture!

Mom, I'll need extra starch on my shirts if you don't mind.

Love ya!

-Sage Words

I LOVE MY MOMMY!

2008-02-29T14:44:00.002-07:00

Hey Mom, here's a few questions for you...

Remember when you taught me the "I'm Five" song and it helped me land the part in "The Stingiest Man in Town"?

Remember when you organized that 40's dance, and Skippy and I dressed up as sailors and danced to Benny Goodman?

Remember when you and your friend found each other after years of being apart, and you brought the two families together and tried so "innocently" to set me up with her younger daughter?

Remember when I first drove a car (around the corner, into a yard!) because you finally let me go start it up to get warm before school, but Dad had left it in gear with the brake off and it lurched and zoomed away when I turned the key?

Remember when you stayed up all night with me, helping me get the dead rabbit to stick to the fake bear skin on my "Wyoming Book"?

Remember when you took care of me and my friend Chris's little sister (Linda?) when we both had Chicken Pox and had to stay home all day covered in Calamine Lotion?

Remember all the times you laughed at all my stupid jokes?

Remember all the times you cried, because I was hurting?

Remember that time you gave me life?

Good times.

I love you Mom. Happy Birthday!

-Sage Words

Coolest Dude Ever

2008-01-30T13:51:00.001-07:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD!

I Love you!

Ready... Steady... VOTE!

2008-01-28T13:56:00.000-07:00

Every night! Every single night! For the past several months, every news channel in the WORLD has asked the same two questions every night.

"Is America ready for a black President?"
"Is America ready for a woman President?"

Holy mackerel, people! What a ridiculous set of questions! How can we NOT be ready for a woman President or a black President? Haven't we been electing women and black people to public office for 172 years?

Don't believe me? Alexander Twilight was elected to the Vermont House of Representatives in 1836! And Jeanette Rankin was elected to the United States House of Representatives as a REPUBLICAN from MONTANA in 1916 (92 years ago)! Heck, that's four years before women even had the right to vote!

So how can we even ask the questions? Do we think women don't know how to govern? I think Margaret Thatcher's ELEVEN YEARS as Prime Minister of England (1979 - 1990) may be an example to the contrary!

Or do we think that black people lack leadership skills? Perhaps Nelson Mandela would have a thing or two to say about that. He was elected President of South Africa in that country's first democratic election where full voting rights were given to everyone! He served for five years (1994 - 1999) and was able to convince Lybian leader Muammar Gaddafi to turn over the two Lybian suspects indicted in the bombing of Pan Am flight 103. I may be a bit green, but that seems like leadership to me.

But if we were to abandon the questions of weather we're ready for a Woman President or a Black President, than how are we to maintain the adorable negativity that we are known for throughout the world? If we can't doubt candidates for having an abundance of estrogen or melanin, what can we doubt them for?

Well, fear not. I am nothing if not a slave to the needs of my readers (both of you)! So on that note, I have spent hours and hours painstakingly researching the needs of our country, and measuring our tolerances. So now I present to you my:

All-Inclusive List of Presidents We are NOT Ready For
(and why)

WHO?:

Aliens

WHY AREN'T WE READY?:
These guys are pretty nasty. They breed by jamming a weird proboscis down your throat and injecting a larval thingy that eventually grows up and bursts out of your chest singing "Ragtime Gal". They bleed acid and can only be controlled by Sigourney Weaver. I suspect these traits will have a negative impact on health care.
WHEN WILL WE BE READY?:
Not until "Band-Aid" and "Bactine" technology are considerably more advanced.

WHO?:

Geraldo Rivera

WHY AREN'T WE READY?:
This guy has never been the same since the "Al Capone's Vault" incident. Not to mention getting his butt kicked on his own TV show, and selling out U.S. Troops in Iraq. Plus, I'm pretty sure he breeds the same way the Aliens from the previous entry do.
WHEN WILL WE BE READY?:
June 21, 398567698 at around four thirty, quarter-to-five. Eastern.

WHO?:

Robots

WHY AREN'T WE READY?:
The technology just isn't there. The last two times we allowed computer-based intelligence to make command-level decisions we ended up with Global Thermonuclear War and freakin' Skynet!
WHEN WILL WE BE READY?:
Sometime in the 24th Century when we can safely elect Lieutenant-Commander Data of Starfleet. As long as we're sure it's not his dastardly brother, Lore!

WHO?:

Lassie

WHY AREN'T WE READY?:
Look, I like Lassie as much as the next guy. I just think she’s kind of a One-Trick-Pony! I mean, how many times can Timmy fall down the well? Honestly? Plus, how electable is a trans-gender candidate anyway? We all know Lassie was a girl, but she was always played by boy dogs!
WHEN WILL WE BE READY?:
Maybe in another 60 or 70 years. But, of course, that’s 420 to 490 in dog years!

WHO?:

The Predator

WHY AREN'T WE READY?:
Uh...he's holding someone's SPINE! That's just a tiny bit too Right Wing for me. Granted, The Predator is still more Liberal than Dick Cheney and Rush Limbaugh, but the spine-stealing, victim-skinning, trophy-taking image hasn't been a part of the Presidency since Teddy Roosevelt.
WHEN WILL WE BE READY?:
Not soon, but we should keep this one in our back pocket to prevent a two-term Presidency by the Aliens mentioned above.

WHO?:

An Ostrich

WHY AREN'T WE READY?:
While it's true that we can't afford to steal spines or have our young leap out from people's chests, we also can't stick our head in the sand and hope the world's problems go away. If we don't learn how to live with our neighbors, we will become little more than an interesting footnote in someone's history book. And besides, that bird looks just a little bit too much like Ross Perot!
WHEN WILL WE BE READY?:
As soon as we have a unified world government, end all wars, stop poverty and hunger, and bring to a halt the atrocity of Reality Television, we'll be ready for this guy.

WHO?:

The Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man

WHY AREN'T WE READY?:
At first it might seem like a good idea. He's sweet. He's cute. He's "something that could never possibly destroy us"! But the next thing you know, he's in the thrall of Gozer and destroying the world and the only way we can stop him is to initiate a total protonic reversal of Gozer's gate. And that, in the words of the immortal Egon Spengler, "would be bad".
WHEN WILL WE BE READY?:
Not until we also develop gigantic Graham Crackers and massive Hershey Bars. Then we'll be ready for Mr. Stay-Puft and S'More!

WHO?:

Grumpy Bear

WHY AREN'T WE READY?:
Granted, he IS one of the founding-fathers of the Care Bear community. And he does have the Gift of Grump. But he's an empty shell of a bear without a gentile, wise old father figure to advise him. The first President Bush had Ronald Regan; President Clinton had Hugh Hefner; who is Grumpy Bear going to look up to? Papa Smurf? That's Bull-Smurf!
WHEN WILL WE BE READY?:
Never. Champ Bear might be able to ride the wave of his sports accomplishments into the Oval office, and America Cares Bear can get the patriotic vote, but this Grumpy bastard will never make it past Secretary of Bad Attitudes.

WHO?:

Godzilla

WHY AREN'T WE READY?:
Dude! Give a 'zilla a break! Every time Rodan, or Ghidra, or Mothera, or Mecha-Godzilla gomes to town (Tokyo) we call on the big guy to come and take an ass-whuppin' on our behalf! Now you want him to balance the budget for you too? Get a friggin' grip! And besides, do you think he just forgot about that whole "created by an illegal atomic test carried out by the wanton imperialist American government on an unsuspecting island off the coast of Japan" thing? No way dude. Giant lizards have looooong memories! And dude spits FIRE!
WHEN WILL WE BE READY?:
First we have to apologize for turning him into a GIANT GIRL VELOCIRAPTOR in the horrifying 1998 Godzilla movie. That was just wrong.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Look folks, there a re a lot of things we aren't ready for in this world. And we have a long way to go before any passing alien race will take us for anything other than savages. But can we try something new for this election?

Can we forget that Hillary Clinton is a woman; forget that Barack Obama is black; forget that John McCain is seventy-one and Mitt Romney is a Mormon and Mike Huckabee is a former preacher and John Edwards is a lawyer and Rudy Giuliani was married three times?

Let's put all of those things aside and look at what they are SAYING!

Listen to their message and study it!

Find out how your candidate's ideas would effect you and your family and your friends and then VOTE for that person!

THINK about what you want YOUR next President to be like and vote for the PERSON that fits that mold the most; not the White Anglo-Saxon Protestant man that comes closest, but the PERSON!

Because that's what we have running for President right now, folks.

A bunch of people.

-Sage Words

If I Knew Then What I Know Now...

2007-08-18T10:08:00.000-07:00

I have a confession to make. Many of my friends know me as a relatively level-headed person, slightly overweight, a bit sarcastic (a fact which is certain to shock most readers of this blog!), and phenomenally good-looking. But they don't all realize that my single greatest asset is luck! That's right, I'm the luckiest person ever to put on a pair of socks (even if I do insist on wearing them with sandals now and then!).

Okay, I can hear you all asking yourselves, "Self, what does he mean, '...luckiest person ever to put on a pair of socks'?"

Then many of you are answering yourselves "Self, if you would just shut up for two seconds, he'll tell us!"

Naturally, many of you are now answering back, "Me shut up? What about you, self! You're the one who talked all the way through The Importance of Being Ernest on Friday so we had to watch it AGAIN on Saturday when you KNEW I wanted to be online playing City of Heroes instead and now I've missed the Rikti Invasion AND the Double XP weekend and I missed out on my chance to make Level 25! LEVEL 25, YOU JERK!"

Now, as one might expect, you are dragging yourself outside by the hair, intending to beat the bejeezus out of yourself for being such a dill-weed. It's okay. I understand my audience and its needs. I'll wait...

dum dum dum dum dum dum dum
dum dum dum dum DUM
de-dum de-dum de
dum dum dum dum dum dum dum
DUM de-dum dum dum
dum
dum (boom boom)

Okay, you're back. Are you allright? Not too beat up? Good. Let's continue.

So, as I was saying, I'm the luckiest person ever to put on a pair of socks. I say this because my wife and I recently celebrated our thirteenth wedding anniversary! Woo! Lucky thirteen!

Actually, for me, the real celebration began the next morning when I woke up and she was still here and not running down the road screaming "What have I done? What have I done? For the love of God, WHAT HAVE I DONE?!?!"

"AAAAAAAaaaaaahhhhhhh!"

Mind you, I have this particular celebration every day.

But seriously, thirteen years! And we're happy! I don't mean just your average "most of our bills are paid and neither of us is currently under a federal indictment" kind of happy, but really, truly "warm cookies fresh from the oven, playing with a three week old kitten" kind of happy!

Every day we seem to find something new to love about each other, or we re-discover something old that we already loved about each other (perhaps senility is setting in early?)! It's really kind of cool!

However, as I stated earlier, I am lucky. I am lucky because even though we've seen a lot of relationships fall apart over the years (two words, people: DEODORANT!) ours has just gotten stronger. Now, I'm no expert; most days, to be completely honest with you, I'm just wingin' it! But I have paid a little attention over the years and have made note of some of the more important lessons my wonderful marriage has taught me.

Now, let me put a few disclaimers out here first.

I am a guy. If you are also a guy, you will probably understand what I'm talking about in the next few paragraphs. If you are a girl, you will undoubtedly think I'm a mooring (see THIS blog entry to understand what that means)! That's okay, because I have a hot wife who loves me, so I'm not out to impress you.
Absolutely everything I say is right. Not everyone will be able to accept that right away, but by the time I'm done, you will probably agree.

Okay, so here it is. A compendium of some of the most important lessons I've learned in thirteen years of marriage. It may not be everything you need to know, but it'll sure as heck help!

The Sage Words Marital Knowledge Base and Bait Shop

Lesson One: Nomenclature

Holy crap! I got married! I found a woman with all the qualities I always knew were essential for the woman I married to have (bad eyes and poor judgment) and I somehow managed to get her to marry me!

Now, the first thing I learned, I learned early on. You have to establish the pet name. This is vitally important, as you will be expected to use this name for her for the rest of your natural life! Feel free to go with "Snookums" or "Snuggle-Bunny" or "Love-Muffin" if you want but remember, you will be using this name when you talk to her on the phone from the office for the rest of your life! DO NOT get tied down to "Snuggle-Bunny"! Some acceptable ones are "Honey", "Sweat-Heart" and "Darling". In the interest of full disclosure, my wife has been "Chica" since 1994 and seems to respond to it most of the time.

Lesson Two: The Battle for Middle-Earth (Ground)

Not long after we got married, Chica and I had a lot of fights. Not knock-down, drag-out, "I should smother you in your sleep" type fights, but epic battles nonetheless! Now this is normal for every couple, but you have to learn to pick and choose your battles. You and your new Snooky-Wookie are completely different people and have been brought up in completely different ways (unless you married your sister, in which case I'll just say "Enjoy the banjo music!" and ask you to find another blog to read!).

Now, it stands to reason that she's going to be wrong about a lot of things! But be careful where you draw the line in the sand and whatever you do, don't keep score! And if you do keep score, keep it to yourself! Don't go blabbing it all over the Internet for just anyone to see! That would be STUPID! For example, don't do this:

Question: How do glasses get put away in the cupboard?
Answer: Upside-down, so dust doesn't get inside
Winner: Sage Words (Chica actually didn't care, but I'm taking the win anyway!)

Q: Where does dirty laundry go?
A: NOT on the floor!
W: Chica

Q: Who gets the good car and who gets the beater?
A: Her and you, in that order!
W: Chica

Q: If I bring in the mail, do I have to open it?
A: You do, she does not
W: Chica

Q: Does the toilet paper roll go over or under?
A: Still under review as of this writing
W: Tie (But I will fight until the last star in the last galaxy fades to black on this one! Viva Encima del Rodillo!)

Score: Chica 3 - Sage Words 1 (For now!)

Now understand that you, as a guy, are destined to lose most of these arguments. It's as natural as birds flying south or monkeys flinging poo. It's simply going to happen and you can NOT stop it. The trick is to pick one, and ONLY one subject, and stick to your guns! You can readily cave on all the others, but do not give in on that one no matter what! Can you guess which one I haven't given up on?

Lesson Three: Bedroom Stuff (No, not THAT stuff, pervert!)

Figure out which side of the bed is is yours, and which is hers, but do not assume that you can simply get in on your side every night! Sometimes, she will just want to sleep on your side for a few nights and there's nothing you can do about it! Oh yeah, and she doesn't have a reason, she doesn't need a reason! And you are an insensitive ass for asking! STOP PERSECUTING HER!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Set up your night-stand exactly the way you like it. Place your wallet, watch, spare change, keys, and anything else you have in precisely the right spots. Now accept the fact that your wife will know better and just move your stuff around sometimes! And she doesn't need a reason! It will just NEED TO BE DONE! But don't worry, when you're running late for work and can't find your wallet or your keys, just look in your sock drawer. This is apparently a logical place for those things.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Be sure she has ample room for all her night things (she will have a LOT!) and don't EVER move her stuff! If you move so much as a hair pin or her eye drops, you will regret it! Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow but soon; and for the rest of your life! Trust me on this, just leave it alone!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Closets. Oh boy. There are two things you need to know about closets:

Half of the closet space is yours. It's a rule.
Your half of the closet space is defined as: 6 shirts, 1 tie, 3 pairs of pants and a shoe.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Alarm clocks are YOUR responsibility! If you don't believe me, just go to bed without checking the alarm clock on a night where she has to get up early but you don't. In fact, let's make it interesting. Remind her to set the clock the night before! Now here's the good part: if she does set the clock, and makes it up on time, GREAT! But if not; if she forgets, or the power goes out, or the cat eats the clock, and she gets up late; IT IS YOUR FAULT!

Dude, just set the clock.

Lesson Four: Oh, the Twah-let!

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, GET SEPARATE BATHROOMS!

If you have to sell a kidney (or several, depending on how liberal your neighborhood is) to get the money for a second bathroom, DO IT! If you have to go without a car, without a television, without a living room or even without pants, just make sure you have that second bathroom!

I can not stress this enough! You MUST have your own bathroom! If you share one, she'll DO THINGS in your bathroom that you DON'T want to know about! All those things the girls talked about in Fifth Grade Health Class when all us boys got an extra recess REALLY HAPPEN! You don't want to have to deal with it! And she'll keep her...you know...woman stuff in there! A lot! All the time!

Plus, she'll move your stuff. That's right, just like the night-stand, she will, without provocation, MOVE YOUR STUFF!

Are you right-handed? She'll move your hair brush to the left! Are you sure that's your toothpaste you're grabbing, or is it your Q-tips? Where is your styptic pencil? WHERE IS YOUR STYPTIC PENCIL?????!!!!!

Okay. Deeeep breath...get ahold of yourself, Sage old buddy, old pal...it's alright.

Whew! That's better.

Anyhow, get your own bathroom. Trust me!

The Big Wrap-Up:

It's not easy being brilliant. I didn't ask for it, but it's a burden I'm willing to shoulder for the betterment of mankind (specifically, married-mankind). Please look these lessons over. Learn from them. Take them to heart. Gain nourishment from the fruits of my labor!

Oh yeah. I almost forgot the most important lesson. Be good to your Chica, whoever she is! That's the REAL secret! If you're good to her, she will be good to you, and the two of you will be happy, and all the rest of this stuff will be just so much meaningless eyewash!

Except the bathroom thing. I am SO not kidding on that one!

-Sage Words

Hurry up! We don't have all day!

2007-06-23T08:52:00.000-07:00

You know, I distinctly remember when I first became impatient. I was a kid (about five or six years old) and living in El Paso Texas. I was in kindergarten, and (oddly enough) I was in trouble. I don't know if I had popped off to the teacher (very likely) or gotten in a fight with a girl (and most likely lost!) or what, but I was told to stand out in the hallway until my parents got there. Then we were all going to have "a little talk".

[Note: This is where I began to refer to my teacher as "Miss Blackston, The Ogre". Make no mistake; I was the ogre. Ms. Blackston was actually quite nice! But I digress...]

I began standing in the hallway with all the patience in the world! I could wait until the end of time for my parents to show up! In fact, it would have been just fine with me if the earth opened up and swallowed them whole and they never got to the school (mind you, the full ramifications of such an event were not particularly evident to my still-forming mind; I just didn't want to get spanked!).

Then, as I looked out the window in the door at the end of the hall, I saw my parents' brown (or was it blue?) station wagon with the realistic wood-like panels pull up outside.

Now back then (1977-ish) kindergarten was split into a morning class and an afternoon class and I was in the morning class. My parents would get to the school ten minutes or so before the morning clas let out, so as to be waiting for me when I came outside. (For all I know, my two older brothers had to walk home after school; I really was only paying attention to myself in those days!)

So as I was saying, I saw my folks pull up outside. At this point, with my very life at stake and no other choice that I could see, I made a break for it! After a quick glance at Miss Blackston (The Ogre)'s door, I ran as fast as I could down the hall, hit the door running, and srinted to the side of the afore-mentioned station wagon. I started yanking on the door and began my first truly impatient outburst:

Me: "Let's go! Time to go!"

Mom: "Honey, what's wrong?"

Me: "Nothing! School's out, let's go home!"

Mom (suspiciously): "Honey, school isn't out for another 15 minutes! What are you doing out here?"

Me (desperately): "They let school out early! We have to go now!"

Mom (totally not buying it): "Oh really? If school let out so early, where are all of the other kids?"

Me (grasping at straws): "Their parents already got them! Let's go!"

You see? Impatient.

Needless to say, Mom ended up disbelieving her darling little boy. I know, I know; that's hard to believe after such a convincing performance (C'mon! We have to go home NOW!) but somehow she saw through my little ruse and marched me right back in to the school. When she led me in to the classroom (still a good five minutes before the bell), Miss Blackstone (The Ogre) narrowed her eyes and a tiny bit of smoke seemed to curl out of her nose as she stared at me. All the other kids in class went "Oooooooooo!" at the prospect of a public execution and I tried to make myself as small as possible.

Now, I can't say I remember what happened next. I'm certain there was a stern talking-to involved, but as this WAS the late seventies and we WERE in Texas; there was almost certainly either a belt or a ruler involved in the conversation as well.

The entire situation was created by my impatience! To this day I am certain that if I had just been a little more patient; if I had just taken a few more seconds to more finely hone my arguments (C'mon! We really have to go home NOW!), I would have most certainly convinced my Mom that school was let out early and she needed to take me home right away!

A VALUABLE lesson learned as a result of a childhood trauma (or drama, as the case may be)!

We all get impatient some times. Sitting at a traffic light, waiting in line at the grocery store, waiting for the ant hill to catch fire as you try to hold the magnifying glass steady; all opportunities to get impatient. But where does all this impatience take us? Nowhere, that's where! So let me give you a few tips on how to be more patient when you least desire to. After all, you may need Mom to take you home "RIGHT NOW" yourself some day!

Ten simple methods for being patient, and the best times to use them:

1. Take a deep breath! ~~ This method is most useful when, after being chased for seven or eight miles by a swarm of angry African Killer bees, you finally come upon a lake or a pond you can jump in to keep them from stinging you.

2. Count to twenty-five. ~~ Works best when you have just made a critical parking error outside of a biker bar. If you get anywhere near this number while counting the number of motorcycles you have just knocked over, do NOT be in a rush to go into the bar. In fact, the opposite direction may well be the wisest.

3. Eat a cookie. ~~ Use this strategy before you cavalierly agree to go on a hunger strike to protest the unfair treatment of Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie by the press. After all, they aren't going to eat it, are they?

4. Hum "Ninety-nine Bottles of Beer on the Wall" quietly to yourself. ~~ I find this one useful whenever I'm waiting for a crowded elevator to hurry up and get to the thirtieth floor already because I have GOT TO GO! It doesn't get the elevator there any faster, but it encourages the other passengers to get out of the way as soon as it arrives.

5. Make a list of home improvements you wish you knew how to do. ~~ It is critical that you do this before blindly rushing into a drywall installation in your bosses $3 million house just because he idly mentioned at a staff meeting that he's looking for a good general contractor.

6. Jog in place for twelve seconds. ~~ Use this any time you hear the phrase "First one there gets to-(garbled, obscured, interrupted)-my colon! There are some races you do NOT want to win!

7. Think of all the times a slingshot would have come in really handy over the past week. ~~ If you an think of more than seventy-one, your next stop should be a therapist.

8. Make up your mind once and for all between Kirk and Picard. ~~ When the flame wars begin in earnest on your favorite startrekdorksunite.com bulletin board, you canNOT be seen to flip-flop! Otherwise you'll be labeled as nothing more than an opportunistic Ferengi who switches allegiances willy-nilly depending on who is winning and doesn't care at all about the fundamental differences between commanding a Constellation-Class starship versus a Galaxy-Class with families and civilians to be concerned about and besides, the rules of engagement were more flexible in Kirk's time so of course he would be able to...well, you get the point.

9. Let the deep breath out. ~~ Do this as soon as you feel it's safe to come up. After all, those bees can't wait up there forever!

10. Run! Run like the wind! ~~ Gaaaahhh!! The Bees! They're still here! For the love of God, get them off, GET THEM OFF!

As you can see, patience is a virtue. If we would all just step back for a few seconds and think before we act, there might be just a little less strife and heartache in this world.

I mean, wouldn't we all be just a little happier if the-powers-that-be had thought a little harder and longer before letting Jean Claude Van Damme make "The Quest"?

Wouldn't there be more harmony in the world if the guy that thought up "New Coke" had been a bit more picky in which ideas he floated to his boss?

And honestly, wouldn't it be great if I had been able to convince Mom that it really was time to go?

I know my butt would have appreciated it!

-Sage Words

I'll get to that right away! In a few minutes...

2007-06-23T07:26:00.000-07:00

Procrastinate. Webster's Universal College Dictionary (1997 edition) defines it thusly:

"to defer action; delay: to procrastinate until an opportunity is lost"

I find it interesting that, since I've decided to FINALLY get off my butt (or, more precisely, back on my butt in front of the computer) and write another article; procrastination is the only topic to really leap into my head.

I find it even more interesting that, as I've decided to write about my own issues with procrastination, and as I've further decided to begin with the definition of the word, I find it immediately preceded in the dictionary by the word "proclivity" (natural or habitual inclination or tendency; propensity; predisposition).

For those of you that know me, you know that I have two fairly pronounced proclivities; one is to procrastinate, and the other is to notice completely meaningless things like the fact that "proclivity" comes right before "procrastinate" in the dictionary! (I also noticed that "procrastinate" is only two entries away from "proctology" but I don't want to explore that avenue right now! I'll save that for another time!)

So let's talk about procrastination for a bit. Why does one do it? Here's a great example:

Just as I wrote the words "Why does one do it?" above, I got a little *bing* to tell me that I've received an e-mail. I flipped over to my inbox and saw that the e-mail contained a .pdf file. I opened it up and, as I was reading it, I was notified that my Adobe Acrobat Reader software was out of date and would I like to update it? Naturally, I want the latest and greatest software to read .pdf's so I clicked on the "yes" button. This led me to a new browser window with instructions on downloading the files I need to upgrade the software I need to read the .pdf I need to tell me how to participate in the short-story contest I'm entering because I'm so tired of procrastinating on my writing! You see what I mean? Holy cow!

So anyway, I'm a procrastinator. Come to think of it, I come from a long line of procrastinators. My Mother spent years procrastinating over a book she wrote. The rest of the family hounded and cajoled her more or less constantly until she FINALLY finished the dang thing and got to work on having it published. Now, about a year later, she has a published novel and is hard at work procrastinating over another one!

My Dad is at least as bad. Somewhere out there is an old 1976 Chevy Malibu station wagon, lime green; the unfortunate victim of a car fire, with the charred remains of either a letter or a package that he swore to my Mom that he mailed the week before!

Note: This story about my Dad is a conglomeration of many memories and may not be strictly true. What IS strictly true is that the last two increases in the first-class postage rates are a DIRECT result of revenue shortfalls the US Postal Service suffered because of mail my Dad swore he sent the week before but really hasn't gotten around to yet!

As far as I know, all this procrastination started with my folks. After all, neither one of them has ever told me a story about THEIR parents being procrastinators. But then again, they may simply have not gotten around to telling me those stories yet.

Um. Where was I? Let me go back and look, hold on...

Oh yeah! Procrastination - why does one do it?

Well, despair.com has this to say about procrastination:

"Hard work often pays off after time, but laziness always pays off now." You can even look at the amusing picture that goes with this pearl of wisdom by clicking HERE.

I dunno. I think we procrastinate because we're scared. Scared to fail, scared to succeed, scared to find out if we'll fail or succeed, whatever. Just scared. In all honesty, I have no idea why I procrastinate, or why you may procrastinate or why anyone would procrastinate. It's not even an aversion to hard work. When I get going on something, I'll work my tail off. It's the "getting going" that has me stumped sometimes.

So how does this relate to this blog? Well, I've been putting off writing here for over a month! It's not that I have nothing to say, I'm just stuck for that little spark that gets me started.

But now, 700-odd words later, I'm finally started! So let me end this bit of drivel and get on to something else. After all, I just got an idea for what to write next and I don't have the patience to wait until this article is properly finished before I start on that one! Finally, the opposite of procrastination!

If this seems to be an abrupt and dissatisfying ending to this post, allow me to direct you to my very first post HERE. File this one under "Random Thoughts".

-Sage Words

Do you need an Anonycat to catch an Anonymouse?

2007-03-21T11:19:00.000-07:00

For those who frequent this blog (and admittedly, I have not been among you of late!) you are probably aware of my dear friend and long-time supporter, Anonymouse.

Anonymouse has been a stalwart commentator on my work from the beginning, even though an apparent drinking binge negated one of the more ambitious comments intended for our mutual enjoyment by said commentator.

However, in the interest of full disclosure I must now admit to you all that I do not actually know who Anonymouse is! If you've been reading the comments on my various posts, you've seen the back and forth banter between myself and my mysterious friend. And you know that I have successfully eliminated a few people from my list of suspects.

So now, I thought I'd bring this little contest to the front page, as it were. Here follows my latest response to a comment by Anonymouse, where I was asked why I have dubbed her/him/them/whatever "anonymouse".

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I have dubbed thee "Anonymouse" for two reasons:

To distinguish your posts from other (potential) anonymous users
Just in case you turn out to be a cute, furry quadruped with an entirely rational fear of cats

You see, there is a fine line between Reality, and my world. If you choose to cross that line, you must live by my rules. One of those rules is a nickname requirement. But just like in a good restaurant, if you don't bring a coat and tie, we'll make you wear one of ours!

Now here's a test:

Who got married to the widow next door?

-Sage Words

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So now the ball is in your court Anonymouse. Do you know the answer to the question above? I eagerly await your comment!

-Sage Words

I will gladly pay you Tuesday for a SCI-FI, Horror, Slapstick, Action Flick today!

2007-02-24T16:54:00.000-07:00

When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for a couple to dissolve the traditional method of choosing what movie to go see, a just and equitable new method must be established. It has to have rules. It has to have absolutes. And most of all, it has to protect the fragile ego of the male half of the couple and allow him to achieve some small (albeit meaningless) victories in the movie-choosing process. (Note: It is not actually necessary for the woman to ever win this contest, as they are far more secure than men; but if they do come out ahead once in a while, it makes the hollow victory achieved by the man that much sweeter {though still meaningless})

With all that said, I suppose it is now incumbent upon me to provide a solution. While I would normally prefer to simply whine and complain and leave the problem alone to fester and grow until it can never be solved, I have decided (been told by my wife) to tackle the problem head on. So in the spirit of harmony for all couples (doing as I’m told) I present to you my:

Movie Exchange Rate System

The concept of an exchange rate for movies is not terribly new (I overheard a guy I work with, we’ll call him “John”; say he and his wife already practice a rudimentary exchange system). But because there’s never been a thoroughly researched and tested system, men have had to bargain with their wives over movies for literally thousands of years! A typical exchange goes like this:

EVE: Let’s go see I Weep All Day at the One-Plex!

ADAM: But honey! I wanted to see Hit on the Head tonight!

EVE: The last three movies we saw were Crushed by Rocks; Dude, Where’s My Fig Leaf?; and Snakes on a Tree! We are going to see I Weep All Day!

ADAM: Hey, that’s not fair! You liked Snakes on a Tree! You said it was “oddly compelling”!

EVE: Oh, yeah…about that…um, Hey! Did you try that pie I made you yet?

And it goes on and on like that throughout history. Marie Antoinette just had to catch Head Over Heels, Joan of Arc couldn’t miss I Burn For You, and Amelia Earhart was first in line to see Fly Away With Me! But all of those tragedies might have been avoided if only there had been a simple method of exchanging movies so a fair balance between Chick Flicks and regular movies, indeed between all movies, could have been achieved.

Of course, to create such a system, you must first define the commodities you are working with. Then you need to assign them a value, and apply those values to an exchange rate. Finally, you’ve got to set up a system of rules so it’s used the same way every time. If there’s ever going to be any progress ("Dennis, there's some LOVELY filth down here!"), we need to begin at the beginning. So let’s look at some definitions.

Categories of Films

I put considerable time, effort, and research into studying every film ever made. I built a comprehensive database to track the various attributes of all films throughout history and assigned a point value to each one. I considered such important cinematic elements as: number of uses of the word ”love”, number of times someone is punched, car crashes, scenes lit primarily by candle or fireplace light, gratuitous nudity (or lack thereof), volume of Hugh Grant appearances in the film, and countless other criteria. Then I got distracted by a pop-up ad for a new flavor of “Scope” and deleted the whole thing without saving it. My bad.

Since I am obviously not going to put that much work into this a second time, I will “Wing It” from here on out. Let’s start with the seven categories of films:

1. Guy Flicks (GF): These are movies that not only appeal primarily to guys, but are intended almost exclusively for a male audience. When Chicks are forced to see them, they are not permitted to complain about things like a lack of plot, unrealistic outcomes, or excessive explosions. That is the reason we are here, ladies. Have a sip of your Diet Coke and move on. (NOTE: Sports pictures, even if they make you cry, are automatically Guy Flicks. It’s a rule). Here are some examples:

(NOTE 2: For the purposes of this list, figure skating is not a sport – you hear that, Cutting Edge fans? NOT a sport! Go Home!)

2. Chick Flicks (CF): These are movies obviously made for women. They tend to contain a lot of exposition about relationships, looking for “Mr. Right”, moral behavior, sensitivity, and a bunch of other weird junk that only the estrogen-enhanced can really understand. When men are forced to see them, they are not permitted to fidget, complain, whine, sigh loudly or otherwise express their discomfort in any way that could distract the women who are actually getting something out of this. Eat your popcorn and shut up. Remember, she didn’t bother you during The Fifth Element! (NOTE: Gentlemen, remember: So-called “tasteful” nudity is STILL nudity! If this Chick Flick has some, just try to concentrate on that while the rest of the movie sucks.) Here are some examples of Chick Flicks:

(NOTE 2: I do not know how Brokeback Mountain fits into this, nor do I care to find out. If it becomes an issue, I suggest you find someone French to settle the dispute.)

3. Standard Comedies (SC): Standard comedies are funny flicks that tend to skew just a bit to the male side. They have fart jokes, sight gags, inappropriate comments and the occasional gratuitous cleavage shot. Men generally enjoy them a lot, while women laugh all the way through and then complain about how “stupid” or “improbable” certain parts are. Here’s a heads-up, ladies; it’s like that on purpose. If you want to see a movie that requires you to think, just look farther down the list for the “Other Movies” category. (NOTE: Comedies with a “Message” or with “Heart” are probably better classified as “Other Movies”. Sorry Pleasantville, try not to be quite so pretentious next time.) Here are some Standard Comedies:

(NOTE 2: The film Kate and Leopold is quite funny and even has jokes about a “Great Erection”; but in the end Meg Ryan is in it, so it has to get kicked to the next category!)

4. Romantic Comedies (RC): This is the biggest gray area of them all. There are a lot of movies out there that are slap-a-monkey hilarious, but are still saddled with an overabundance of romance, relationships, and happily-ever-after-ness. These films are all skewed for women, but men (at least some of the more evolved ones) can still enjoy them, despite this shortfall. Guys, you will find parts of these uncomfortable or smarmy, but grit your teeth and think about football for a minute, it’ll pass. (NOTE: Romantic Comedies have the greatest chance of having a shot of a guy’s naked butt. DO NOT attempt to cover her eyes like she does to you when the naked chick runs by in Airplane! The ratio of boobs-to-butts in Cinema is still in our favor, so let her enjoy it while she can.) These are examples of Romantic Comedies:

(NOTE 2: Boys, just because Adam Sandler is in The Wedding Singer, its status is unchanged. It is STILL a Romantic Comedy. Get over it.)

5 & 6. YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME! [Male and Female] (YGBKMM or YGBKMF): Some flicks are simply a cinch to categorize. Is it the type of film with a running body count? Probably for dudes. Do the actresses wear petticoats and bodices? Call the chicks. So each side gets its own YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME category! ‘Nuff Said! (NOTE: ANY film with ANY connection to Jane Austin, no matter how tenuous, is automatically a YGBKMF. No exceptions!) Here are some examples of each. You can probably guess which is which:

(NOTE 2: Guys, if it has zombies in it, even if you think it’s funny, don’t try to pass it off as a Standard Comedy. Respect is a two way street and Shaun of the Dead is a YGBKMM! Now you know. "And knowing is half the battle!")

7. Other Movies (OM): Now we come to everything else. Some movies are funny, but not romantic, but still have a point and ultimately make you learn something. Some movies are action packed, but have a human element and can make you sniffle a bit. Still others are EVENT pictures that you have to see no matter what. These include important franchise films like Star Trek or X-Men, high class dramas like A Beautiful Mind or Crash, political thrillers like The Interpreter or All the President’s Men and real-event homage films like United 93 or Hotel Rwanda. You also have important sequels like Indiana Jones IV and Rocky Balboa, as well as fun caper flicks like Ocean’s Eleven, The Italian Job, or Things to do in Denver When You’re Dead. (NOTE: Classic film revivals and re-releases are often found here too. Like the Star Wars Special Editions, a Lord of the Rings marathon, or the Director’s Cut of Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo) Here are a few more from the Other Movie category:

(NOTE 2: Breakin 2: Electric Boogaloo is a classic because it was the first on-screen appearance of The Muscles from Brussels himself, Jean-Claude Van Damme! Betcha didn’t know THAT!)

(NOTE 3: The Internet Movie Database says Van Damme was in the first Breakin’ movie, but the Breakin’ 2 official website says different. So there!)

The Exchange Rate

Now that we have all agreed on how to classify the movies, it’s time to work out the exchange rate. For ease of use, I’ve created this handy-dandy chart. Feel free to print one out for at home!

Now, you may notice a slight discrepancy in the rates on the male side. I assure you, it is not a typo. Men are both more fragile AND bigger whiners, so it’s only fair (to us) that we get a better exchange rate. Just think of it as spending Canadian dollars in the USA; it’s a drag that you have to pay a higher rate, but we don’t care.

The Rules

Now the last thing I need to cover is the practical use of the system. We can’t be going all Lord of the Flies here and letting you make up your own rules! What happens if you go on a double date, but both couples don’t use the same exchange system? ANARCHY! That’s what happens! And since we can’t have that, we’ll have these four simple rules instead:

Rule 1: The exchange rate must be posted at all times. (That’s what the chart above is for. Please respect it!)

Rule 2: A running account balance will be kept at all times, in a place where both parties can access it. (Dudes, if you’re already in the hole for 9 CF’s and a YGBKMF, you’d best go get tickets to a double feature of The Queen and Bride & Prejudice STAT!)

Rule 3: All exchange transactions will occur BEFORE a movie is watched, and properly documented. (Listen sister, we saw Much Ado About Nothing last week! It counts!)

Rule 4 [This one is IMPORTANT!]: Enjoyment of a movie after-the-fact IS NOT a basis for exchange account adjustment! EVER! IT’S NOT! (I don’t care if HE ended up enjoying Return to Me or SHE got a kick out of Zoolander you will RESPECT THE SYSTEM!)

And Finally...

Wow. That’s a lot to take in. But I’m so dedicated to relationship harmony (my wife was SO tired of hearing me complain) that I felt it was important to get this all down while it was still fresh in my mind. If I may, I’d like to thank some of the folks who provided invaluable assistance in the development of this system:

To Adam Sandler; whose insistence on making RC’s that make me laugh until it hurts was one of the reasons I had to do this in the first place! Thanks, jerk.

To Bono, from U2; you had nothing to do with any part of this, but I respect a guy with the guts to call himself “Bono” when it could easily be turned into “Bone-O” by cruel people. Keep the faith, brother.

To my Dad; your love of movies, and of sharing them with me, got me to the point where I had to care about this in the first place!

To my Mom; without you sharing the films you love with me, I wouldn’t know the difference between Carey Grant and Carey Elwes! I wouldn't even know that was important! You rock!

And finally, to my wife; you let me see all the stupidest movies, and you force me to watch all the CF’s and RC’s that I end up crying like a baby at... Er, I’m not sure I should actually “thank” you for that last part, come to think of it. Oh well, you’re hot. That makes up for a lot!

Well folks, until next time!

-Sage Words

Scoring Maximum Brownie Points for Valentine’s Day -- or -- How to Succeed in Romance Without Really Trying

2007-01-26T11:09:00.000-07:00

Since the dawn of time, men have been hunter/gatherers. Starting with woolly mammoths as a dietary supplement and progressing through the years to consumer electronics, men have sought the means for survival. However, one commodity has always been at the top of the list, more precious than all the others combined: The Brownie Point. The most sought-after item in the male survival kit.

With Valentine’s Day fast approaching, it’s time for a quick tutorial in amassing the greatest possible number of brownie points with minimal work. With this tried and true method, a man can rack up obscene amounts of brownie points without breaking a sweat. (Ladies, I don’t think this will work for you. If you just get him those consumer electronics and wear some uncomfortable but exciting underwear, you'll get all the brownie points you need!)

The concept here is simple, gents. Give your wife/girlfriend/significant other/mate (whatever) a valentine every day for the whole month leading up to the big day, then give her something super special in a truly thoughtful way on the big day. Whammo! You are now rolling in the brownie points!

Now, I know what you’re thinking. That’s too expensive, I can’t afford that! Well, that’s where you’re wrong; I can bring the whole thing in for less than 30 bucks! Here’s how it works:

Start out by making a quick trip to the local grocery store. Here you will find over 90 percent of your supplies, and you can pick up a six-pack while you’re at it! (Good deal, huh?) Head for the holiday aisle (every store has one) and pick up a box of little kid valentines (you remember, Go-Bots or He-Man saying, “Be mine!” while fighting off the evil Skeletor; that kind of thing -- whatever you think your lady will find cute and endearing).

Next, move over to the candy section and grab a selection of cheap Valentine’s Day candy. The M&M Mini’s in the little Valentine boxes are an excellent choice. You can also get the little Necco Hearts that say “kiss” and “true love” but if you do, try to find some in small individual packages. You’ll see why in a minute.

At this point, we have the Valentines and we have some candies; two very excellent ingredients for Valentine’s Day bliss. Now we concentrate on something for the big day itself. A box of chocolates or a Valentine’s Day teddy bear make great final gifts, and can keep you under budget. If you have a bit more money to spend, find a nice set of earrings or a bracelet for the final gift, and set it aside until the end.

Once all of the supplies have been purchased, it’s time to prepare everything. It’s best to do this ahead of time so you can concentrate on the implementation phase coming up without having to back track. Take the valentines out of the box and set aside one for each day between now and Valentine’s Day (if you don't have a month left, that's okay - anything over six days works). Save the big card, the one that says “For the Greatest Teacher in the World!” for last, and don’t worry if your true love is not a teacher; I’ve got that covered, too!

Write a quick love note on each of the valentines and put it in the little envelope provided. Good phrases include, “I’ll love you forever!” and “My heart belongs to you!” A nice touch here would be to use silver or gold ink pens, but this is not vital to the success of the mission. Next, attach one of the little candies you bought to each envelope and address it: To (your pet name for her) From (her pet name for you).

Ok, now that you have all of your supplies ready, hide them at work or somewhere she’ll never find them, and prepare for the implementation phase (I told you it was coming up!).

Now we're in the home stretch! All that's left is to find an original way to give her one of your valentines every day leading up to the final show. Try to be original! While it is acceptable to simply present her with one every day, (and the short-term benefits of this CAN be considerable!) I like to find a different way for each day. It helps build anticipation and that is ALWAYS a good idea! Hide one in her car before she leaves for work one day. Get one of her coworkers to smuggle one into her desk another day. Perhaps place one under her pillow. The possibilities are limited only by your imagination.

All of this valentine-giving activity is the perfect build up to the big day. Valentine’s Day is the day you want to pull out all the stops. Take her out to a nice dinner and a play (NOT to a movie! Four hundred other guys are trying that gag tonight. Be ORIGINAL!). If you can’t swing all of that, just cook for her yourself. Not only is this considered romantic but if you absolutely can’t cook, and you try anyway, you get bonus points for the attempt!

And now, the moment of truth is upon you. Here comes the big payoff. Remember the big valentine that said “For the Greatest Teacher in the World?” Well, that’s what brings the whole thing together. Inside that card, you complete the back-to-school theme by writing “I did all this because you’ve taught me the true meaning of love!” Present this to her along with your special, final gift, and go get a sponge because she’s going to melt! The month of attention and affection will have her so squishy inside that she’ll be completely blown away by this final, most thoughtful gift of all!

Gentlemen, the quest for brownie points is never-ending. We all struggle from day to day, just to scrape by. But with a little thought and preparation, a nearly limitless smörgåsbord of brownie points can be yours for the taking!

Now go out there and get those points! And remember to use them quickly; they expire next week.

-Sage Words

Frankly my dear, I love these MOTHERFUCKIN' SNAKES!

2006-10-23T10:28:00.000-07:00

This past week, I saw the greatest movie that has ever been offered up to the gods of cinema. Better than "Gunga Din," "Casablanca," "Gone With the Wind," "Rear Window," "Schindler's List," "Behind the Green Door," "Robocop II," "Pooh's Heffalump Movie," "Showgirls (Director's Cut Special Edition)," "The Secret of N*I*M*H," "Slumber Party Massacre," "Dude, Where's My Car?" "My Bodyguard," "The Breakfast Club," "Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace," and "Muppets Take Manhattan" combined!

I speak, of course, of "Snakes on a Plane!"

Never have I seen a greater return for my cinema investment! I mean, think about it. You hear the title, "Snakes on a Plane," and you begin to make a list in your sub-conscience of all the things that should appear in such a film. Taking into account the fact that it is simultaneously a horror film, adventure movie, airline disaster flick, black comedy, mob movie and nature show, here is a list of the first dozen or so things you assume will be in the movie:

Mile High Club
Federal Agent/Hero Cop
Gratuitous ear-stabbing (with a high-heel shoe!)
Snake-on-Snake violence
Snake to the eye
Last-second airliner swoop to prevent a crash
Grizzled old stewardess
Hero Cop's partner buys it
Snake to the junk
Snake eats annoying little yappy dog
Privileged asshole businessman
Explosive decompression
Pilots die and passenger has to land the plane
"Is there a doctor on board?" (There is. He's dead!)
Privileged asshole businessman gets eaten by an anaconda
Baseball bat Fu

I could go on and on, but the important thing is this: This movie has EVERYTHING! You cannot possibly come out of the theater unsatisfied with this film. It is a roller-coaster ride of absolute devotion to the audience. Everything is there for you, with no pretension.

Now, let me get into some of the background. This whole thing started with a couple of screen writers getting hammered and talking about formulaic movies. You know the ones I mean; spy signs on for one last mission, falls in love with the exotic contact he meets in Bulgaria, finds out he's supposed to kill an old friend who has gone over to the other side and now questions his own loyalty while boinking the hot chick with a far away look in his eyes.

If this sounds like a James Bond movie to you, you're wrong. It's more like TWENTY James Bond movies. Now don't get me wrong, I like the 007 movies as much as anyone (except the Timothy Dalton ones. Fuck Timothy Dalton. And as much as I loved Brosnan in the role, the storyline in "The World is not Enough" blew ass). I'm just saying that they've become a bit predictable of late. I truly hope that the remake of "Casino Royale" breaks the trend.

But I digress. So these dudes are talking about formulaic movies and how you simply take two or three basic elements, add a unique twist (or at least one that hasn't been used in a couple of months) simmer for 25 minutes and "Poof!" instant hit. So they asked themselves (or each other, or the pink elephant in the room, who knows? I told you they were drunk!) what are two things that most people are scared of? The answer:

Snakes
Planes

Holy crap. Instant classic! Snakes. On a plane. It's nothing short of brilliant!

Now, most drunken idiots would leave it at that. But these guys are creative types. So one of them bangs out a script over the weekend and the other guy gets a meeting at a studio with The Suits. They walk in and their entire pitch goes:

"Okay, check this out: Snakes. On a plane."

The Suits practically fall over each other trying to say yes, and we're off to the races!

So they bring in a director, who happens to be friends with Samuel L. Jackson. He calls up his buddy and says "Snakes on a plane, Sam. Snakes on a plane."

Sam is in. They start work on the film, but the director ends up leaving. But that's okay because the new guy is Sam's friend too, and he understands the greatness they are about to produce. Work continues.

Ah, but now The Suits begin to act like you would expect mindless automotons to act. They want to ensure the movie comes in at PG-13 so they get a wider audience. Jackson and the director are dead set against it and tell them that an R rating is the only way to go, but The Suits win this one.

Then The Suits start talking about the title. They think "Snakes on a Plane" is too trite and will drive the audience away. They want something cool like "Pacific Air 131!" Yeah! What a kick ass title! Mr. Jackson does not agree.

Knowing it's the right thing to do, Sam Jackson threatens to walk if they change the title. "I signed up for 'Snakes on a Plane' not some f***in' 'Pacific Air' B*** S***!" he says. This time The Suits cave. And to bring ultimate justice to the story, the PG-13 version sucks so much that all the focus groups hate it. They all cry out for the R rated content that The Suits were against in the first place. So a call goes out to all the actors and extras and they come back in and shoot some more scenes to make it appropriately R rated.

And the end result? The greatest film of all time. A film that, while short on story, thin in the plot area, and nearly bereft of any socially redeeming content, still delivers everything a movie-goer could possibly want or need from a film called "Snakes on a Plane!" GO SEE THIS MOVIE!

I can't wait for the sequel!

-Sage Words

Riding the skateboard of progress across the sandy beach of life.

2006-09-13T11:19:00.000-07:00

As you might expect, I had planned to begin this experiment with something profound. However, profundity sometimes has to take a back seat to reality. Read on...

In my previous post, I discussed some of the possibilities for this blog. I fully intended to begin with an insightful political commentary, or an intuitive examination of a particularly good comic book story I was thinking of today, but instead, we have this:

SPELL CHECK IS FROM THE DEVIL!

I have never had a blog before. I was reading my friend Sid's blog and decided I'd like to try one of my own, so I went to blogger.com and signed up for a blog which is made with some sort of blogging software to blog this out onto my blog (I feel like a smurfin' Smurf!). When I wrote my carefully-considered first post to my first blog and went to post it, I ran the spell-check function that comes free with the blog. It did not recognize the word "blog".

This may well be the first sign of the apacolypse.

When did our society become so lazy that we decided to create a piece of software designed specifically to make us STUPID?!?

And it works! I know! There was a time, many years ago, when I could spell. I could take a document, scan it at arms length, and pick out any misspelled word by pattern-recognition alone! But now, with the insidious spell-checker in common use, I can't spell simple words to save my life! Already in this very post I have misspelled accross (should be: across), recognise (of course I do live in England so it may be acceptable), and apocalypse (but really, who wants to be right about that?).

So now, in 2006, we are all morons.

Don't try to deny it. If you are reading this, odds are good that you are dumber now than you were in school. You depend on a calculator to balance your checkbook (assuming you do that sort of thing), a GPS or SAT/NAV to tell you how to get somewhere, a call to "information" to find a phone number, and the unholy spell-checker to tell you how to spell a simple word like "there". Or is it "they're"? Or "their"?

Crap.

My point is, we have all become so dependant on the little whiz-bang machines and software-bots and other new-fangled, hoo-ha crappity-crap that our brains have moved on! Now we use text messaging to ensure the words "to", "too", and "two" R 4evr rplcd w/ the # 2! ROTFL!

So where does that leave us? Well, we'll never give up our computers, cell,phones, SAT/NAV's, calculators, or spell-checkers so I guess we just have to get used to being morons. Or maybe not!

According to the spell-check function of this blog, we are not "morons".

We are all "moorings".

I rest my case.

-Sage Words

Introduction

2006-09-13T09:36:00.001-07:00

So here it is, a brand-new blog. The newest piece of content on the ever-expanding worldwide web. In this blog (as I learn how to use it) you will find a seemingly random collection of thoughts, opinions, rants, and frivolity. What you won't find is a lot of personal information about me. It's not that I'm particularly shy, I just don't care to make myself all that public.

Now, they say nothing ever dies on the Internet. This is, for the most part, true. So some day I may win the lottery or run for office or save a burning kitten from a tree or otherwise become a "public person" and if that happens, there may be some monkey who gets assigned to dredge the bottom of the great River of Information that you are floating on right now and they may find this blog. If so, they will be greeted by run-on sentences, bad jokes, generalizations, vicious attacks against no one in particular, several misspellings, and one or two insightful articles shining a pinprick of light on the human condition. For these last, I am truly sorry.

-Sage Words